I do not have to win: I do have to fight with every fiber




Learning how to endure my chronic pain prepared me for my battle with PTSD.

I learned to use my strengths, adapt any solution around them.

Instead of sitting quietly in the middle of 14 other chronic pain patients, my path hit the fork in the road.

I was not going to be a victim and let chronic pain and 25 pills a day take my willpower.

I threw my opioids away and started hiking.

When my childhood trauma (PTSD) exploded, my second big challenge in life, entered my world with violence.

Sitting in the middle of ptsd firing, focused on my breath was a similar journey as chronic pain.

As with chronic pain, I did not avoid it, I brought it out to compete. I used hiking as the vehicle to crack my pain.

For trauma, meditation was my magical sword.

It takes daily action and repetition to heal. You can outwork trauma. You can recite an affirmation every time an intrusive thought gains consciousness.

Thinking did not heal my ptsd or calm my chronic pain.

Thinking is by far, not the power of our mind.

Our cognitive engine, our left hemisphere is a beach ball, in the Pacific Ocean, our creative, expansive right hemisphere.

Healing is far more doing and far less thinking.

I meditated five hours a day for five years.

Doubt and worry were met with increased effort.

I had determined to outwork ptsd.

I do not always win that battle.

But I fight

And the fight is more important than healing, or winning.

Not many understand that last sentence

You have to be there and lived it.



15 responses to this post.

  1. What’s the alternative

  2. Thank you for this. It is so hard some days. Each day one has to find a tiny sliver of yourself to own again.

  3. totally Marty it is the fight that tiniest movement forward or as Tuckle said above tiny sliver of yourself again, I liked that resonated with me. the alternative is that black ness those end thoughts those horrible periods that consume totally. It is so good the fight is there Marty.

  4. It is very hard some days

    We have to find strength inside

    It made me feel all along as a kid snd outcast as an adult

    No one ever understood

    But I have found many souls similar to me sharing on this blog

    This is the one place that I am not an outcast and many understand exactly my suffering

    It is similar to yours

    Our trials we face have the same mechanism

    Ptsd haunts us but we keep going

    Success or well being is not always clear but the instinct to keep battling is where we give all our effort sometimes daily

  5. Action

    That is taking action

    No matter how tiny moves our brain chemically from victim to a

    Person who is making lemonade from the lemons we were born with

    Trauma and ptsd in my life came from others not any of my decisions

    My trauma is not from a wreck or natural disaster

    Mine was abuse at the hands of those closest to me

  6. Posted by rudid96 on December 14, 2020 at 2:44 pm

    Mindful Marty, I understood your last sentence. I live in the same neighborhood. Teensy, tiny, moves. I’m sure as hell hoping they amount to something. I don’t count them for that would send me into self-reflection. Rather I just move, noticing that for now, in this very second, I’m conscious of the air moving in and out of my lungs. Some days, many days, it’s just that unadorned. The hope of finding joy is falling down a rabbit hole from which there’s no escaping. Noticing joy in the present moment is possible. Actively seeking is too elusive and painful.

  7. Life is never crystal clear for us

    I have no clue what trust or live is, what it looks like or how to get it

    My happiness can not be connected to love or trust

    Is that possible

    If not then that describes my life

  8. Posted by rudid96 on December 14, 2020 at 3:17 pm

    I’m curious, I’ve noticed that you’ve mentioned the only trust you have is with your adult child and your grandchildren. How do you navigate your trauma around those 3 people? I find it’s near impossible for others to truly ‘get’ the pain and yet, our fallout can be toxic to blameless souls.

  9. Unconditional love

    I was raised with total,conditioned attachment

    It is my rebellion

    My dad only cared about himself

    My one goal of my life was to be the opposite

    My grandkids will never betray me

    They are safe

    I clash with my daughter

    Her mother was the mirror image of my father

    A. True narcissist

    I feel guilty that I exposed my kids to her

    The father of my grandkids is an abusive narcissistic addict

    For me I am stopping the generational abuse

    My last wife gave me an ultimatum nine years ago

    She told me I needed to choose between her and my daughter not hers.

    After 17 years I packed what could fit in my car and left for Oregon

    I. Value these few relationships more than life

    It is not easy and hard for my daughter and grandkids to see me like this last couple of months

    After all my work I still feel guilty about so much

    I carry so much shame subconsciously that I am just becoming aware of

  10. Posted by Michelle Denness on December 14, 2020 at 9:04 pm

    Sending love and light to you Marty ❤

  11. Thank you

  12. Thank you

  13. Hi Marty, Trust is one of my huge issues, my first real unconditional experience was with my partner. Yet all I ever wanted from my family was to be loved and feel a real part of it. I dont have children and my partners grown up children no longer keep in touch. I would never ever have expected anyone I was with to put me before his children. that makes me so upset for you. I can understand how hard it must be for you and your daughter and grandchildren. Yet the unconditional love you have and vice versa is a strength for you. You have done so well for your daughter and grandchildren.

    I imagine my psychologist would be saying that you have Complex PTSD. Ongoing abuse. Rather than PTSD which is more of a Traumatic incident.. That is a very simplistic way of putting it and I am sure you are aware of it complex PTSD.

    Shame is perfectly normal feeling for anyone who suffers with PTSD or CPTSD. It is a symptom Marty and it is a really shit process to have to work through. You are valued, you need to be very kind to yourself, as you have been to me and many others. What you are dealing with now is part of your illness and the work you have done and shared has certainly helped me.

    If you had diabetes and had a diabetic coma bought on because you forgot to eat, would you beat yourself up about it? Maybe for a bit, but then you would realise that having a life time illness means that you do need to deal with the things that other people do not and the only way to live as best as you can and to live a life you are content with as you want you may have to have more support for a while.

    I value you, and all you are dealing with have dealt with in your management of your illness. You have people who love you and being ashamed or embarrassed and these are my words and I may have got it wrong is not how your daughter and grand children would be seeing you. My feeling and again I may be wrong is that they are concerned about how you are because they love you. They care and are there for you.
    It is OK and normal when we are triggered and need to work through more shit that we did not know we were holding onto to be all over the place. It is symptomatic of the mental illness and not of the person you are Marty. with love Tazzie

  14. Thank you Tazzie

    I have found true support from followers of this blog

    It is a pleasant surprise to have others care about me

    Throughout my life I never had someone to confide in

    Through this blog I have connected and in a way confided in my audience

    It is a big step for me to share my vulnerabilities

    Before my recent outburst of hidden trauma a follower said I made complex PTSD look to easy

    Like my life was smooth

    I mean people thought I was an old guy retired without a care in this world

    Recently I have shown evidence that I am capable of being a true victim

    Helpless and hopeless overtook me fit a while

    I have shed a few truckloads of guilt on my journey and see I have more inside

    It is hard to separate trauma from my brain development

    As a kid our brains hardwired differently

    While other kids development secure attachments in a supportive environment

    Us abused kids did not have basic safety

    Our childhood was filled with criticism and violence

    I was raised in survival mode

    Inside my home I was in danger of my father was present

    So I tried to stay away from my dad as much as possible

    As an extrovert, my natural personality

    My dad suppressed my personality

    So I grew up a quiet almost silent introvert

    I did not speak much

    I hid in fear of abandonment and shame

    I know now this abuse will always be there

    Dormant for the most part

    I hope me sharing my most vulnerable times helps other not be ashamed or not give up

    My fathers abuse

    I should say surviving my dads abuse developed skills other normal kids do not have

    These skills helped me heal the first time

    I have incredible willpower

    My dad told me I was going to be a pro baseball player at five years old

    I can not run fast, jump very high or would you pick me out of a group of kids being anything special

    My willpower and determination were stronger than others skill and ability

    I played six years of pro baseball and I am three hall of fame

    The Town I grew up in, high school and college

    These trophies highlight my willpower but none of those trophies brought any wellbeing

    As a child of a narcissist what I craved most was love or approval

    I have always desired approval and chafing that wasted my life

    There is no happiness in outward approval

    We need attachment not approval

    Thank you again Tazzie

    You are a true friend

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