PTSD has exploded with old age, retirement

A rare peak behind the curtain the real me.



Work and play always kept that demon inside, chasing me at bay.

With retirement and large swaths of time to think, I finally see my life, the big picture.

I am devastated.

Like many, we did not have a chance as little kids.

My childhood abuse followed me into college, where betrayal broke that abused little boys back.

It was stored as the most horrific thing that ever happened to me. I can not change how this was stored, the intensity or the harm or the event itself. Oh I have tried.

I never realized, I should never have entered a relationship with a partner, ever. I did not know the risk, the damage for life that would happen.

Childhood abuse left me damaged and incapable of ever handling betrayal, let alone public ridicule. My father so isolated me, I never confided in a soul.

I did not have anyone I trusted, anyone I would ever share humiliation, shame, loss or weakness with.


I lived life inside my head, alone, since childhood. I was extremely vulnerable and had no clue.

I have paid a heavy price for loving someone. I never trusted a mate again. It was not conscious or cognitive, everytime a girlfriend or wife would go out alone, my bags were packed.

I did not understand why my gut would churn, my nervous system would go to tilt or why I suffered. This always caused conflict and suffering for me.

It was impossible for me to attach in a healthy way. But it felt like failure to be single.

I found it impossible to be close or trust any partner after college. I gave what was available, much of me had shut down without me knowing it.

PTSD was alive but I never knew it.

My cognitive rationalizations now, common sense, can not reach this nightmare. We can not cognitively reach ptsd or change it by talking to it, like many think.

It plays in a venue that thinks its worse than death. Somehow I need to proces this, integrate this, not try to change it.

Hard for an old guy to handle this level of anxiety, humiliation and outright fear, now.

How in the world do you fix this?

I have done the work, journeyed for a decade on the road less traveled and this is what remains.

PTSD does not care, we can suffer till we die.



25 responses to this post.

    Though the merciless inner enemy is unrelenting, you are brave, and strong, and lead the way for others by virtue of your innate, genuine human soul.
    Thank you, Marty. You are loved and treasured.

  2. Wow. I do not know what to do with that

    My self image kind of recoils

    It has a hard time accepting those kind words

    I know my healing has to start with self love

    Hell loving another was impossible because I did not even like myself

    Maturity has cleared up the reasons

  3. We fight a cruel narrator.
    You’re welcome! =)

  4. Any people wonder why we can not just let thoughts go, be strong, move on.

    Why do we think about this so much

    How a therapist would cringe at this attitude

    How do we navigate life

    We hide our abuse and what it has done to us

    Who needs more abuse and humiliation

    More off based judgments

    I can not change my ptsd by talking to it

    No one can

    You can make it worse but not better

  5. Posted by Brian (SearchingForLostSoul) on February 21, 2021 at 8:41 pm

    I don’t remember giving you access to my records. Very similar experience. Healing is possible, just a lot of darn work. And time.

  6. Really

    My therapist says men do not share details like this

    So you grew up with a violent narcissist father

    One sentence for a whole childhood.

    You came out damaged to your core

    Then the only person you ever loved, pinned to, over a year together, had sex with ten guys

    And then they bragged about it on a small college campus

    It ruined two lives. Mine and hers

    She left school. I do not think she ever felt safe again

    I witnessed a nice girl be destroyed in a nite

    I have never come to grips with it


    I buried and repressed it so I could stay alive

    I have been looking for someone who has esperienced this

    I am all ears to see how you handled this

  7. Posted by Brian (SearchingForLostSoul) on February 21, 2021 at 10:45 pm

    How it happened I’m not sure matters, that we’re broken does. Retirement, excess time feeds PTSD. I used work to hide from it. Handled it? You just live it. I use prayer but yea, it will never just go away.

  8. Hhmmm .. you are not old. Hhmmm and therapists are simply the can openers, when we are ready we open and become caring observers of our past. The first therapist may not be equipped to be with you on your full healing journey. Just saying,because my first was simplistic and never “got” ME. Later, I found one who had experienced a lot of similar pain. She understood and could take my hand in the journey to healing and wholeness. Keep being curious and aware Marty. Thank you🙏

  9. In my head I was broken in childhood

    Having my girlfriend gangraped on a small campus is a very important detail in my trauma

    I hoped you had witnessed the aftermath of a life being emotionally destroyed and could share with me

  10. Therapist was correct

    There are no instances where men share embarrassing sexual experiences that I can find

    I find that is true

    I searched everywhere, even reddit

    Men will not share sexually humiliating experiences ever

    It makes them look weak and brings shame from other males

    I am in the hall of fame at that little college and I never went back or ever will

