https://pixabay.com/users/pavlofox-514753/
.
.
Becoming aware of the rigid ideals of my alpha male distortions, some of my PTSD integrated.
Life has returned to my old normal, being able to calm any PTSD symptoms that pop up. Not healed but not suffering.
Dropping the identity I carried from childhood, a space opened up.
Other perceived failures have also started to be re-evaluated and dropped.
The only affection I ever received from my dad came from me performing well in competitive sports.
My masculinity was all about performance against other males.
My importance to my father was based entirely on my conquering other males on a competitive arena.
I thought he would abandon me, when I was ten.
Seeing how this formed my concept of masculinity, explains my behavior and mental disorder.
This is like a big compartment now, I can just put it to the side.
I have been chasing this piece for a decade, trying to understand, trying to heal, trying to not feel like a failure.
Goodness, in the light of day, I would never sign up for such a life.
The good news, I feel better, my next challenge is probably on its way.
Gallows humor and sarcasm still remain.
.
.
PTSD - A Way Out.com 