Friends tell me, i am to hard on myself.

tsemrinpoche.com : My Favourite Cartoons by Gary Larson

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Be easy on yourself, is the refrain that I hear.

My childhood was dominated by a violent narcissist, perfection was demanded, criticism is all he knew.

There were no compliments, encouragements or second chances, I knew I was not good enough, he told me everyday in my youth.

It was like that narcissist could not resist brutalizing that little boy without mercy, without blame.

I never heard my dad apologize to anyone for anything, ever.

What is there but being hard on yourself? I have no experience with anything else.

Conditioned love is abusive for a child. My self worth was determined by performance, no intrinsic value did my father ever recognize inside me.

I was a thing to make him look good to his buddies.

Pro baseball was a meat market, you were only as valuable as your next at bat. Another performance equals value world.

I do not think at 69, feeling great self worth and trust are part of my path.

Will I be disappointed if self worth and trust never materialize, Hell no.

I do not know what I am missing, I never experienced unconditional love and support as a child. Or adult.

Happiness will look different to me.

After 15 intense years of healing practice, this is my reality.

Just having the nightmares, intrusive thoughts and suffering slow down would be a piece of happiness for me right now.

Living with Complex PTSD is something few understand the torturous life, we lead.

My friends, none of them can fathom my thoughts and my daily challenges.

This is a lonely journey.

You have to need very little to survive. I have learned to live inside my room when Trauma takes over without loss.

This quarantine has not impacted me in the slightest, I need very few people around me.

I learned this in childhood, my dad limited friendships, destroyed the ones that threatened his control.

I am the experiment of a violent, alcoholic, narcissist father.

My brain wired without attachment, support or any kindness.

It is my saving grace, I do not miss people, it helps my PTSD symptoms.

A late thought: I can meditate intently and make all this disappear for a while.

Trauma does not always win.

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