https://pixabay.com/users/1899441-1899441/
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During our abuse and betrayal most would agree life sucks.
When an event is stored as implicit memory, PTSD is borne inside our right amygdala, while some is hidden in our bodies.
Life will go from imminent danger to a calming period. This is not a pendulum that goes from intense suffering to wild bliss.
Wild bliss is the nightmare of trauma calming down for periods.
The activated parts of life differ in intensity.
I had reached a point where life became enjoyable, healing I thought was complete.
I understood everything about PTSD, then a repressed memory made me a liar.
My posts resemble my journey, some written with a sense of authority and command, others describing the terror trauma brings to my insides.
Facing my trauma head on, researching, helping others, practicing my healing skills, and meditating has shown me the depths of the damage done to me.
The thoughts that cross my path everyday would freak out a normal person.
They would lose their mind if they had my (our) mind.
It is true. I know I do not have thoughts they take for granted.
In the meditation group I joined, Jennifer had us go back into childhood and grab your strongest emotions.
They had euphoric events and opportunity which left them in a space we have never experienced. I wondered what a feeling of joy after a childhood would be like.
I wonder how they would of survived my father, and what would there thoughts be then. Damn sure not joy.
I see how damaged I am when others do things without effort that are impossible for me. I am not giving up or feeling like a victim, I just acknowledge the damage.
My life is so much different than a normal person.
I have to be ok with being different or I suffer.
That is my path.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by Tazzie on February 2, 2021 at 11:07 am
You wrote ‘I had reached a point where life became enjoyable, healing I thought was complete.
I understood everything about PTSD, then a repressed memory made me a liar.’
I do not agree with your description of yourself here Marty. A repressed memory can not make you a liar. It is not something you mislead anyone bye. How can something that is not in your awareness at the point before it breaks out be an untruth. When what you have been sharing, living and working through was your then knowledge base at that time.
I have such huge periods sometimes of years where I have no memories. Yet the more I work and manage my CPTSD and delve into my mind memories and life the things I find that I have made to be unimportant to me but now am finding out are Important to me (The me I want to be not the suppressed/repressed me), are not in my mind lies. They are discoveries. Some are not good some are really not good, and some are but hidden away deep inside protecting us little ones and even as we got older.
I have not lied, how can it be lies when we have lived without this knowledge. When we survived by this management.
I guess if we look at the black and white of what is truth and what is lying it could be seen as that. Yet it is not a deliberate thing we do not lie we just do not remember as the pain, the consequences the momentary joy found fleetingly but taken from us by family are not lies they have been put away so we can survive to the best of our abilities.
So I have issues with your choice of words. Oh dear. Arrgh I feel that a tender point was hit when I read that. So more about me than you perhaps here (are you still missing my thoughts..lol)
I also wonder at your use of ‘normal’ there is no normal person.
Wooah sorry am I being horrible and picking I dont mean to be. I am probably just having a raw nerve of my own being hit.
Though I did nurse a man in an older style psychiatric hospital who when he (along with many others) moved into a private accommodation rental rather than living at the hospital, and he applied for a job. The boss said he needed a certificate to say he was normal of he could not work. So his psychiatrist wrote a certificate to state he was Normal. He carried it around proudly as he could prove he was normal and no one else even the staff could.
You have shared and helped so many people including me. I guess we differ in that I doubt I will ever be not dealing with some new memory that has come forward. One moment in a day or week, month, year, decade. That has been a blank where there was nothing that little chink of memory such as I recently have experienced that sent me backwards, that slammed dunked me into a Toblerone eating gorge of deliciousness and no guilt. Just wanting to push those emotions and memories back inside. Nightmares horrendous, sleep interrupted. It had been so good. I had been going really well. Self medicating phernergon just so I could sleep without the dreams the grinding of teeth or even get off to sleep.
Non of us should ever see ourselves as victims. We are survivalists in the a true sense of the word. You and I are still here and we are strong, its hell at times especially when it bites you so hard and unexpectedly Marty. You have not lost your mind, see how strong you are.
Posted by Marty on February 2, 2021 at 1:26 pm
Thanks for your insight
Good to have you back Tazzie
Well not a liar I agree
But me thinking I understood PTSD and had gained mastery was not accurate
An unknown repressed trauma was hiding below my childhood
It was buried because of the damage it caused
Life is never how I thought it was
I had a monster inside abuse
At 69 after a decade of intensive healing, I still suffer and have to battle old abuse
This is our life
Posted by Tazzie on February 3, 2021 at 2:35 am
It is hard, so much buried sometimes I wonder if digging into it is for the best, Usually when I am dealing with the impact of the new discovery. It is hard to know how we would be without the trauma we experienced. I have two siblings who did not have the lived experience of trauma that I had. Yet they have issues of their own. You are in my thoughts. You are a strong man, because you are here and you are working hard with what has been a shock for you. I do not believe I will really ever know all I have suppressed. I do prefer me dealing with and managing my life history
than how it has been in the past
Posted by Marty on February 3, 2021 at 4:21 pm
Everyone told me it was good a repressed memory exploded
Like I would be so
Much better when it was processed
If we
Meditate
It is an auger and it is going to come up sooner or later
I wish this betrayal did not break lose
Betrayal I have no answer for
I have no action during the betrayal
It is always secretive and horrendous when it surfaces
You can never I ring the bell after the damage is done