    College is the worst memory of my life

    It haunts still

    I have handle and endured many th7ngs

    I am stuck

    With all my skills and experience

    I am stuck

  11. One of my brothers, at age 12, was sodomized by a neighbor’s – the BOY SCOUT LEADER’s – 19y.o son and our FT mother didn’t press charges or even stop being friends with the parents. He has told the truth of it and was ruined for it. Another committed suicide at 20, I was 24 and had a premonition 23 hours before. The youngest sibling (I was oldest) became a narcissist co-abuser with our mother, who left her entire estate to only him, although he abused her daily. All of us were abused, I was forced to stay in the house for a year, no contact with friends, a slave. I gave up calling police.
    Now I know that this trauma and mind control is intentionally done to destroy people based on their genetics.
    Trauma is a soultrap that is monetized.
    Only understanding that there is indeed a holy war taking place and that what has been made into dogma was in truth a DNA rescue mission can release us from that trap.
    Please excuse me if I scratch a nerve. People are conditioned to react that way, and vaccinated to as well. Research FunVax (made by Bill Gates and in the geoengineering sprays). There has been a campaign against truth – there is ONLY TRUTH – since before we can recall recorded history. We are the ones being fought for. Our saving grace is knowing who we really are: they can’t touch that so long as one refuses the genetic re-engineering shot.
    The trauma – and I have much, so much – is used to put us in pain, the opposite of love. We love, therefore we are. Descartes was a tool: thinking is dangerous. The mind is the devil’s playground and imagination limits our future, which is eternal, through Faith.

  12. *FT nurse mother, I meant to say

  13. When we feel stuck we are at a breakthrough place.

  14. I get where the noise and thoughts that run constantly confuse me

    I do not know which direction I am headed

    People can write books about ptsd

    You have no clue unless you live inside our head for a day

    What it is truly like

    Being called weak

    Man that scalds me

  15. Hi Marty,
    I’m really sad this is happening at this stage for you. Your story with relationships is mine. We are alive. And eventhough I’m going to say all people aren’t the same, we are our own worst enemies by suggestive thoughts.

  16. It’s true

    Self love is what we need

  17. True. It’s a had thing to receive when you’re learning love as an adult.

  18. Posted by Brian (SearchingForLostSoul) on February 22, 2021 at 9:36 pm

    Your right, I’ll never understand your exact situation just like you’ll never understand mine. You should try Twitter if you don’t use it… Lots of folks on there in recovery from PTSD or drug use because of PTSD. Men and women speaking out about their abuse as painful as it is. I’ll keep you in my prayers!

  19. Our stories are different

    We heal the same way and we journey together

    Thanks for your input

    It is good to hear other take action and improve.

  20. (The entire thread of commetns wasn’t loading for me earlier today)
    1st: where we be without some humor, however so dry. Thank you.
    I am sorry you went through what all who I love the most in life have. But yu/we are HERE. We are the better ones. not perps.
    For this we can be grateful and build authentic identities. Age does not matter. HEART DOES.

  21. I was booted from that platform last October for speaking candidly about pedophilia and ritualistic child abuse. Ironically, I was one of the first to use it whenit launched. But all these social media biometric dataharvesting platforms seek to kill us while letting us write our hearts out until it’s damning for them: that is NARCISSIST BEHAVIOR.
    Don’t be the prey.

  22. We heal the same way and we journey together

  23. Posted by rudid96 on February 23, 2021 at 9:06 pm

    Good to see you Mindful Marty. Peace and strength to you.

  24. I’m not attempting to overtly lay blame entirely with parents (etcetera).

    Having said that, however, the trauma of unhindered child abuse/neglect can result in his/her brain improperly developing. If allowed to continue for a prolonged period, it acts as the helpless child’s starting point into an adolescence and (in particular) an adulthood in which its brain uncontrollably releases potentially damaging levels of inflammation-promoting stress hormones and chemicals, even in non-stressful daily routines.

    Society generally treats human procreative rights as though we’ll somehow, in blind anticipation, be innately inclined to sufficiently understand and appropriately nurture our children’s naturally developing minds and needs. I find that mentality — however widely practiced — wrong and needing re-evaluation, however unlikely that will ever happen.

    I often wonder: how many instances have there been wherein immense long-term suffering by children of dysfunctional rearing might have been prevented had the parent(s) received, as high school students, some crucial parenting or child development education by way of mandatory curriculum? After all, dysfunctional and/or abusive parents, for example, may not have had the chance to be anything else due to their lack of such education and their own dysfunctional/abusive rearing as children.

    For decades, I have strongly felt that a psychologically and emotionally sound (as well as a physically healthy) future should be all children’s foremost right—especially considering the very troubled world into which they never asked to enter—and therefore child development science should be learned long before the average person has their first child.

    “It has been said that if child abuse and neglect were to disappear today, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual would shrink to the size of a pamphlet in two generations, and the prisons would empty. Or, as Bernie Siegel, MD, puts it, quite simply, after half a century of practicing medicine, ‘I have become convinced that our number-one public health problem is our childhood’.” (Childhood Disrupted, pg.228)

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