Pixabay: QuinceCreative
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Living my childhood in survival mode most of the time, impacted the way my mind would work the rest of my life.
Repeated abuse hardwired the way my mind reacted to the external world.
Maybe you share some of these traits.
My mind does a deep dive when PTSD trigger situations confront me.
Friends are shocked how long I focus on an event.
Thoughts never slow down when PTSD activates, worry is always present.
This type of fear was generated before my mind developed so it has a ghostly quality.
Some abuse happened before the parts to heal in the brain were formed.
I spend time trying to figure the cause, then ways to escape this nightmare.
Some of us lost the birth lottery.
My trauma thoughts make my nervous system rev higher than normal people.
Subconsciously my mind is on guard, sort of an invisible danger sensor.
I have observed my mind and nervous system act when no real danger existed.
I work on being gentle with myself now
Yesterday meditating I visualized me at 10, then I surrounded him with kindness and approval.
My mind also gives effort each day to heal a little.
We must resist.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by Aleea on March 9, 2021 at 6:54 pm
My mother lost the birth lottery, then we lived next door to her parents until I was 7, and then only one mile away until I was physically strong enough to fight them both off at around 11.5-ish. And observant enough to realize they were putting something in warm milk that made me nearly comatose but almost awake (?) My dad was just too busy always working to notice.
Posted by Aleea on March 9, 2021 at 6:59 pm
My childhood memories are so spotty and disjointed. I have waves of feelings and emotions that come seemingly out if nowhere. And then there was my grandfather’s associates…
My mind has tendencies too. Distrust, anger, a seething rage. And my nervous system is shot.
Posted by Marty on March 9, 2021 at 7:57 pm
I have felt exactly like you but keeping that hate just harms us
I need not forgive but I need to take responsibility for my life