I am two different people

Credit…The Mankato Free Press/Associated Press

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Complex PTSD can cause some to dissociate severely. It is called dissociative identity disorder (multiple personalities or DID).

They have a host, themselves and numerous alters or other people inside their head. Some have 16 alters or other people sharing their headspace.

It is like the internal family therapy system but their inside family is real and have names. These alters can be any sex and age, some dominant, some submissive, some angry and a few frightened to death.

Severe sexual abuse endured as a child usually is the cause.

These alters are real inside their heads. DID sufferers have come to my in person mindfulness group .

If you discount their reality, they will never open up to you. The movie Sybil was about a multiple personality. A few DID people actually follow my blog.

The vast majority of abused kids do not have multiple personalities however we have a big dissociation problem.

PTSD has given me a split personality, a hybrid alter, a guy my regular everyday self does not recognize.

My true self was suppressed during my childhood abuse.

My true nature is a easy going extrovert. At work and on athletic fields I have been charismatic, a leader, a prankster and successful.

My PTSD self, is a depressive introvert. Somewhat hypervigilance and uncomfortable around strangers.

This Marty has parts of his personality stuck in childhood. Anger for example was never used by me. My dad would of hurt me more if I showed him anger.

He has low self worth, worries incessantly and spends enormous energy trying to protect Marty from danger (triggers firing).

Trust and love are strangers, unknown to him, awkward feelings for this Marty.

The extrovert Marty wants social contact, lively discussions and inclusion.

The introverted Marty, avoids people, adopts rigid black and white thinking, and starts to isolate from society.

Safety is such a hidden issue for us. I never understood why certain situations felt dangerous at times.

It’s like looking down an alley sensing danger.

Is it real?

PTSD is the unknown in our life.

Some people have physical issues, cancer, etc.,others are born into a narcissist lair.

We all have challenges, life is harsh.

How many different people do you have inside.

Is your PTSD self the same as the regular you?

I would ask which one of these guys is the real me, or am I both.

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9 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Anonymous on December 16, 2020 at 3:16 pm

    I feel as though I’m reading about myself. One of me is confident and gets things completed and care for many. She operates on auto pilot. The other has very negative thoughts and feelings about herself. Trusts none is very anxious. Sometimes rages comes out of nowhere and takes over. So weird. This has been a on going way of life for ever.

  2. We were hard wired like this

    We had to worry about our safety and did not attach in a healthy way

    You are not alone

    This last trauma erupting for me and now my feeling safe enough to share my real vulnerable thoughts and feelings

    Well it shows me I am not the only one who has these challenges

    Think of us creative a self image some call
    Any ego

    Our ego was formed under abuse and duress

    We will
    Always have issues but being normal or getting approval are the wrong goals
    For improving
    We
    Need internal
    Work not external
    Approval

    Approval
    Can turn to
    Criticism which is external and out of our control

    I have learned but not been able to live to let the need for approval or inclusion go

    We are never going to get to the place of feeling at ease and life
    Just flows

    Well I have not seen much of that

    We have to do the best we can do

    I try
    My best not to judge
    Myself

    I have let
    Many truckloads
    Of guilt go

    I have a mountain left

  3. Your blog is extremely important in this time humanity and earth is facing, and I want to thank you for your being, andbeing here, now, Marty.

    Of all things, when I was twelve (I am 61 now) my mother forced me to read first The Exorcist and then Sybil. I have a short story in the making about this. So following the recent posts has been timely. I thank all of the other readers commenting from their deepest seats of identity as well. Love and healing is here because of those who are present here, silent or commenting. ~Being present~

    Here is a video which I believe will be additive, and I hope it can be posted. “Upgrade your operating system: the ego is a paranoid android”.

    Thank you all.

  4. I have found my blog, which was started for two reasons

    One I desperately needed a hobby that would fill in all the hours I use to spend ruminating

    Idle time scared the hell out of me

    The second was to fill in the gaps I faced on my healing journey

    My journey was long and arduous

    I did not have some one like me to share important skills
    Or light the way ahead

    I tried every therapy my therapist presented with all out effort

    Nothing worked on my childhood trauma

    Finally I walked into a therapy session with a new book

    Acceptance and Commitment therapy
    It used mindfulness

    Meditation

    My therapist actually introduced my to it but I did not recognize it

    Mediation was my anchor

    And then I made a model to make meditation easier

    After that I assembled the core needed to improve

    That model and my core skills has helped heal people on this blog and in my mindfulness group

    Now I find my blog brings me the support and friendships I always yearned for

    You guys/gals fill some of the void inside me

    I belong to this group

    It is who I identify with

    Thank all that have cared about me

    It is a reward I never expected

    I have written this blog with a passion to inform and support

  5. What is here in your blog and work is love in action.

    I see the link as an embedded video above, do you? Here’s the link. I thought this to be 100% reinforcement of all you have observed, shared, and helped others free themselves from trauma through.
    “Upgrade Your Operating System ~ Shunyamurti Satsang Wisdom Teaching”

    I went through two “rounds” of EMDR with “supportive meds and therapy” but came out more wounded. My healing came through seeing the patterns, decoding the history, and becoming relieved though insight on levels I was blinded to when in the trauma trips and in relationship with a narcissist second husband who gaslit me for his profit. My spritual self-realization of who I am (and I was before the cumulative identity fracturing and resultant reverberations and programmed choices of CPTSD) remained inside I got to understand the enemy and begin to exist as who I really am, not the oppressed self who provided the feed for parasitic archons.

    And children should definitely be traught to meditate!

  6. Thank you for sharing

    You have strength and can take action in the face of terror

    I know I am still on that path

    This blog has connected me to the only people who understand me

    I mean my therapist knows me but does not share our experience

    Every person who I have been part of their healing or improving

    There is a special bond we shared

    We are connected

    It is a special bond that I would not have unless I shared my journey

    Gradually I have become confident enough to show the true victim in me that comes out when ptsd explodes

    We heal in increments not sudden miracles.

    Interesting video and yes we are helpless when some of the hard wiring happened

  7. I don’t think one of us is stronger than another. If we are striving to heal and be present, staying conscious, just not allowing ourselves to succomb to the oblivion inside is a huge victory considering the building blocks of self stolen from our early development pieces. Seven years ago when I discovered your blog I was on a 24 hour suicide watch and hadn’t even become ill with the Lyme and Morgellons yet. None of this recovery was fast or dramatic. All increments, much self-loathing, guilt, etc. But I realized who the enemy was and it’s not from us. The breathing track and your insights, the fact that you articulated what I realized I was experiencing gave me a liferope.

    The therapist I went back to in 2013 was one I had originally seen years before beginning in 1990. The first time I met her I had a list of questions, and question #1 was “Can we incorporate spiritual healing into therapy?” because I had been “divorced” from God after getting myself out of a cult age 15-17. She said no, let’s focus on your psychological health and you can deal with the spiritual later. when I returned to her after returning from the nearly year long dissociative fugue and she apologized to me for not allowing me to have the spiritual component in therapy then. To me that is significant, but I only saw her a few months and Marty, your blog and the breathing track and focus exercises and meditation were and are better than anything any therapist ever offered.

    I thought you might appreciate that video. Interesting parallels. Thank you so much, we are not alone.

  8. Thank you for those kind words

    I am humbled and also it helps heal
    Me that I am understood and my words and experience is helping others

    Giving and gratitude are part of a healing journey and wellbeing

  9. Your kindness has made my day

    Helping someone improve is permanent

    It is not a possession
    Something that will ever fade

    I cherish my connections with others on this blog

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