https://pngtree.com/freepng/heart-schematic-human-organs_2102360.html?share=3
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Everyday the online meditation teacher instructs us to open our hearts, open that clenched fist, let the fear, betrayal, worry and doubt come out.
Wow. I find this exercise releases a barrage of chaos for me.
I enjoy hearing others rejoice as they peruse their childhoods and heartfelt experiences.
My experience has a much darker tone. I cringe and my stomach convulses, my heart contains much different data than them.
Trying to accept and eventually surrender to my demons has been emotionally and physically draining.
It hurts reliving my past, what my heart has stored.
Hard to tell which way I am headed in the middle of this.
My intentions are towards healing, facing what has torn my life apart.
It is our unknown.
Will we ever enjoy peace of mind?
I can not answer that, results are not guaranteed.
If this does not work, I will find something else.
We have to learn to accept the suffering abuse causes everyday for us.
I can not be happy now, anticipating how I will be completely healed one day.
Happiness only exists right now, this moment.
So accepting my trauma let’s me enjoy pieces of my life as happy, today.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by The Ascension Diet - Eating To Ascend on February 20, 2021 at 6:32 pm
It hurts to open the heart but must be done to heal. All who do so are the unsung heroes in life. This is all that matters, facing the truth with lies. This is the healing. The pruned tree may not like the process but the fruit it yields shows the profit. Hugs to you, warrior. You help so many ❤
Posted by Marty on February 20, 2021 at 6:34 pm
Oh my diatribes come from times I am struggling
But I have learned to share my weaknesses
My emotions
That is an enormous victory
Just very far from wellbeing
Another thought
I must accept the chaos as part of the journey, not resent it
It hurts but we hurt anyway
I would rather hurt trying to heal
That’s me
Posted by The Ascension Diet - Eating To Ascend on February 20, 2021 at 6:44 pm
I sometimes wonder about that state called wellbeing. It it real at all? What is not surfaced, why no trauma? I haven’t met anyone without some sort of trauma. Once I was called a”sin eater” by a woman who worked in a mental health clinic I worked in as a contract specialist (they did sleep studies, getting clients from the general population, now I know that they induced theta cycled body-snatching for the darkest of demonic underground bases entities, ugh) and I did not like that term one bit. When we who survive begiin to thrive and help others it is the greatest victory of all.
I now see that we do not win a trophy here, or get immediate tempral rewards, but rather we help others BLOOM IN THE CRACKS OF ROCKS, IN DESERTS.
The greatest gift of all is love, and we learn it reparenting ourselves, in touch with our light within.
The perpetrators hate that light because the have no light at all.
Posted by Marty on February 20, 2021 at 6:45 pm
Opening my heart has brought this danger out that I feel.
It feels real
It’s abstract, unknown and definitely unwanted
It is all the fear attached to my abuse
Betrayal does the biggest damage for me
I have times like now, I feel totally separated from people
It’s like I am not part of their world
Their lives have no similarity to mine
Posted by The Ascension Diet - Eating To Ascend on February 20, 2021 at 6:59 pm
Understood. We are not of this world. But we have each other!
Interesting you should post this today, as I have felt same all day long, indeed awoke with it as if my sleep was not sleep but a travelling.
It makes me suspect that this is an orchestrated effort being done to us on a mass population scale aimed to destabilize and worse. That is, after all, what the 5G towers were designed for. It’s published in all the patents, in Google docs, etc. It’s not us, it’s them. We are blessed to still be able to connect here. We are the winners, after all, and first of all, hands down!
Posted by Marty on February 20, 2021 at 9:14 pm
I can not even get outside my abuse to think globally like you
I can not get my head around who ever is in charge of life
Gave me a violent alcoholic narcissist as a father
Then thought I needed to be betrayed publicly in college
That was too much
I broke into pieces
Trust
I can never be in a relationship
I can not handle a mate going out with the girls alone
I will never risk betrayal
Again
It is not worth it
I suffer if I do
No rewards for me
I had no business ever having a girlfriend or wife
I did not know how much of my soul I was risking
I know now
I have paid a heavy price
Posted by The Ascension Diet - Eating To Ascend on February 22, 2021 at 1:08 pm
Globally? Oh wow, no, just have lost everything and see the biggest picture there is, no longer trapped in “Maya”, as the Hindu call this illusory world.
I was raped by my father before age two. Beaten senseless, whipped, till I left home at 18. Denied child support, owed 45K from father of children. Second husband stole all I owned. Medical establishment denied diagnosis and treatment of Lyme and I dealt with Morgellons, lost my family b/c they believe what the “health professionals” said: I had “delusions of parasitosis”. Right. After 30 tick attachments and prsenting with Bull’s eyes.
We are targeted, this is DONE TO US BY PSYCHOPATHS.
We are not the crazy ones, the ones in power are.
Our pain is a badge of courage that we wear knowing we are so precious they want to erase us from memory.
Posted by Marty on February 22, 2021 at 1:15 pm
I am sorry you had to endure these things
Not many understand how the mind works and handles trauma
Our defense mechanism goes on the attack against us
You are a survivor
We do not give ourselves credit
Posted by rudid96 on February 23, 2021 at 9:02 pm
The last 3 lines of your post were very powerful;
“I can not be happy now, anticipating how I will be completely healed one day.”
“Happiness only exists right now, this moment.”
“So accepting my trauma let’s me enjoy pieces of my life as happy, today.”
The therapist that I see is someone that I can financially afford. However, beyond book learning, I don’t believe she really “gets” CPTSD? The ability to be carefree, completely happy, eludes me. Ashamed, I assigned myself labels such as malcontent. Upon reflection, I think that’s simply part of the wounding.
Posted by Marty on February 23, 2021 at 9:24 pm
I think we get to the point where therapies have been exhausted
And we look in the mirror and that guy is the only one that can heal us
My trauma is playing all day long today
It is painful