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After a decade of therapy and effort to heal, I see the big picture, the landscape of my childhood abuse and my inner world.

Many pieces of old trauma have been integrated and my life improved for a while. My trauma was layered, integrate a piece and another part comes forward.

My issue is how my mind developed in childhood. Living under serious abuse, my brain hard wired while in survival mode.

That means my nervous system and my defense mechanism were always on high alert. My brain wired parts together to spot imminent danger.

Think of being with your four year old child trying to find your way out of a jungle, feel the anxiety and vulnerability of protecting as predators approach. Your anxiety and fight or flight mechanism explodes.

Now, imagine your brain functions like this everywhere you go. I always spot emotional danger, survival mode is second nature and mostly subconscious. Before I go out, my mind has assessed the possible dangers.

My friends look forward to being at events, I strive to get back home as quick as possible.

My mind wired around fear and danger.

Many executive functions are shut down when emotional fear rocks our world, real or perceived.

It was easy to spot danger as a kid, my brain wired together to protect me from my father. Living a non threatening day as a kid did not exist for me, ever. I have become aware that most of my life, my brain was in its own version of survival mode.

Hard for others to understand our plight. It has taken me this long to understand the issues I face.

Feeling safe, secure, worthy with attachments never developed inside my brain. Never developed in adulthood.

Can we rewire a brain damaged in childhood? Has it been done? Could my brain act normally?

I mean we have our core personality by late teens. If you are happy go lucky, comfortable and secure with others, that’s how your brain hardwired. That brain is wired the polar opposite of mine.

It’s the difference between wartime and peace, imminent danger or feeling safe and at ease.

After a decade of intense work my hard wiring has not changed one bit. How do we rewire our brain to feel safe?

How do we rewire trust?

I have worked on rebuilding trust, however my nervous system and defense mechanism remain on high alert below my conscious layer.

Integrating trauma is different than trying to rewire a traumatized childhood brain.

After a decade, I finally see what’s wrong but nothing has worked so far.

I have asked therapists can we rewire a seriously traumatized brain?

No clear answer.

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