We are different, much much different

https://pixabay.com/users/johnhain-352999/

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Recently my landscape has changed, many things have cleared up. I understand my triggers, the cause of my thoughts, the aberrant wiring of my young brain.

The most painful discovery, knowing how much different abused kids in childhood turn out. We are so different, damaged.

In the meditation group I joined online, the thoughts of joy, jubilation, good childhood memories, stunned me.

I get triggered while the group bathes in happy memories and effortless feeling complete, joyful. Of course this is how it seems on the surface listening. We all have struggles but their is a huge difference.

How can they be like they are, good thoughts and feelings from childhood and now. Opportunity surrounds them, it seems they radiate.

My memories are few from childhood through college, only a couple of the most violent and traumatic ones remain.

I been told I need community to help my healing, no thanks.

That would do more damage than help for me, trust was extinguished in college, so being around people triggers me and makes me hyper-vigilant.

Well, these revelations explain why we isolate, fear, avoid and deal with trauma thoughts others have no idea about.

I always wonder how someone else would of faired living my childhood.

We never know how to compare our success or losses from all this abuse. I know we should not compare.

No one around us has a clue.

A few friends know my story, they can not start to know the hurt and pain.

Child abuse makes lonely adults, inside their heads anyway.

Anyone have these kind of thoughts? Please share your battles with PTSD.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by rudid96 on February 3, 2021 at 8:24 pm

    The loss of innocence is something grieved. As I move painstakingly forwards (and sometimes into relapse) I wondered if I just don’t like this cynical, self-care first individual I’m noticing. However, I hearing the words of one valued professional, “adulthood isn’t the time for innocence.” “Adulthood is the time of careful and wisened discernment.” I’ve grown distant and weary from the sadness of recognizing that my childhood “happy times” are NOTHING remotely similar to many of my peers. I was shocked and further alienated from social connections with my peers. I feel like a freak. Returning to that undamaged child (as if there ever was one) isn’t possible. Finding peace in my here and now is my hope.

  2. I can tell you I found happiness for a while

    It did not include big social network in person

    My blog is my social being

    I was happy being alone or with a
    Mate

    I did not need a bunch of peers or friends

    Friends and lovers betrayed me

    I find no joy in being on guard continually when I venture out into the public

    I have my strengths snd strong willed

    I do not consider myself weak or a target

    I know there is something inside that is more powerful than all this

    I will continue to try and hook up to it

    Feeling sorry for myself is not my path

    No there is not an undamaged brain in our childhood

    We r bars wired under duress

    That is abuse

    People do not understand our life

    How real
    This trauma is inside our brain

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