Our relationship with PTSD changes over time

Pinterest: Jane Smith

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When my childhood trauma exploded in my mid 50’s, it was terrifying.

PTSD brought great fear and that intense jolt in my chest. My body would freeze, lock up, as my fight or flight mechanism exploded.

My nervous system felt like it flipped upside down. Life had totally changed, a monster was my daily companion.

I flailed about, suffering, avoiding life, consumed and terrified for a couple of years.

Then I found something that could make it stop for a while.

My meditation practice had developed my ability to focus, to stay present without fear.

This was not a quick process. Nothing has ever been easy since trauma exploded.

My first, enormous victory was calming my nervous system.

My fight or flight mechanism stopped firing.

Triggers lost their big threat, no need to avoid anymore.

Life improved, became more enjoyable.

Then a decade later, a repressed memory, a trauma memory exploded.

My fight or flight did not fire, but the rest of PTSD symptoms were alive and well.

For a couple of months, intrusive thoughts haunted me, PTSD had brought suffering again.

That has subsided, calmed down some.

I have learned not to resist or be afraid of what trauma can do to me.

Even if PTSD never leaves me, I do not fear anything about it.

It is not healing but it is not suffering either.

I do not avoid anymore, I accept, I exist in the middle of my trauma.

In time the thoughts will fade, I hope.

My wellbeing (our wellbeing) looks totally different from a normal person.

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