PTSD has a counterintuitive dimension

Pixabay: johnhain
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Trauma, abuse, PTSD has an ironic, counterintuitive dimension for me.

The most influential people in my early life, task with loving and supporting me, did the opposite.

My defense mechanism tasked with protecting me from imminent danger, is now highjacked by trauma and fires whenever it damn well pleases.

The abuse and mechanism of PTSD attacks us inside our supposed safe zone.

Our greatest asset, our mind becomes our greatest enemy.

My mind, the implicit memory part (stored trauma) overrides all other functions when active.

I have learned some hard lessons for myself on this healing journey.

Certain events in my life will never go away and will haunt me in some form until I die.

Full recovery is a pipe dream, life is not even close to that miracle.

I am not pessimistic, more realistic, I continue to fight as hard as ever.

Expecting full recovery makes me suffer more thinking if only I could do this or that, life would be totally free.

I fight for small periods of freedom, letting go as many intrusive thoughts as possible.

When PTSD activates life is different, I go into survival mode, like childhood, it is my most practiced habit.

Wish I could say trusting and loving others is my most practiced habit.

Survival mode has no kindness, love, creativity, safety, socializing or calm.

We search for peace of mind, to feel complete, at ease, not needing to accomplish anything, like we are ok for the first time in our life.

I worked incessantly to be the professional baseball player my dad demanded, thinking this would change me.

After reaching that goal, I found my wellbeing was not connected to achievement.

I have been lost and searching ever since.

How about you?
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2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by rudid96 on December 22, 2020 at 2:23 pm

    I’m finding that if you survive the abuse, it’s residue is far worse than the event(s). You see, that had a beginning & end. However, my mind seldom allows me freedom. My thoughts run amuck. As 2020 draws to a close, there’s much talk of goal setting, fresh starts, new interests. Try as I might, It’s so disappointing to feel that I’m floating through the days aimlessly; purpose, goals, & dreams elude me.
    That’s the real devastation of physical abuse & emotional neglect: to live with the emptiness of soul, the inability to trust, the inability to connect.
    Will 2021 be different? One can only hope?

  2. I hear you

    We battle our asses off some of us, I have given all out effort

    And I am messed up as a soup sandwich

    But I would be so much more miserable if I did not fight like I have

    Hard to find a purpose in a life full of suffering I know

    On my dark days I wonder why I was put on this earth

    I did not have a chance the first 20 years of my life

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