Fear of Failing haunts me

Sahar Zulfiqar Ahmad|Personal Development|Mental Health

.

.

My father was a narcissist that liked keeping his target in survival mode. He had much more control. He wanted me to fear him, obey him like a robot.

At 18 in the garage, he got pissed and started coming at me.

For the first time in my life, I clinched my first and took a step backward. He stopped immediately and said you do not kick your old mans ass.

He had beat me for 18 years. As an adult, I regretted not taking the opportunity. All his abuse was emotional from then on.

Fear of abandonment and failure were constant companions.

I would rather die that lose or be humiliated. What was important was dictated by my dads desires. He told me what to think, how to play, who to like and who to hate.

That was not a rational decision but a symptom of childhood trauma.

My dad was not capable of saying a kind word to me. I see that now.

At 69, underneath, deep inside, I always avoid criticism and ridicule.

I think about death and failing.

Yes even death holds a chance of ridicule for me.

My mind Searches every person and situation evaluating the chance of being ridiculed or humiliated. It does it on its own without thought from me.

I avoid places and people, groups to survive even now.

It feels intrinsic, before thought, who I am.

That can not be true, but how much fear and abuse does it take to imprint for life, like this.

What I see in the mirror does not resemble what my friends see in me.

Words do not reach my core.

What do you do when you have done the healing work for ten years and you are still suffering?

I healed once before this repressed trauma from college exploded.

All my tools and skills have not touched this new trauma.

At 69 to be suffering like this, pisses me off.

My PTSD does not scare me anymore, it pisses me off.

I wonder what happened to my father when he died.

Did he have to pay for abusing me?

How do you ruin a life your were supposed to love and protect?

I guess abusers have different thoughts than us.

.

.

6 responses to this post.

  1. “How do you ruin a life your were supposed to love and protect? I guess abusers have different thoughts than us.” They must! It’s the only explanation I can find or offer. Abusers clearly have a different thought pattern than us and unfortunately it’s something we will never be able to understand. Hugs to you!

  2. For me it makes no sense

    Looking at the big picture

    I see some kids who are born into horrific situations

    Many end dead
    Or in prison
    Addicts etc

    My abuse has exploded as I get older and weaker

    Ptsd is irrational by definition

    My
    Mind has been infected

    It runs this damn thing in its own

    Without my input

    The mechanisms that protect us are attacking us now

  3. Keep fighting, friend. We deserve so much more than we were given. We have to find some way to move forward on our own terms. It’s not easy, I know. It has been 38 years since the end of my childhood abuse and 12 years since family emotional abuse and estrangements, and I am just now starting to break free form it and that way it had me thinking. Yes, our minds are affected, but we have to take that, be aware of it, and try to make it what we want. I believe we have that power; it’s just not quick – takes a moment at a time.

  4. I hope others are reading about your strength

    Please share what it has taken for you to get better

    Willpower courage ability to take action a few

    I would invite you to write a guest post on your journey if you feel comfortable

  5. Posted by rudid96 on February 27, 2021 at 4:00 pm

    “How do you ruin a life you were supposed to love and protect?” If you’re the unfortunate child born to this individual, your earliest experience is at the very best, conditional. A child is only a tool. Its purpose is to satisfy their insatiable damaged ego. Their lies are their truths and justifications. I see their twisted motivations all too clearly at this late point. It’s painful to own all ways their sickness has defined my life. No More! The battle to move beyond the abuse and neglect is real.

  6. How do you ruin a life you were supposed to love and protect?

    That sentence struck a chord

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: