Ways that a Narcissistic Parent controls his or her young children


From https://bandbacktogether.com/master-resource-links-2/mental-illness-resources/adult-children-of-narcissistic-parents/

“There are a few ways that a Narcissistic Parent controls his or her young children. These control mechanisms include:

1) Codependent Control: “I need you. I can’t live without you.” This prevents children of Narcissistic Parents from having any autonomy, from living their own lives.

( I had no clue how to live my childhood or life. Little kids are brainwashed by their narcissistic parent using emotional and physical torture.)

2) Guilt-Driven Control: “I’ve given my life for you. I’ve sacrificed it all.” This method of control creates a feeling of obligation in children; that they “owe” their Narcissistic Parents and must behave in a certain way to make their parents happy.

(My mother told me, every breath my father took was for me)

3) Love Withdrawal Control: “You’re worthy of my love ONLY BECAUSE you behave the way I expect you to.” So long as their children are behaving properly, a Narcissistic Parent will be loving. That love disappears the moment a child doesn’t meet expectations.

( My father threatened abandonment. I did not attach to something that threatened to leave me exposed, vulnerable)

4) Goal-Oriented Control: “We have to work together to achieve a goal.” These goals are generally the goals, dreams, and fantasies of a Narcissistic Parent. A Narcissistic Parent lives vicariously through his or her children.

(My father stole my childhood as his way of gaining status in his life, self worth at my expense.)

5) Explicit Control: “Obey me or I’ll punish you.” Children of Narcissistic Parents must do as they’re told or risk shame, guilt, anger, or even physical abuse.

( My beatings were frequent and severe, delivered coldly without concern for my wellbeing. My dad meant to hurt me and scare the shit out of me. Control would be absolute.)

6) Emotional Incest Control: “You’re my one true love, The One, the most important person to me.” An opposite-sex parent makes his or her child fulfill the unmet needs of the Narcissistic Parent.

( My mom was the enabler, her life was better when dad focused on me instead of her)


11 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by rudid96 on February 18, 2021 at 4:05 pm

    Though I know and live with the truth of my childhood, reading in black and white its truth always leaves me with rage and grief. Helpless as a child and impossible to rewrite the history as an adult.

  2. Because these regions are smaller than average, the child will grow into adulthood with a sincere lack of the ability to handle their own emotions, especially those of shame and guilt.

    My emotions and nervous system were always going heywired

    I would actually be physically paralyzed at times

    It could happen anytime in seconds

    Shame and guilt are huge issues for me

    That article describes what I have been through and experienced

    I have told people this in my own words for years

    It’s far more that letting thought go

  3. Both of my parents are narcissistic parents, my mom worse than my dad. My mom stops at no end to try to ruin my life because I won’t live my life in the box she created. She’s even gone so far as to try and alienate my own children from me and to look at her as their mother, thankfully my children didn’t fall for it. It has not been easy into adulthood with all the skills that I lacked due to my parents and their abuse. I’m just so glad that I could break the cycle and be a better mom than mine ever thought of being!

  4. It’s also nice to know that we all aren’t alone in this!

  5. I was going to ask which one was dominate

    No empathy centers and some are vindictive

  6. Yes and we made a choice not to repeat what they did

  7. My mother was the dominate one. I think my dad played it to please her or to get her off his back, not necessarily that he was a narcissist too. He was being abused by her as well. I think I’m the only person in my family that has the guts to stand up to abusers and leave if need be. I really don’t know how I came from those two people, we are so vastly different.

  8. I am the opposite of my father. Thank good ness

  9. You have got to be the change that you would like to see in the world. And it is easier to raise up strong children than repair a broken adult. Two of the few that I try my best to live by everyday!

  10. Inspirational

    You have to survive it then try to repair the damage

  11. Thank goodness! I thank God everyday that I’m not like my mother. I couldn’t fathom treating my kids the same way I was treated.

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