PTSD: Birth is the ultimate lottery



Looking back after 70 years on this planet, life is harsh even for kids who had great support and love from their caregivers.

Watching a podcast of NBA star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, he described his life as an oddity, sticking out being 6’8” at 12 years old. 7’2″ was his height as an adult, how do you blend in or hide, fit into a hotel bed, buy clothes, or fit in a car?

People always stare and treat you like an oddity. He says this kind of scrutiny drives you inside, into your own cocoon.

Life shrinks for people scrutinized as different or abused kids markedly different in behavior than normal kids.

Now, consider being seriously abused as a kid, criticized and beaten by a caregiver. Think we are not an abnormality, an oddity compared to normal kids.

We do not feel equal to others, we know we are flawed and compromised, dysfunctional and isolated.

I am not saying as an adult I believe any of this now, however it was my reality most of my life and dogma as a kid.

If birth is the ultimate lottery, we lost big time.

The impact of abusing a child, lasts a lifetime, I am an example of this. The ACE study documents the physical diseases and early death that childhood abuse causes.

I am not a victim but I have suffered trying to heal from childhood PTSD my entire life. That is a fact.

At 70, my brain is still trying to cope with a smaller hippocampus, larger amygdala and a compromised left prefrontal cortex, Childhood PTSD disrupts nearly everyday with unworthiness and failure.

I have friends who are happy go lucky, think everything will turn out alright. Their demeanor is relaxed and confident, life seems easy and happy for them.

To say I am envious and amazed is an understatement.

Are they from another planet, how can a brain feel safe and secure, being able to trust thoughts, and finally they trust others.

I have never had those feelings and never expect to feel that way, a little bit of wellbeing and peace of mind are my only goals now.

My life is navigating around my trauma minefield, searching for brief moments of joy while dodging trauma thoughts, anxiety and isolation.

Yes, I have felt haunted by childhood demons, this battle has never receded from my life.

Everyone has challenges, some much greater than others. Whoever makes those decisions is way above our pay grade.



7 responses to this post.

  1. Wow, this really hit home. It is a shame that we have gone through so much in our childhoods. Know you’re not alone.

  2. Posted by marandarussell on July 4, 2021 at 2:53 pm

    I often feel this way. It is hard to not wallow in self-pity, although I know it doesn’t really help.

  3. Oh I know I am not alone

    I am open and share my

    That took a long time

  4. It took me too long to start to tear down my shell. It’s strange looking at things that I used to think were nonsense, and now they make perfect sense. It’s like living with your eyes closed.

  5. I feel this way but I try to never wallow in self pity

    For me it takes a lot of the guilt away from blaming myself

    This is my life I am damn near 70

    Those rah rah speeches do not stir me to think I am going to have a five year euphoric ending

    I know my father sentenced me to suffer for life

    Just how it worked out with me fighting to heal all the way

  6. Posted by marandarussell on July 4, 2021 at 3:03 pm

    Yeah, it isn’t fair at all, but it is what it is.

  7. In the online kundalini meditation group Jennifer is dealing with the inner critic

    She says open your heart to the language of love

    I have no idea what that is

    I do not even trust

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