Hidden Habits from childhood PTSD

I think my awareness is keen and sensitive, however examples of being clueless slap me in the face.

Pixabay Ver_Ena

The last three days my right hip and sciatic nerve have me laying flat in excruciating acute pain.

This pain has few similarities with my chronic pain, but it’s addition to my ever present chronic pain has crossed my threshold of coping.

I handle my chronic pain very well, acute nerve pain like this even clouds my thoughts and takes my breath away.

So my daughter blurts out, your hiking uphill so much is the cause of your hip issues.

I guess some habitual behavior connected to childhood trauma goes undetected for decades.

That took a while to sink in.

Then, I spotted that old mechanism from childhood, locked into a routine, to rigid to even notice consequences.

In my subconscious, hiking uphill strenuously was keeping me alive, lowering blood pressure, flushing poisons etc.

Most of that is true, the issue was my rigidity not finding other aerobic exercises to incorporate.

Our childhood PTSD influences many subconscious behaviors we are blind to.

I have hiked in pain, hurting, like it was my wellbeing in the balance without another option.

My childhood was locked in like that, I obeyed my dad blindly whether it felt good or hurt like hell.

There is a part of me that still has an attachment to perfection. I have tried to eliminate perfection.

Why does my mind not even entertain other options or show flexibility, be curious or explore more.

I have been hiking that 4 mile 80 story elevation change for 8 years.

My hips have to hurt to the point I can not function, can not walk before my daughter states the obvious, so oblivious to me.

Childhood PTSD is an octopus using its tentacles to impact parts of our brain.

What else in my life am I blind to?

How about you?

8 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by rudid96 on June 30, 2021 at 2:56 pm

    Routine is comforting, regulating & for me, can be simultaneously the paradigm of master to slave. It’s so hard to let go of what may no longer work in favor of gentler modifications. Moving is as much a part of me as the air I breathe. However, embracing adaptations is far more challenging. As I age, the idea of incorporating more gentle physical activity is a huge challenge. The body speaks in a million different ways.

  2. I am a grinder
    A repetitive junkie
    A gym rat

  3. Posted by rudid96 on July 1, 2021 at 2:56 pm

    I hear you, Mindful Marty. The Pandemic opened up an opportunity to step away from gym attendance. I found alternate ways to exercise AND had to change the duration. What this habit-seeking person discovered was that the body could still be moved. Dare I say, oft times I felt better? Interesting that something so all-encompassing as a Pandemic is what it takes to create a space for change and acceptance.
    Now that’s a repetitive junkie… 🙂

  4. Repetitive

    I like that

    Codependency is an issue for us

  5. You have an interesting and openly honest series of pieces, around the core issue of PTSD. Thank you for sharing them online.

    My own experience has revealed that notable adverse childhood experience trauma resulting from a highly sensitive and low self-confidence existence — especially when its effect is amplified by an accompanying autism spectrum disorder — can readily lead an adolescent to a substance-(ab)use self-medicating disorder. It’s what I consider to be a perfect-storm condition with which I greatly struggled yet of which I was not aware until I was a half-century old. I believe that if one has diagnosed and treated such a condition when very young, he/she will be much better able to deal with it through life.
    Though I’ve not been personally affected by the addiction/overdose crisis (in B.C.), I have suffered enough unrelenting ACE-related hyper-anxiety to have known and enjoyed the euphoric release upon consuming alcohol and/or THC. The self-medicating method I utilized during most of my pre-teen years, however, was eating.

    Since so much of our lifelong health comes from our childhood experiences, childhood mental health-care should generate as much societal concern and government funding as does physical health, even though psychological illness/dysfunction typically is not immediately visually observable. The pain — which unlike an open physical disability or condition, such as paralysis, a missing limb or eye — is very formidable yet invisibly confined to inside one’s head, solitarily suffered. But should not a psychologically and emotionally sound, as well as a physically healthy, future be every child’s foremost right, especially considering the very troubled world into which they never asked to enter? Of course it should; indeed it must!

  6. I would offer you a platform to write a post about your journey

    Very deep response

    But listen. Half the therapist lack the skill set to deal with serious childhood trauma, our cure rate is scarily low and a path that most can not endure

    We have to be resilient, adaptive, and able to take action in the face of failure

    Not many have walked the path and faced the demons I have

    To this day childhood trauma causes real suffering, the only thing I have been able to do is to limit his evil

    We never heal, Life is a different gladiator role in the colussium of life

    Everyday is not a given nature is cruel, life is not fair, we earn what wellbeing we enjoy

  7. Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

    I can’t help wondering, how many instances there have been wherein immense long-term suffering by children of dysfunctional rearing might have been prevented had the parent(s) received, as high school students, some crucial child development science education by way of mandatory curriculum? After all, dysfunctional and/or abusive parents, for example, may not have had the chance to be anything else due to their lack of such education and their own dysfunctional/abusive rearing as children.

    Too many people will procreate regardless of their questionable ability to raise their children in a mentally healthy/functional manner. Being free nations, society cannot prevent anyone from bearing children; society can, however, thoroughly educate all young people for the most important job ever, even those who plan to remain childless.

    I would like to see child-development science curriculum implemented for secondary high school students, and it would also include neurodiversity, albeit not overly complicated. It would be mandatory course material, however, and considerably more detailed than what’s already covered by home economics, etcetera, curriculum: e.g. diaper changing, baby feeding and so forth. I don’t believe that the latter is sufficient when it comes to the proper development of a young child, mind as well as body.

  8. We do not focus on helping at risk kids

    And training to be a good parent
    As you said

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