https://www.pinterest.com/pin/2111131067243853/
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I often wonder why my PTSD has been so destructive.
My dad exerted so much energy, a 24/7 constant obsession of grooming me for baseball stardom. I was more of an it to him, a thing, not a separate life, not an autonomous person with desires and needs.
That’s how a narcissist owns things, uses things (people) for their pleasure. Their empathy centers do not work correctly.
Whether at school, home or on a field of competition, he controlled my every move, reviewed every play of every game and performance at school, then punished any actions that deviated from his master plan.
I guess it was to replace his lost childhood from early pregnancy at 16 and subsequent end of his high school career.
He wanted to control every part of my life, even micromanage my thoughts. He stole my childhood, my life for his own sick narcissistic pleasure.
There was no opportunity for me to be me, in fact being me would get beat for insolence.
There was no deviation in what he decided I would be, just an emphasis on being much better than everyone else.
It was lonely, isolating and highly abusive.
Instead of me forming my ego, he told me what my ego should look like and act like.
I see why I am so messed up, always searching for the real me.
We do not pick our parents, so this is my challenge, I can accept it and take action or be a victim.
I fight on.
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https://www.pinterest.com/pin/267190190381444390/
PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by Marty on May 18, 2021 at 2:46 pm
The second chart is interesting
In narcissist families children are pitted against each other.
When my father died, at his funeral, one of my brothers, 15 years younger, came up to me and said, I know you do not like me.
I told him that was dads way of trying to make you a better baseball player
Why would I hate you
What benefit and have I ever said anything like that, of course 5he answer was no
The hiding the abuse and acting like we were perfect was real
And the never good enough
My father hardly ever uttered a kind word to me
He did not like me
I reveal this in order to heal from it
My stuff is hard wired from a crazy obsessed narcissist dad
But I have had good times in spite of all this
Posted by kberman on May 18, 2021 at 2:47 pm
Excellent as usual, Marty. I tried to leave you a reply on my post today of the great review you did for using the breath to calm the mind. I love your gravatar. But I really question the wisdom of your therapist about some people going too far down. What a devastating comment. She/he was probably threatened by you. The first comment i got from a counselor 50 years ago was:”Do you know you are a very intimidating person?.” It didn’t slow me down though.
Posted by Marty on May 18, 2021 at 2:54 pm
My gravitatars name is K.C.
My bengal cat
That therapist comment was helpful and it was delivered in a kind way
He had seen many victims suffer by playing with their trauma
In a way it was the only time a therapist brought urgency into a session
He also said even if you have to limp
Get out in the dance floor
Complex PTSD can drive us to isolate and not take action
He knew I was a pro jock and took action
For me when I am feeling down and sorry for myself
I hear his words a d get my butt back to now
I do fear being a victim
Cause we suffer then
Posted by Marty on May 18, 2021 at 2:57 pm
Now I would say your therapist telling u were intimidating
Wow
Seems that comment says this therapist can not be neutral
May not tell u some things because of ur reactions
I had a pain psychologist my group chronic pain leader tell meme could not put himself in our place
Feel
What it was like
I had to leave that soup after a while
It is our journey not any therapist
Posted by kberman on May 18, 2021 at 3:04 pm
I have had a 44 year journey but rarely found help from professionals. Tried but struck out 4-5 times. I don’t think PTSD is a choice but I have found my depression to be one. Maybe it is a case of severity.
Posted by Marty on May 18, 2021 at 3:39 pm
Therapy was a help for me
It has its limitations
Anyone who says it’s a choice is misinformed
It is a choice how we respond thought
To not try to not take action is a choice
Big consequences follow that choice
We do not have to judge it, but we will have live with the consequences
Hell I lack the ability to take action in the beginning so we all have our moments
In sports, it’s not devastating if you get knocked down, but staying there is
Posted by Marty on May 18, 2021 at 3:46 pm
Funny what posts draw attention
Posted two today and usually the first post received much more attention
I was a thing to my Narcisistic Father
It’s the title
We Ptsd people know drama and abuse
Like an insect to the light
Posted by The Ascension Diet - Eating To Ascend on May 18, 2021 at 5:56 pm
I too was a thing to my parents, sabotaged and discarded. Suffering anneals the soul. For insight into the latent, base mindset of these narcissists, this is helpful https://www.gatewaystobabylon.com/religion/phoenician1.htm
and searching in my article for the word suffering might be of interest to some. This is beyond Oedipal. But I suggest not that we are drawn to trauma, but that it refines us for that final liberation.
Posted by Marty on May 18, 2021 at 6:34 pm
You have to aware of why your mind has certain tendencies or habits to change them
Posted by rudid96 on May 20, 2021 at 9:52 pm
When that little voice whispers in your ear “you’re too sensitive” & may recall some human kindness AND you’re tempted to believe things are different now, say “STOP.” It’ll never, ever, change.
Posted by Growing Up With a Narcissist Relative Means a Lifetime of Recovering Your Soul – Emotional Sobriety Means Healing Mind, Body, and Soul on May 21, 2021 at 12:36 pm
[…] One of the best sources for growing up with a narcissist is from Marty writing at PTSD-A Way Out: I was a thing to my Narcissist dad: […]