Stuff running round my Head

https://pixabay.com/users/geralt-9301/

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I am having a difficult time. My healing journey, my all out assault over a decade to improve, has vanished for now.

Seems getting older, chronic pain increasing, body deteriorating and an old buried trauma exploding, has kicked my butt.

If you follow this blog, you understand the power of childhood trauma, how irrational and debilitating it can be.

Normal people do not understand anything about complex PTSD.

It is invisible to them, like the wind.

I am amazed normal people can do things without thought that bring pain and suffering into my life. Everyday things, like feeling comfortable around people, having any desire to be social.

I have lost the ability to trust, find it painful to be around strangers now. People have always brought pain into my life, those closest have betrayed me.

It is not a cognitive choice, my nervous system lets me know how awkward and emotionally dangerous it is for me in a small crowd.

Yes, it is irrational, I have no fear physically, terror lies in the risk of more emotional damage.

For me, this is the first time, at age 69, that I finally see my life in totality. All the causes of my behavior and symptoms have been unveiled recently.

I realize, there is no visual record of my life, no family albums or pics of anything on my walls. It’s is extremely weird I did not realize my damaging habits to survive.

I do not have a photo of my dad, mom or sibling, no family album. I did not have or need family as a kid and as an adult I moved across the country to get away from him.

The reason became clear, I have been ashamed of myself, the aftermath of my father. I always avoided the camera, always felt flawed at me core.

My father told me I was worthless everyday of my childhood, I guess subconsciously I believed him.

My life has many trophies, many successes, absent has been the slightest peace of mind or deep joy.

My memories have always been buried or exceptionally cloudy and confusing.

As my daughter told me, you have meditated for a decade to uncover these poisons.

That hit me between the eyes, harsh but oh so, true.

Finally, I apologize for letting a troll upset me the other day and influence me to stop writing for three days.

That is not the message I have shared for over a decade. I am not entitled or fragile.

My blog changed from a positive beacon of hope, to me suffering again.

It took five years for me to share specifics of my abuse. Five years to feel safe enough to share.

It is a very risky and vulnerable space for an abused soul.

Life has been a war for me, different stages of battle as I aged.

Now as an old man, trauma has more power than my deteriorating body can handle, lately.

Will the last few years of my life be filled with suffering also?

How about your journey?

If you have serious childhood trauma, you know life succumbs to its impact during activation.

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6 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Anonymous on December 13, 2020 at 7:46 pm

    I am glad to see you posting again:)
    My journey—a flock of geese flying over. a muddy leaf strewn trail, big strong trees, are my solace and where I find joy and wonder. I am thankful for those moments. I am very surprised and thankful when I have a positive interaction with another human. I will share this poem: https://www.awakin.org/read/view.php?tid=2168. My Work Is Loving the World. Mary Oliver.
    A dear friend had died, and his life was astonishing. But notice, she does not mention people in the poem.
    I am sorry Marty that I am unable to put into words all the thoughts I have when I read what you have written. I will never be ‘normal’. That is sad, but I must be kind to myself and I think that means acknowledging the damage.

  2. Dry deep

    Mary Oliver is the Fav poet of a blog I follow

    I think we have to accept we are not close to normal

    If we desire that suffering will be our companion

    Not being mortal does not mean we can not find happiness

  3. Hey Marty, I’m glad you posted again so soon and didn’t let some troll keep you down in a place you don’t belong.

  4. I may be vulnerable but cowardly is not one of my flaws

    In fact the troll brought out true kindness and support

    I travel with all of you together

  5. No, you certainly are not! 🤗 and I’m glad you have the support rally around you that you deserve.

  6. Ptsd makes us vulnerable at times of all out activation

    I wished healing would be complete and life would have great peace of mind

    Those expectations lead to suffering

    I have judge myself flawed to my core at times when ptsd is active

    Ptsd is embarrassing at times

    My behavior turns from navigating life with calm and acceptance to living traumas nightmare

    People must freak out seeing I am two different people

    A calm person with good perspective to a crazy man off his rocker

    I forgot what it was like

    I had five years of relative calm compared to my low point

    It is easy to give up, avoid and deny
    The hard part is observing and battling traumas damage

    It is not for the faint at heart

    It is why we search for others that understand this terror we face

    Our brains hard wired

    Completely different from a kid who was supported hugged and loved in childhood

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