Looking back on the Week

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Description of this week: There is an internal war going on, battles are intermittent but intense.

My moods can switch instantly, the morose part brings many emotions, seemingly before thought even starts. Remember the defense mechanism fires immediately, the cognitive side is 5 seconds delayed.

PTSD triggers fire our defense mechanism, called our fight or flight mechanism. This is part of the mechanical, physical side of trauma. Think of that, a trigger fires before directed thought even knows what the hell just happened.

I have eliminated this repressed trauma three times, gaining some freedom for a few days, then it appears again. With my childhood trauma, once a piece was integrated, my improvement lasted.

So part of my day is good, part horrible and then the rest spent distracting my mind.

I have to play solitaire while I watch 📺 tv, it takes two things like this to prevent my mind from ruminating. Having chronic pain and being 69, I do not have the energy to go back to my workaholic distraction.

Much of my adult life, I see now, was spent working or being busy, overloaded to outrun what was chasing me. Spending time alone with my mind was avoided at all costs. Sound familiar?

Fear is not a big part of my PTSD lately, humiliation and shame are far more dangerous and debilitating.

Humiliation and shame have a huge impact on unworthiness.

Childhood abuse brings anxiety, fear and unworthiness at its core. Unworthiness and abandonment were my big fears as a child.

I was going to get beat severely no matter what.

I feared, but never cried, giving that son of a bitch (dad) any satisfaction.

Even as a little kid, there was a apart of me that would not let him think he could hurt me.

That’s hilarious now as he has stolen most of my adult life. I was using my only strength against him, sadly it was not enough.

It was the emotional crap that carried on inside. We all have strengths and weaknesses.

I can endure pain, unworthiness and shame are my weaknesses. Know your strengths and weaknesses.

For me going after the physical part of PTSD first, was using my strengths. I needed to take as much power away from PTSD before I attacked my weaknesses.

Common sense for me, comes from pro ball, how to improve and fill in your weaknesses.

It’s called the off season.

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4 responses to this post.

  1. You are so right … We need to be aware of our strengths before we can address our weaknesses.

  2. Thanks for the input

    Is it like the low hanging fruit.

    For me PTSD has immense power and killing as much as possible first, seems they way you would deal,with any enemy

  3. Posted by Anne Houseal on March 21, 2021 at 5:37 pm

    Thank you for the info on how the trigger fires. I had several incidences this past week of that happening. Your description really helps to know I am not alone. Maybe I am not so abnormal after all. Thank you.
    P.S. check out Geocaching.com. Play/view maps. This ‘hobby’ keeps me sane. I can hike and find caches at the same time:)

  4. I will have to try your distraction

    Thanks for the input

    Our ability to use our focus to calm triggers is very important

    Triggers, firing also brings us tunnel vision, heart rate, blood pressure and pulse quickens

    Blood coagulants and pain killers are secreted, cortisol and adrenaline give us super energy to fight or get the hell out of there.

    PTSD brings the other alternative, we freeze after a couple triggers.

    I had 15 triggers a day at one time, that’s plenty of fear drugs to knock a horse down.

    Our mind has such anxiety it is confused with fear, cognitive functions near impossible.

    Hell I can not even talk when a big one hits

    Others feel nothing and we freak out

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