Opening my Heart: Chaos ensues Quickly! .



Everyday the online meditation teacher instructs us to open our hearts, open that clenched fist, let the fear, betrayal, worry and doubt come out.

Wow. I find this exercise releases a barrage of chaos for me.

I enjoy hearing others rejoice as they peruse their childhoods and heartfelt experiences.

My experience has a much darker tone. I cringe and my stomach convulses, my heart contains much different data than them.

Trying to accept and eventually surrender to my demons has been emotionally and physically draining.

It hurts reliving my past, what my heart has stored.

Hard to tell which way I am headed in the middle of this.

My intentions are towards healing, facing what has torn my life apart.

It is our unknown.

Will we ever enjoy peace of mind?

I can not answer that, results are not guaranteed.

If this does not work, I will find something else.

We have to learn to accept the suffering abuse causes everyday for us.

I can not be happy now, anticipating how I will be completely healed one day.

Happiness only exists right now, this moment.

So accepting my trauma let’s me enjoy pieces of my life as happy, today.



10 responses to this post.

  1. It hurts to open the heart but must be done to heal. All who do so are the unsung heroes in life. This is all that matters, facing the truth with lies. This is the healing. The pruned tree may not like the process but the fruit it yields shows the profit. Hugs to you, warrior. You help so many ❤

  2. Oh my diatribes come from times I am struggling

    But I have learned to share my weaknesses
    My emotions

    That is an enormous victory

    Just very far from wellbeing

    Another thought

    I must accept the chaos as part of the journey, not resent it

    It hurts but we hurt anyway

    I would rather hurt trying to heal

    That’s me

  3. I sometimes wonder about that state called wellbeing. It it real at all? What is not surfaced, why no trauma? I haven’t met anyone without some sort of trauma. Once I was called a”sin eater” by a woman who worked in a mental health clinic I worked in as a contract specialist (they did sleep studies, getting clients from the general population, now I know that they induced theta cycled body-snatching for the darkest of demonic underground bases entities, ugh) and I did not like that term one bit. When we who survive begiin to thrive and help others it is the greatest victory of all.
    I now see that we do not win a trophy here, or get immediate tempral rewards, but rather we help others BLOOM IN THE CRACKS OF ROCKS, IN DESERTS.
    The greatest gift of all is love, and we learn it reparenting ourselves, in touch with our light within.
    The perpetrators hate that light because the have no light at all.

  4. Opening my heart has brought this danger out that I feel.
    It feels real
    It’s abstract, unknown and definitely unwanted
    It is all the fear attached to my abuse
    Betrayal does the biggest damage for me

    I have times like now, I feel totally separated from people

    It’s like I am not part of their world

    Their lives have no similarity to mine

  5. Understood. We are not of this world. But we have each other!
    Interesting you should post this today, as I have felt same all day long, indeed awoke with it as if my sleep was not sleep but a travelling.
    It makes me suspect that this is an orchestrated effort being done to us on a mass population scale aimed to destabilize and worse. That is, after all, what the 5G towers were designed for. It’s published in all the patents, in Google docs, etc. It’s not us, it’s them. We are blessed to still be able to connect here. We are the winners, after all, and first of all, hands down!

  6. I can not even get outside my abuse to think globally like you

    I can not get my head around who ever is in charge of life

    Gave me a violent alcoholic narcissist as a father
    Then thought I needed to be betrayed publicly in college

    That was too much

    I broke into pieces


    I can never be in a relationship

    I can not handle a mate going out with the girls alone

    I will never risk betrayal

    It is not worth it

    I suffer if I do

    No rewards for me

    I had no business ever having a girlfriend or wife

    I did not know how much of my soul I was risking

    I know now

    I have paid a heavy price

  7. Globally? Oh wow, no, just have lost everything and see the biggest picture there is, no longer trapped in “Maya”, as the Hindu call this illusory world.
    I was raped by my father before age two. Beaten senseless, whipped, till I left home at 18. Denied child support, owed 45K from father of children. Second husband stole all I owned. Medical establishment denied diagnosis and treatment of Lyme and I dealt with Morgellons, lost my family b/c they believe what the “health professionals” said: I had “delusions of parasitosis”. Right. After 30 tick attachments and prsenting with Bull’s eyes.
    We are targeted, this is DONE TO US BY PSYCHOPATHS.
    We are not the crazy ones, the ones in power are.
    Our pain is a badge of courage that we wear knowing we are so precious they want to erase us from memory.

  8. I am sorry you had to endure these things

    Not many understand how the mind works and handles trauma

    Our defense mechanism goes on the attack against us

    You are a survivor

    We do not give ourselves credit

  9. Posted by rudid96 on February 23, 2021 at 9:02 pm

    The last 3 lines of your post were very powerful;

    “I can not be happy now, anticipating how I will be completely healed one day.”

    “Happiness only exists right now, this moment.”

    “So accepting my trauma let’s me enjoy pieces of my life as happy, today.”

    The therapist that I see is someone that I can financially afford. However, beyond book learning, I don’t believe she really “gets” CPTSD? The ability to be carefree, completely happy, eludes me. Ashamed, I assigned myself labels such as malcontent. Upon reflection, I think that’s simply part of the wounding.

  10. I think we get to the point where therapies have been exhausted

    And we look in the mirror and that guy is the only one that can heal us

    My trauma is playing all day long today

    It is painful

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: