My moods shift, ptsd ignites again

Pixabay: pixel2013



This is my mood right now, by noon it will shift, by six another emotion will rule, life is a struggle, it is painful.

It took me 8 years of intense therapy and meditation to calm all my PTSD symptoms. I was not completely healed but life was good for two years.

I meditated five hours a day for five years, went to weekly therapy, read everything on therapy, trauma, meditation, mindfulness and many spiritual or holistic healers..

It was the only two year period of relief in my life.

Now an old trauma ignited my childhood abuse, my PTSD has fired up again.

I thought it was dead, thought I beat it.

Ten years of work, how can it regenerate like this?

I have not given up but I have lost hope of ever healing, now.

Many people have spoken to me, when they had no response for my old trauma, they said bad shit happens.

It’s like that makes it ok or something, many people suffer the rest of their life after bad shit happening.

Always those without childhood abuse say just move on, it is simple, easy for them.

People are clueless and do more harm, friendships end.

I search and find something new, pour my heart into it, get momentary relief, then trauma eats my ass up again.

No matter how much some of us work, healing will likely never happen.

Sometimes hiking I wish I could just keep going deep in the woods, hike right off this damn planet, be free of what people have done to me.

I wish the pain would stop.



3 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Anonymous on June 8, 2021 at 10:16 pm

    so much of this rings true, i understand the daily struggles, the effort at healing but very little healing achieved, clueless friends that once were but now are the lost friendships, the isolation, the many shifts through the hours, sadly I know too well what you share here & I’m sorry for the suffering you express, so grateful for your sharing to know I’m not alone & another person somewhere understands, sending you strength & understanding to your soul for what you express & share, the bravery that takes, the exhaustion having to survive this daily,

    thank you

  2. Well I am sorry you understand

    Some days are crazy

  3. Posted by rudid96 on June 16, 2021 at 2:10 pm

    There’s endless psychic pain & rumination. Emotional energy is regularly sapped from the host.
    There’s a feature on Google that pictorially shows what you were doing years ago in the present day.
    I hate that feature. I’m simply reminded of the long struggle to feel whole, to feel worthy, and to be free of the C-PTSD .
    I’ve come to believe the fallout is permanent. There is only the forced acceptance of the kaleidoscope of moods. The colors of trauma can be vivid or muted but mine are never gray.

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