Some feelings from childhood never left

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On my journey much of my trauma has been integrated, great improvement has been achieved. How much more remains, I have no clue.

I lived a complete childhood fearing what was going to happen, and terrible things happened every week.

Now it is the unknown, out there. With our trust issues we believe harm is close.

How do you change that kind of fear, that feeling something bad is going to happen. I have always lived with that feeling deep inside.

I would ask others, what it is like not to feel this way? I guess this is why autonomy and worthiness are strangers to us.

I do not remember a time, when I felt confident life was safe. I have been happy at times but that never eliminated that doom was near. So any happiness was rigid and contained, able to be destroyed in a second.

Failure, loss, ridicule and suffering happened multiple times every week.

How do you change a nervous system trained to fire at imminent danger every week as a kid.

My nervous system never knew a safe space, never felt safe.

I always had to go back home as a child.

When your trapped for 16 years like this, our nervous systems will never resemble a normal persons.

Realizing this fact, let’s me set expectations that are realistic.

If I think happiness is being like a normal person, that is never going to happen.

We can achieve happiness but it will be entirely different.

I do not expect to trust others but I do expect to be happy.

I know others have their subconscious fears of the unknown.

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5 responses to this post.

  1. Sometimes even though we grow up, the fear never grow out and away from us. Fears can remain or transform into many things.😞

  2. I agree

    Mine comes and goes

    Knowing that it exists let’s me discount it’s reality

    Just because I feel that way not make it accurate

    Thanks for the insight

  3. Sometimes fears remain hidden until they are somehow triggered. But we become better when facing our fears.

  4. We do

    We can not give up

    Funny that feeling is always there

    I have to take action against it when it appears

    I am not helpless but it has haunted me

    I guess I have overcome it many times

    The thing I have never been able to do is kill it so I can feel

    More normal

    To have PTSD and a feeling like this sucks

  5. Self-therapy is in order! Or maybe professional..

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