Childhood abuse destroys a kids ability to trust others or himself/herself

Pixabay: GregMontani

.

.

How do you trust when one parent is your violent abuser and the other is his enabler?

Conditioned love from your caregivers, places all self-worth and value as a person, on performance (approval) for the dominant abuser. 

I was conditioned to have no intrinsic value except for the achievements my narcissistic parent picked out as valuable.

My narcissistic father demanded I would be twice as good (at baseball) as any other kid in my hometown.

At five I was informed I would be a great professional baseball player or else.

How does a little boy handle such as outrageous demand. Oh yea, I played six years for the Baltimore Orioles.

Now, is my self worth dependent on being twice as Good? 

You better damn well believe it did in that household.

Sad as a little boy, that’s exactly how my father valued me or I was beat violently and portrayed verbally as worthless.

He did not care about anything else, cold, calculated and extremely violent was his demeanor.

Now, at 69, weakened by chronic pain, spinal fusions, and complex PTSD, my abuse overwhelms me.

Once a strong advocate for fighting for every breath, now my spirit is tired of the humiliation I have endured.

My strength is gone, endurance crippled by a serious car wreck, and my chronic pain grows as I age.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I have read enough, meditated enough and healed enough to understand the mountain I faced from birth.

With ten years of intensive healing under my belt, the mountain of trauma inside my brain keeps pouring out.

My expectations: I thought all my effort would heal me.

I did not expect trauma would never stop haunting me, or would be endless until I die.

For me, life has been filled with abuse, betrayal and suffering.

I think I have fought the good fight, my reward is always more trauma to endure.

I am lost in the middle of this recent eruption of old trauma.

It feels like trauma has consumed my existence, stole my life.

.

.

3 responses to this post.

  1. I have to admit, I did not think my whole life would be adversely impacted, torn apart by my original caregivers

    While hiking yesterday
    I screamed at my dead father, hoped I run into him in heaven or hell as an adult

    I have to admit I crave revenge of all my abusers

    How do others handle their childhood abuse

    One therapist told me my dad was a 12 on a scale of one to ten

    On my grave he said they will write

    “Never good enough”

    I was shocked as a twenty something

  2. Posted by michaeldepth on November 21, 2020 at 10:37 pm

    Hi Marty,

    I realize that your life is one of great suffering. And being a victim of childhood abuse I know this suffering.

    I can’t know where you will go with this suffering. I hope it is to a place of peace. But I do know that your life has great meaning. Your suffering, the great knowledge that you have acquired and your honesty are very important to many people.

    Your blog is a great beacon of light to people like myself. And it also helps many others who live with or know trauma victims. You have come here to help.

    Michael

  3. Thank you for your kind words

    Hard for me to accept I was a victim

    But by all that I have read, as kids we are helpless and a victim

    Your suffering, the great knowledge that you have acquired and your honesty are very important to many people.

    I have gratitude for this and I wonder when suffering will ever turn into wellbeing

    And that great worth, oh I wish that was my self image

    I have never felt that

    I am just having a rough couple of months

    Your words and others are appreciated

    It helps and it is nice to know my words help others

    Thank you again

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: