Sometimes I write for me, let me share one

Cognitive Dissonance Redeux – The Greening of Gavin

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Sometimes I write for me, part therapy, part freedom to write my blunt reality and feelings on paper without others to judge.

This recent explosion of repressed, betrayal trauma has brought suffering.

My PTSD brings violent thoughts, extreme humiliation and despair.

It runs like a horror flick when it wants during the day.

Many things activate this movie, watching tv, going to grocery or quiet time is often invaded by heart wrenching violence and unbelievable abuse.

It rocks my soul, numbs my body and freezes me with hopelessness.

I would rather not be me, not be a part of my storyline.

Then my life has to turn back to my breath, focus and letting go skills. My meditation practice has matured and strengthened.

Meditation and giving have been my shining lights in this dark trauma jungle.

I can make all the noise go away for a while, quiet it down.

With a decade of processing trauma behind me, PTSD still takes up large parts of everyday.

Dealing with the movie, then working to unplug the damage takes time.

It also takes a physical and emotional toll.

How do we weave happiness inside our PTSD.

I have done it for periods.

Now a repressed memory has brought the old damage into my present..

The alternative is giving up and being a victim.

I will die before I take that road.

It takes stubbornness and willpower when things seem helpless, the ability to take action in the face of our terror.

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