What abused children Become

Pixabay: Soledadsnp

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From Dr. Nicholas Jenner on his onlinetherapist.blog

“I am convinced that codependents come into adulthood seeking the basic connection with others that they failed to find with their parents.

In a process of compulsion repetition, they engage in relationships with people similar to their caregivers, trying to solve the original problem.

In the specific case of codependency, this means controlling the environment and the people in it to gain reassurance and emotional security, mirroring childhood.

As we know, this means sacrifice, martyrdom, victimhood and the main principles of the drama triangle, fixing, anger and self loathing.

Codependents feel they need to be in a relationship to feel secure and once they are, will do all they can to stay in it.

Our logical mind often tells us that we need to make changes in our lives.

This is often overwhelmed by the emotional part of our thinking that holds fear, shame and reminds us how difficult change might be.

This protective thinking is the main reason we become stuck when deciding what to do.

It protects us from our primary fears, not good enough, abandonment, fear of commitment, rejection.

The thinking we listen wants us to stay exactly where we are so we don’t face these fears.”

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My two cents: In early adulthood I was extremely vulnerable.

I stayed after a public betrayal by my first love, first girlfriend in college.

Staying was humiliating publicly and extremely damaging but I was paralyzed like this article says.

Sad, abused kids need to suffer more in adulthood without knowing why or how to fix it.

Oh yes. We have enormous rage and resentment for all abusers in our life.

We battle an invisible monster, a caregivers treachery, for life.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by rudid96 on November 25, 2020 at 2:24 pm

    Mindful Marty, my two cents
    Carrying the rage and resentment for my physical abuser and the now, needy abuser wears heavy on my soul. Society dictates one must operate within the ‘norms.’ Play the correct role. To speak of the abuse ensures shocked silence, embarrassed stares, & quiet shunning. What of this false identity that has masqueraded for the ‘me’ that just wants to fit in.
    To carry the myth of ‘all is well’ shred the soul. My truth is consumed by the inner fires of rage & resentment. My truths live being denied.
    I’m reminded of the play, “The Lady or The Tiger.”
    So while others stuff down turkey, I stuff down rage and tears of the abandoned SELF.

  2. You have my inner rage and resentment

    It is not healthy for us to carry it

    It is an unwelcome traveler

    Look at our mind, it stores the most horrible shit that happens to us in special storage inaccessible consciously

    Our issues have long passed rudid96

    Why do they have such power in our hidden memory

    You know I have spent 10 years of intensive full time effort trying to heal

    Five years with therapy, reading and meditating five hours everyday and this demon keeps arriving with daily suffering

    We, abused children are haunted for the rest of our life

    We can see feel the difference that normal kids do not carry this burden, they trust and seem to be comfortable around people and do not fear betrayal and suffering like we do

    I read on Ptsd discussion board how young girls being raped by dad etc suffer forever

    Life is never safe for them, intimacy with sex has been permanently altered

    Many become prostitutes, drug addicts and worse but none of it was their doing

    Our brains wired differently

    Our childhood was lived in survival mode

    Not supposed to be substituted for a calm safe secure, normal mode others take for granted

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