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Having a compromised immune system, contracting covid could of been fatal for me. I have already experienced two viral immune diseases, chronic fatigue and guillian beret, actually being paralyzed for three months.
With Covid, people presented a real danger to my health, combine that with my irrational childhood triggers, and you have a big mess.
In a way quarantine was the symptom of avoidance being enforced culturally. Since my PTSD erupted over a decade ago, some form of avoidance has always been present.
At my low points avoidance turned into agoraphobia. Now, I am close to agoraphobic again.
Five months into this quarantine an old trauma broke loose and entered my consciousness, my dormant childhood PTSD fired back up.
I enjoyed an almost symptom free period of two plus years. Yes I thought total healing was possible. Now I am at a low point again.
Childhood PTSD presents a calculation for every social situation, risk versus reward, suffering versus wellbeing.
There is no clear cut answer, no right thing to do. Therapy says we need community, attachment, I rarely have felt either.
Some risks turn into damage and suffering, some turn into a pleasant experience.
All risk contains anxiety and suffering for me. Many risks have turned out badly and made further risks unlikely.
My daughter is disappointed that her father, the type A driver, the highly motivated and active man has disappeared.
I am wondering how I kept pushing through my trauma, how I persevered in the midst of emotional turmoil.
It’s hard when we do not live up to expectations from those around us.
I feel shame for how compromised PTSD has made my life, my behavior.
Enjoying life is so far out of reach, I would plead just to be out of suffering.
In the midst of all this, I am venturing out today, going to the coast with a friend, to an aquarium.
Exposure therapy was over for me years ago, now life repeats itself.
Childhood trauma is the gift that keeps on giving, it never dies.
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PTSD - A Way Out 
Posted by rudid96 on June 7, 2021 at 4:57 pm
Hey Mindful Marty, what happened with the positive moments you recently shared as a result of working with a new person? I hear you regarding the Pandemic. Isolation didn’t horrify me. In fact, there was a sense of normalcy, like now I wasn’t as much a freak AND excuses weren’t necessary to deflect triggering people. I find it painful to give up my mask. It was protection. I’ve got a compromised autoimmune condition too. Shifting from full isolation to ‘jump back in folks’ is more than just a little challenging. I believe you have an amazing fighting spirit. That’s what’s kept you researching, meditating, and empowered your abilities to reach out to others with healing words.
Posted by Marty on June 7, 2021 at 5:18 pm
Oh I am stuck
Moods change
One moment is good
Another moment is sad
Then another life has no purpose
No desire
My childhood Ptsd which i healed once
Now it is back
My anger and resentment about my abusers surfaces
A decade of intense work
Rudid96 and it is back
That new person has helped me but nothing stops my ptsd
With all my work
I am suffering feeling ashamed at my core
As I always have
10 years of meditation and therapy have not stopped the suffering
It has given brief periods of calm