A conversation with my therapist

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My relationship with my therapist is unique, very open, and I sense a true concern for my healing. He recognizes my knowledge of PTSD and effort trying to heal.

Serious trauma before the brain develops has so many more tentacles hidden inside. Survival mode shuts down many needed brain developmental functions. Building attachments, social skills, feeling safe and trust suffer in survival mode.

He said some childhood trauma gets hard wired inside brain development, unplugging this will be arduous if possible.

My mind learned to lock on to my fathers mood at all times. My therapist said this was real, abuse happened every week, and I lived in survival mode. A mind does not develop correctly while in survival mode.

PTSD being a choice: He laughed and said very few people understand serious childhood trauma. What people say can do damage, it’s like others trying to place blame or guilt on us for our PTSD.

A response yesterday: “Try focusing on something else besides all your traumas. Design & build something with your hands. Incorporate your grandkids into new projects.”

A normal brain can not fathom intrusive thoughts. That is your mind running full speed on its own, bombarding us with zillions of trauma dangers. Building things is a distraction, a good action but does nothing to heal trauma or stop the intrusive thoughts.

Subconsciously our minds search for danger in every situation without thought. This is survival mode or the hybrid that still lives inside me.

Loss is big for serious abused kids.

At 69 I still fear being a failure. I had to search deep while meditating to uncover these subconscious worries.

My actions mirror this behavior but consciously I did not have those thoughts.

I see now that I have always lived in some semblance of survival mode.

That’s all I knew as a kid. It is hard wired. I hit overload if you put me in a crowd.

It is not enjoyable. How do you fix not trusting on top of all the other PTSD symptoms?

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3 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Brian (SearchingForLostSoul) on May 4, 2021 at 1:58 pm

    Trust. Hummm. I learned at 8 not to trust anyone except close family. I kind of consider it a blessing because well, people are people. The wanting to relax, I get that.

  2. Posted by KIM PRICE on May 4, 2021 at 2:32 pm

    Trusting was a sign for me that therapy was kicking away the worst of my PTSD

  3. Thank you for your input.

    It must be suiting to see improvement

    Kudos to you

    Keep going

    I improved a lot over a five year period but trust was very limited

    Being vulnerable has been a weakness

    Fear of failure was learned from the earliest memory with my father

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