https://pixabay.com/users/artcorestudios-704771/
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My mind was hard wired in a different way due to childhood trauma.
Healing happens when I can integrate old trauma and habits to this present moment.
Underlying all of this, below consciousness, my mind automatically scours every situation for danger, then focuses on the danger intently, almost exclusively.
Regular feelings and concerns disappear when a threat enters my consciousness.
Redid96 asks, “Do people with C-PTSD ever become like ‘normal’ folk; social engagement is spontaneous, tools for self-regulation are held lightly, without the life or death grip.”
We never become like normal folk. We can be the best version of ourselves, that’s all!
I can discount the danger my mind always searches out but stopping it from searching not so much. My mind has searched before I can catch it most days.
It has taken a decade of peeling the onion to find this intense concern for future danger hiding deep below everything.
I was never aware this part of my mind even existed, from my earliest memories I always felt like this.
I had a period of a couple years where my mind felt safer, it took many years of therapy and daily meditation.
My successes have a time period to enjoy, then the next piece of trauma appears.
For me, this is the core, the foundation of my childhood trauma manifested around intense fear.
My mind thinks it’s still in an emotional war deep in its basement. Each day brings another battle it has identified.
My mind is not the eternal optimist, he feels wounded, vulnerable and unworthy at his core.
I can not disown his wayward ideas, trade this mind for a healthy one, the only escape is healing.
My goal is to unplug all this emotional fear.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by kberman on May 21, 2021 at 3:25 pm
Marty, I deeply believe you will make it. Start adding a new direction for this wonderful blog as a way to make sure you don’t stay damaged to feel relevant. I started my blog in 2004 and have had to pivot many times. Keep doing what you are going. Look for new topics. I keep a file of 20 topics and add to them as I find good material. I focus 3-4 topics at a time. BTY it has taken me 44 years of seeking healing to get where I am. It is a slow slough. Keep open-minded.
Posted by rudid96 on May 21, 2021 at 3:35 pm
Thank you for your blog, Mindful Marty. Your words are so clear. It’s easy to identify with the expressed trauma & pain. The tools you’ve suggested along the way are invaluable. It’s unfortunate that too many suffer at the hands of others however, each of your posts fills me with gratitude that someone out there ‘gets it’ and inspired by your work that’s required to build within a peaceful existence.
Posted by Kyrie on May 21, 2021 at 3:52 pm
Spontaneous social engagement constantly eludes me. I love reading your blog Marty. It is very helpful.
Posted by Marty on May 21, 2021 at 4:09 pm
Thank you
Yea as I get older some social engagement is worse than going to the dentist
But I know being uncomfortable does not make us unworthy or lacking
I lived my life as an introvert, my personality suppressed by my childhood abuse
Now I am guarded extrovert
I can be talkative and lively or hide in the corner
Depends on the circumstances and what danger I feel
It is a minefield for us
Posted by Marty on May 21, 2021 at 4:14 pm
Thanks dude
I struggle as all,of you do at times
When I started this blog nothing was shared that was personal
It took me a long time before I shared specific details
Now I can share the horrible shit easily
Too easily maybe
What a life we were handed
In the end we become a victim or become a fighter
Healing is not guaranteed but suffering will be a companion if we give up
One therapist told me,
Even if you have to limp to get on the dance floor, participate
We need to have courage, the ability to take action and the ability to let go at times.
There will always be issues that explode from time to time
If we think healing is euphoria for the rest of our life
You will be devastated
Posted by Marty on May 21, 2021 at 6:57 pm
Kberman:
Well I hope I make it also but I have not given up and I am 69
I know results are above my pay grade so I control my effort and attitude
I will make my part happen
I have many topics subtopics around neuroscience and meditation and therapies to keep me busy
Posted by kberman on May 22, 2021 at 3:04 pm
Thanks. I am 80 and am looking forward to 20+ more years. Quitting many addictions and becoming a vegetarian have enabled me to enjoy excellent health. Love your journey.