Pixabay: Myriams-Fotos
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Awareness preempts any change in my humble opinion.
Many habits and patterns go unnoticed right below the surface of consciousness.
Recently, I realized how sensitive or paranoid my behavior has developed.
At all times, in any situation, I am aware of everything around me.
I have always been like this, always knowing where my father was, what mood, what danger existed.
It is second nature to me, my peripheral vision is excellent, I even know what is behind me.
Now I see this as a defense mechanism (PTSD symptoms), where real danger rarely exists.
My behavior has developed from a violent, abusive childhood.
My Survival mode is always activated in some form no matter where I am or what I am doing.
I am not physically afraid, in fact quite the opposite, however emotionally, imminent danger has always been close.
My complete childhood was spent more or less in survival mode.
Spotting imminent danger overwhelmed all other circuits.
Part of it is hereditary, I inherited my mothers nervous system, high strung and anxiety ridden.
When my fight or flight mechanism would fire, it was violent and intense, numbing, almost paralyzing.
Meditation has calmed my nervous system.
Unfortunately now I see my Nervous system does not fire violently, however he is on high alert constantly, spotting danger.
It has been mostly subconscious, nothing overt or any conscious effort.
All this happens automatically without thought or input.
Being able to trust is so important.
How do we trust with only betrayal in our past?
Trust is just something I know nothing about.
How do you start trusting at age 69?
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by Marty on November 22, 2020 at 3:03 pm
When our brains develop, choices are made, how much attention we give our different circuits.
To develop important circuits for socialization and self image we can not be in survival mode.
Digestion is stymied when we are survival mode.
Fine motor skills, the ability to think clearly, ability to regulate our emotions, ability to feel safe disappear when we are in survival mode.
Many normal functions of wellbeing are not developed properly
Survival mode keeps us safe when working properly
When survival mode does not rescind, we become disconnected to our bodies and needs.
It’s like we are a prisoner of war in a bad situation.
We rejoice to be able to survive but this is so destructive for a child
Survival mode is for imminent danger
Not a whole childhood
Realize our brains lack many important things
Let guilt go
We are going to fail at lot
BE hurt by many
Be understood by no one
I isolated from any real trust in any relationship.
My father drove me to be the best baseball player ever.
So in business I always succeeded
Fear of loss drove me
I looked highly successful driven but inside was hollow.
For isolating, I became a salesman
Shy, introverted, I acted like it was a game
Scoreboard and sales numbers
Underneath I was the same hollow Marty
I was not attached to any human alive but I was not lonely
I learned to not need love, intimacy with any partner
After betrayal in college, I practiced my habit of survival
Instead of finding a trustworthy partner I went into survival mode
Keep a shallow relationship. No holding hands
No bugs
No public displays of affection
I was unknowingly protecting from public betrayal ever happening again
I was also missing what life was supposed to be about
Well I can. It change last 50 years
Posted by blmaluso on November 22, 2020 at 3:28 pm
One of the hardest things for me is when loved ones do not understand the daily misery that is being lived through as though it is normal. (Sadly it is my normal) How do you answer when someone says “stop thinking about the past” when so much happens without “thinking” at all? You never know where each minute or experience will lead you…trust in God is what is getting me through day to day.
Posted by Marty on November 22, 2020 at 3:48 pm
Thanks for your input
People who give advice who do not know what Ptsd is or never had ptsd will never know what it’s like
I asked for help from my family
They denied I was abused
On the discussion board for Ptsd some wanted to be treated differently
The world is not adjusting for us
So people are going to minimize and be ignorant to us
A few days ago someone responded that it is better to not think about the past
They have no clue
I have been laughed at while triggered by family
Sad but it is our life
I will tell anyone who says something stupid that they are clueless
I can be volatile if someone wants to mess with my abuse
Haha