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10 Dec

My Blog

Posted December 10, 2020 by Marty in Assorted. 16 Comments

I am going to step back from this platform for a while

A friend told me I am unhinged with my trauma now.

Helping others is not worth the risk of having assholes attack me.

16 responses to this post.

Posted by httpgraceisenough on December 10, 2020 at 4:50 pm

Hi Marty,

Thank you for your honesty and bravery in sharing your story and struggle. I understand why you are stepping back from your blog but please keep writing (even if that is only privately). I’ve found writing has helped me hugely and I had to change to name and profile in order to continue.
Our journey through trauma isn’t linear but takes many twists, turns and layers.
I wish you well through your recovery and am rooting for you Xx
Posted by mentalhealth360.uk on December 10, 2020 at 5:41 pm

Hi Marty, I understand your need to step back and hopefully it’s only for a while. Let the haters hate my lovely, it’s what they do and they’re best ignored.

Wishing you all the very best through your recovery and I look forward to seeing you back here when you can.

Caz
Posted by Isidro Buquiron on December 10, 2020 at 5:50 pm

may you find pease, new meaning, and renewed purpose to all those you been through…..All the very best, Marty.
Posted by LovingSummer on December 10, 2020 at 6:26 pm

Forgive me for asking, but it was definitely a true friend that said that to you? It’s just that you sound like it’s affected you negatively, really worry if I’m reading that wrong.
Of course, if you really want to step back because that’s right for you, then great. You have to do what’s in your best interests. But if it’s because you feel attacked and talk about it not being worth it, that makes me think you’re finding it a really negative experience, rather than a considered plan for your well-being. I’m sorry if I’m wrong about that, I won’t be in the slightest bit offended if you tell me I’m way off here!
If you want to step back I wish you well, I really do. I think you’re amazing.
But if you feel pushed into stopping because of the attacks, you’ve got people here who are really glad to have ‘met’ you online, and think your blog is great, and you are too (whether you’re on or off the blog).
So whatever you decide to do, and forever long it is, all the very best wishes for you, and for your continued healing. 🤗
Posted by Marty on December 10, 2020 at 6:46 pm

I am in a bad place

I agree I am unhinged

It was a friend who told me

Thank you for the support

I am lost right now

I have to figure this out

A recent buried trauma has burst open

I am haunted

I am a damaged man

I have to let my resentment and anger for those who have betrayed me go
Posted by LovingSummer on December 10, 2020 at 6:51 pm

Hey, that’s fair play Marty, if that’s how you feel it must be horrible for you and I’m sorry to hear that. I have no doubt you will find your way through this, you’re such a survivor Marty ♥️
Posted by Marty on December 10, 2020 at 6:54 pm

Thank you for your kindness and everyone else for their kind words
Posted by rudid96 on December 11, 2020 at 11:57 pm

I’m very sorry that you’re currently in so much pain. I will miss you. Thank you for all that you’ve given. I sincerely hope you find your way to a safer, more nourishing ground. You are in my thoughts.
Posted by Marty on December 12, 2020 at 2:36 am

Thanks for everybody’s support

I will be back

I am not in a place to handle stuff

My mind is in that confusing space

A new trauma has changed all the reasons I thought impacted my life

For me chikdhood trauma is haunting

Some of it existed before my brain developed

So it is read in a jumbled way

Like a record played at a different speed

Wow now half my audience would go what is a record

I remember eight track tapes

Ptsd is irrational

And is stored under imminent danger and threat of our ego being destroyed

I need
To
Calm things down so I can meditate

If I can accomplish that

I will
Find the crack in this shit

This is a battle and many do not address their trauma like I do

This is war

Like my chronic pain

I named him mr P. And mr Cunningham on happy days

Chronic pain is like the wind invisible but extremely powerful

So I gave my pain human qualities

I called him Mr P.

When I hiked and Mr P. Fired up to the point of making me cry

I would imagine my pain trying to stop my legs from moving

So I turned my music up and found a big base in an eagles song

And connect my legs to that drum
When that drum sounded my legs would
Move

In a
Month my chronic pain started to condense

All
15 people in my chronic pain group feared their pain

I
Took
Mine out and cussed it
Dared it to stop my legs

We
Became very familiar

I they away my opioids and used my own endorphins and medicinal pot

I
Am
Such a big success with physical things

My weakness is betrayal

I have no answer
No response
Nothing I can do to alter the damage betrayal has done to me

We all have strengths and weaknesses

Mine are just very strong with physical things

Then extremely vulnerable to emotional things

Life brings us all challenges

I am not special and I do not feel
Sorry for
Myself

Thanks for all the support

I never have had support or people
Loyal to
Me in my life

This is special for me

Thank you
Guys and gals afain
Posted by Philippe Martin on December 12, 2020 at 3:52 am

Dont do that please. Hi will miss you like I share to you at 26 years old I thruly was trauma for 8 mouth, before going they back home. All That because I was paralyse low down. I did not lies to you. Alot time trauma because my pipe was not Working at all. Many cathéter around 8 to 12 a day because they ask me if it was ok to nursing studen to practice on me but I was sure no catether. Arrond 7 month humiliation all those so prety nurses practicing on me all day long Fuck serions Do you REALY belived I make that shit Up . imagine my littel Bob the Bishop. Humiliation about my si littel pénis Man, you know like I know we are not on a pedestal small and sore probably ref as fuck because they whant me to connect to my urette even sometime 12 a day why they give me at start a course about where and what Do this urette. You truely belived man That I was lieing. Watch that because I was on Toronto and now my english is shity imagine at 26 nothing at all. It’s because that the stupid urette conference on dead bed the sumum of humiliation 2 Man speaking, nice Man you get me, also I need a translatée , she is so Gorgeous right at the fucking START a studen but such beatifull girls came wacht the gadame piss bag to about 3 minutes like all is so cool my Bob the Bishop just joint us 3 minutes ago all are so ambarass not jet. I guess she just shows nothing make her vomit I guess, I swear arrond 7minuts totale of the top of my 26 years old not long ago and now 2 Guy Watching my so nothing red as fuck Dick, with gourgeous girls my age, one she forgot about those 2 men make this sexy urret Dr feeling like a woman’s . The outter playing the professional using me as a Weapons making Them feeling like real big Dick Man. Dr urette conference whant quit That job. Before loving girls to mutch, because every Time she see a pénis she is trowing Up all over the place. No shit this is real. Stay please YOU will make me Guilty about some think we already Forget.
Posted by Philippe Martin on December 12, 2020 at 6:01 am

Sorry Mr it’s not now. I am 46 years old right now This happen in 2000 I was 26 years old. I am suck in english it’s probably that I make I Do not know. I respect you of coars also your choice. I know when I start walk again I just have that to talk about. This is normal the shok we got .you have to go true to understand right sir. The first Time talking to you it was about that. Sharing on this subject, my diagnostic was spontagnous abces spinal cord. I die 3 time at the hospital one Nights. The pain traumstise me still. If one day anytime you feel to talk about your trauma dont Forget I am your Man. Sincères amitiés Philippe Martin
Posted by Marty on December 12, 2020 at 12:45 pm

I know you are sharing

I do not quite understand what you are trying to say but you seem in major duress
Posted by kberman on December 12, 2020 at 6:01 pm

Dear Marty, I feel your pain and confusion. Getting to that inner core of peace takes making it your priority. Remember you can always stop the comments. I like Medium because I can disregard anything anyone else says to me.If this was a personal attack, hate is always about self. I drop a person cold for disrespecting me. These personal attacks are generally jealousy. Why listen? You are the most important person in your life. Don’t forget to look in the mirror and smile. Love, Kathy
Posted by Marty on December 12, 2020 at 6:51 pm

My
Trauma is active right now, alive and emotional and Ptsd is irrational and the danger we discern is not real

I will
Post by next week again

I see the support I have in these responses and thank you for caring

It is sad but the followers in this blog give me more support than my family ever has

What must it be like to be an orphan

I
Think even with a violent narcissistic father

It had to be better than no
Caregivers

Mine was an asshole and abusive but he cared in his sick way

The one skill that helps
Me

I
May whine and complain but I do
Not feel
Sorry for myself
Or consider myself a victim

I
Did
Not have a chance in childhood or early adulthood but I was not a victim
Posted by Tazzie on December 14, 2020 at 9:47 am

What a great idea for you Marty and what a wonderful loving kind friend you have even if you did not think so at the time. You are not a victim non of us are we are survivors, our brains got us through. If families like mine created a lot of my damage, than for me the not having them in my life now, and yes there were some wonderful things being in my family it is not black and white which is why it is so bloody hard hey! You share not whine and complain, but share and it is Not being sorry for oneself but self care. Be kind to your self as you are to all of us. You have been in my thoughts a lot, which is of no help to you. I know. Just knowing that even in this weird cyber world community can be a strong connection. There is no weakness in our illnesses, PTSD and CPTSD are not simple illnesses. We have so many depths and areas that have been protected and when we are faced with a new situation that was in the past and we need to work through it that alone is frightening. My personal belief in my own journey is that as damn hard as it is dealing with issues thta make me unwell end up making me the person I want to be if not today in the near future.
Posted by Marty on December 14, 2020 at 1:12 pm

Thank you for the kind words

Funny my childhood is black and white for me

My fathers violent abuse and constant criticism made childhood, being inside my home dangerous for me

I was in constant danger and nothing good or kind makes it into my memories

Is that distorted

Is my memory wrong

I know when trauma breaks loose

It is extremely powerful

To be stored under immense fear then buried for 50 years

Has had enormous energy of probably my ego feeling he would be destroyed

It is hard at 69 to realize my childhood then horrible betrayal in college destroyed my ability to trust

I never had someone to lean on to confide in

Early trauma hides in our brain development

Not trusting anyone
Not joining any group
Not having any photos of family or me happened subconsciously for me

At 69 this week my lack of trust becomes clear

I have always been a black and white guy

In my whole life if someone betrayed me a casual friend

I was done with them for life

Not trusting means love is a concept I do not know what it looks like or feels like

Fir me love brought the most pain and humiliation in my life

Sad I see feeling close to other humans was never safe but me