Childhood PTSD: Desire rarely outweighs risk



My childhood PTSD, the last decade plus of suffering, depression and agoraphobia has negatively impacted my life. My triggers exploding, the fear of those triggers firing doused any desire to be around strangers, crowds or people.

For a couple years, I could not handle leaving the house, childhood trauma had destroyed my life. My mind became my greatest enemy, I suffered, that’s when my therapist raised my antidepressant to five time the normal dose.

I was on 350 milligrams of Effexor, 75 was the normal dose. After moving to another state, every doctor I crossed thought my Effexor dosage was close to malpractice. A prescribing PhD. Psychologist wrote the script.

For me, I have never felt anything but side effects from antidepressants. I knew a pill would never heal childhood abuse.

Normal life was a thing of the past, all my effort was to stop the pain, anxiety and triggers from firing. Being around people became impossible to navigate, I was part vegetable with uncontrollable fear, my nervous system erupted when it wanted.

Desire receded, taking risks was inconceivable, each day felt like a week. It was easy to see why some committed suicide. For me, my father would win, so suicide would never happen.

Now, there is no geographical destination or event I have any interest in seeing. Desire changed for me, I found a way to exist needing very, very little.

Keeping my life calm is far more important than taking risks around people.

I am not lonely, not bored, and not a victim.

I am frustrated after a decade of intense therapy and practice.

Healing seems so far out of my reach, I will be long dead and buried.

I have overcome chronic pain, guillian beret and chronic fatigue, so my willpower and courage are proven.

Saying that, childhood PTSD resists all my concerted efforts.

What percentage heal from serious childhood abuse?

The ACE study says we suffer and die early not heal.



2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Depressed on June 6, 2021 at 6:42 am

    Thank you for your words of experience. They sound very familiar. I have no help..

  2. I know

    How do we repair it

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