Dr. Anne Brown
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Our Ego should be carefully created like a resume. A lively rejoice of our great qualities.
Wow, I wish with all my heart.
Resumes do not have any negative words, admission of loss or highlighted weaknesses.
Abused kids create an Ego that is flawed, it has elements of unworthiness, as it creates not only a damaged Ego but a dangerous world.
Our created Ego has never known a time without abuse, he/she never has experienced what normal people think or feel.
Attachments are dysfunctional and abusive in our childhoods.
My low was not thinking I had a right to be alive. True story.
It is insidious as a disease the way it impacts our mind and heart.
I have worked many hours recreating a normal Ego, but stress or crisis brings PTSD and the old Ego thrives.
Our self image was distorted by abuse and criticism, we never felt good enough, this feeling seems to be there from birth for us.
It is haunting not to have a memory where we felt ok, normal, deserving.
Creating a new Ego, working feverishly to heal, has only garnered short periods of freedom from my abused Ego.
He feels so hard wired, I have no remembrance of feeling ok, ever.
How are we supposed to feel? What do kids not abused feel like?
My abuse plays everyday, on its own, it brings not good enough trauma, it brings shame.
Every day I try to distract my mind, try to let the shame go, try to stay present.
I am exhausted and worn down from the constant onslaught of intrusive thoughts.
My mind is attacking my sanity.
It does not care that it harms the host.
That is childhood abuse matured into adult Complex PTSD.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by Marty on February 26, 2021 at 3:05 pm
The picture in the post rings so true.
My dad was perceived totally different in public
The whole family hid the monster he was
To this day they deny he abused me
Do not count in family help healing
I damn sure gave up in that decade ago
Posted by cheriewhite on March 2, 2021 at 5:08 am
My heart goes out to you, Marty. When being abused and torn down is all you know, it’s hard to find peace and self-acceptance. Abuse causes the abused to see themselves through the eyes of their abusers and it can be a vicious cycle. I’ve learned the hard way that it takes making some truly heartbreaking decisions and cutting people you love (your abusers) out of your life. But you must be ready before you can do that. But please don’t give up on yourself. Know that you deserve a good life and to be happy. Sending you much love and light! 🙂
Posted by Marty on March 2, 2021 at 2:48 pm
Thank you
I have healed once and have cut my family out of my life a decade ago
My family defends my abuser and denies everything
The dysfunctional family must look perfect to the world
I got a few gifts enduring my childhood
I have willpower unlike many others I have met and an ability to endure pain and not give up
They r the skills I used to heal the first t8me
Posted by cheriewhite on March 2, 2021 at 4:48 pm
You’re so welcome, Marty. I’m so glad you were able to use something so terrible for good.