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https://www.pinterest.com/pin/13581236366457321/
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I am in the midst of new understandings about my inner world.
Yesterday at the podiatrist my blood pressure was somewhat high.
My reaction brought a shift. I always thought any physical flaws or body disabilities were a weakness, my failure.
For the first time, I felt no guilt since childhood.
My father’s demand for perfection, subconsciously manifested in feeling guilt with any flaws.
So much of my angst and anxiety emanated from these subconscious judgments.
My mother was strict catholic, guilt was her weapon of choice, my atheist father wanted a superstar, he used criticism and violence to enforce his demands.
It sounds embarrassing for a grown man to say, for the first time I have no guilt for having high blood pressure.
Funny, I had some resistance writing that from inside, a queasiness of sorts.
Remember, let the narrative go, feel the body sensations, be present, let go.
What a journey lately a for this old man.
Any thoughts?
All of you out there have subconscious judgments that influence present behavior.
For me, I am an Ace kid, Adverse Childhood Experiences (https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/aces/about.html).
Severely abused as a kid, my body has contracted chronic fatigue and guillian beret, two viral, immune deficient diseases.
So we get sick more, suffer more and die younger.
That’s what childhood abuse does to us.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by marandarussell on June 2, 2021 at 3:20 pm
I score super high on the ACE chart too 😦
Posted by Marty on June 2, 2021 at 3:25 pm
I think many who follow this blog score high if they have childhood abuse
When others tell you why can’t you just let it go
They should read the ACE study
Posted by marandarussell on June 2, 2021 at 3:29 pm
True. Have you read the book “The Body Keeps Score” or something like that?
Posted by Marty on June 2, 2021 at 3:36 pm
I have read The Body Keeps the Score
The original book on this was by Peter Levine
Waking the Tiger
Peter Levine, Ph.D. is the originator and developer of Somatic Experiencing® and the Director of the Foundation for Human Enrichment. He holds doctorate degrees in both Medical Biophysics and Psychology. During his thirty year study of stress and trauma, Dr. Levine has contributed to a variety of scientific, medical, and popular publications. His book, Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma is in its fifth printing and receiving wide international attention. Peter was a consultant for NASA during the development of the Space Shuttle, and has taught at hospitals and pain clinics in both Europe and the U.S., as well as at the Hopi Guidance Center in Arizona. He lives near Lyons, Colorado, on the banks of the St. Vrain River. –This text refers to the paperback edition.
From the Back Cover
Waking the Tiger offers a new and hopeful vision of trauma. It views the human animal as a unique being, endowed with an instinctual capacity to heal as well as an intellectual spirit to harness this innate capacity. It asks and answers an intriguing question – why are animals in the wild, though threatened routinely, rarely traumatized? By understanding the dynamics that make wild animals virtually immune to traumatic symptoms, the mystery of human trauma is revealed. Waking the Tiger normalizes the symptoms of trauma and the steps needed to heal them. –This text refers to the paperback edition.
Posted by marandarussell on June 2, 2021 at 3:37 pm
Yeah, it was a really good book.
Posted by cheriewhite on June 2, 2021 at 8:44 pm
My heart goes out to you. I’m an ACE kid too. I was severely bullied during middle and high school. We all suffer different types of abuse and abuse is what leads to ACE’s and bad health later in life. If only abusers realized it. As for my physical health, I’ve been blessed so far and I hope it stays that way. Wishing you many blessings and a peaceful life from here!
Posted by Marty on June 2, 2021 at 10:28 pm
Well thank you
I have survived
Life has always been worth fighting for
Posted by cheriewhite on June 2, 2021 at 10:34 pm
You’re very welcome, Marty. Absolutely it’s worth fighting for. Life is beautiful if you look for the beauty in it. Like you, I survived too. I did more than survive. I overcame and now I use what I went through to help those who endure the same today. I admire you for overcoming your obstacles. And I wish you all the peace and prosperity!
Posted by Marissa Hunt on October 14, 2021 at 10:10 pm
This waas a lovely blog post
Posted by Marty on October 14, 2021 at 10:43 pm
Thank you