Bad days look like this now



How do we describe something no one else can feel or see? It is PTSD of course.

Yesterday my nervous system ramped up enough to make me uncomfortable.

I felt something bad was going to happen, it is a theme that has played since my earliest childhood memories.

It is subconscious and insidious. Certain feeling predate my brain developing, so it feels ghostly to me.

Life became guarded, like someone with a gun was going to ambush me. Abstract and unknown.

PTSD does not explode with triggers anymore, it manifests like this now.

Unworthiness and shame have replaced triggers firing violently. It is a vast improvement but PTSD survives.

Damn, I have worked hard and long to kill all my trauma but some always survives.

I play defense until it breaks.

It is a day of letting go and distracting myself with chores, tasks, meditating and exercise.

It is a time to let thoughts about depression and unworthiness flow on through.

It is a time when PTSD steals my opportunity to feel normal, happy.

It unplugs all my healing as PTSD raises its ugly head again in my life.

I have to control my anger at my abusers and betrayers.

PTSD has become much more stealthy and subtle, not the triggers exploding mess it once was.

People without childhood abuse have no idea, no clue what life is like for us.



6 responses to this post.

  1. I woke up with this feeling, could not get up out of bed for a while. So these feelings arrive without my input, without my thoughts or power, when they want

    I mean ptsd arrives and either we avoid, run, deny or face and try and heal.

    But PTSD has stolen another day whether I fight or give in

    We do not have that foundation of someone loving and supporting us.

    I have no memories of being told I was ok, good enough, worthy of life.

    I do not have a place where everything was in order, where I felt safe and worthy.

    All I have is this mess

    All my healing starts a new person

    Trying to give him things others take for granted..
    Everytime things explode I see the contrast of normal,lives to mine

    In the meditation group I participate online, it is startling to hear them rejoice in life, be free and easy with themselves and the future.

    I have no clue how they do that

  2. “Unless we drop paranoia (which literally means to be out of your mind) unless you drop the conspiracy theories that everyone seems to be so attached to and convinced by, unless we do that, we will not be able to see and understand the truth that the one who runs this world is God.” – Shunyamurti
    The energies affecting earth are more extreme than in the last 12K years and everyones’ consciousness is under attack. What helps this is faith (which is hope and trust) that our spirit will transcend the onslaughts which we cannot stop.
    Fact: waking up with unbidden, un-asked-for traumatic memories after a stretch of good days is more from the tower and ssatellite system of mind control than random brain association. Our minds are mapped and manipulated.
    I want people to know this. What was demonic and supernatural (actually, preternatural is the word choice when referring to what Satan does) has been systematized via Quantum computer artificial intelligence.
    The fear instilled in our CPTSD-hardwired minds and bodies must be faced with FAITH and trusting the goodness of who we are. We must not entertain evil.
    Tactics: boost the alkalinity of the body through foods, a bath in baking soda water, even a 1/4tsp of cream of tartar in a cup of juice. Listen to 432 or other hertz than 440 frequency music while doing work with hands and body, exercise, cooking, gardening. Turn the wifi devices off/ do a digital detox. For example, I get online once a day, sometimes every two days. Then computer is offline except desktop local work off drives. And PRAY and MEDITATE EVERY SINGLE TIME FEAR IS FELT, or anxiety, panic, grief wash over. The mind is a battleground. I find reading the ancient texts and accounts/biographies/histories puts TODAY intothe same PERSPECTIVE of 500, 1,000 and 6,000 years ago.
    I could go on. I am not lecturing anyone. The only way to be free of this is disempowering the trauma these ways.

  3. That’s a mouthful

    Not entertain evil

    I agree with that totally

    Resist the bullshit thoughts

  4. Yeah, it’s packed but you summed it up.

  5. At 18:00 on it really speaks about the trauma system. But the whole video is worthy of watching.

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