PTSD: what havoc has a year of Quarantine produced?

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Having a compromised immune system, contracting covid could of been fatal for me. I have already experienced two viral immune diseases, chronic fatigue and guillian beret, actually being paralyzed for three months.

With Covid, people presented a real danger to my health, combine that with my irrational childhood triggers, and you have a big mess.

In a way quarantine was the symptom of avoidance being enforced culturally. Since my PTSD erupted over a decade ago, some form of avoidance has always been present.

At my low points avoidance turned into agoraphobia. Now, I am close to agoraphobic again.

Five months into this quarantine an old trauma broke loose and entered my consciousness, my dormant childhood PTSD fired back up.

I enjoyed an almost symptom free period of two plus years. Yes I thought total healing was possible. Now I am at a low point again.

Childhood PTSD presents a calculation for every social situation, risk versus reward, suffering versus wellbeing.

There is no clear cut answer, no right thing to do. Therapy says we need community, attachment, I rarely have felt either.

Some risks turn into damage and suffering, some turn into a pleasant experience.

All risk contains anxiety and suffering for me. Many risks have turned out badly and made further risks unlikely.

My daughter is disappointed that her father, the type A driver, the highly motivated and active man has disappeared.

I am wondering how I kept pushing through my trauma, how I persevered in the midst of emotional turmoil.

It’s hard when we do not live up to expectations from those around us.

I feel shame for how compromised PTSD has made my life, my behavior.

Enjoying life is so far out of reach, I would plead just to be out of suffering.

In the midst of all this, I am venturing out today, going to the coast with a friend, to an aquarium.

Exposure therapy was over for me years ago, now life repeats itself.

Childhood trauma is the gift that keeps on giving, it never dies.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by rudid96 on June 7, 2021 at 4:57 pm

    Hey Mindful Marty, what happened with the positive moments you recently shared as a result of working with a new person? I hear you regarding the Pandemic. Isolation didn’t horrify me. In fact, there was a sense of normalcy, like now I wasn’t as much a freak AND excuses weren’t necessary to deflect triggering people. I find it painful to give up my mask. It was protection. I’ve got a compromised autoimmune condition too. Shifting from full isolation to ‘jump back in folks’ is more than just a little challenging. I believe you have an amazing fighting spirit. That’s what’s kept you researching, meditating, and empowered your abilities to reach out to others with healing words.

  2. Oh I am stuck

    Moods change

    One moment is good

    Another moment is sad

    Then another life has no purpose
    No desire

    My childhood Ptsd which i healed once

    Now it is back

    My anger and resentment about my abusers surfaces

    A decade of intense work
    Rudid96 and it is back

    That new person has helped me but nothing stops my ptsd

    With all my work

    I am suffering feeling ashamed at my core

    As I always have

    10 years of meditation and therapy have not stopped the suffering

    It has given brief periods of calm

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