Navigating a traumatized existence

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Stating the obvious, we were innocent, helpless kids without the mental or physical abilities to escape or protect ourselves.

For me, healing looks totally different than a normal person.

Everyone talks about how connecting and trusting, having healthy social relationships are part of healing and wellbeing.

I did the opposite. Socially, trusting people was never going to happen except for an inner circle of a few.

For me, isolating from most people, stabilized my nervous system, so I could heal.

I never trusted people, never.

People betraying me, did so much damage after my childhood, I became a loner.

Finding a way to be happy without many attachments was difficult, but the alternative of a loved one betraying me was never an option after college.

I stayed alive, did not commit suicide, got up and created a private world for myself.

I am alive, I survived extreme abuse as a confused, little boy.

Terror followed me, nightmares, sweats, stomach aches, vomiting, anxiety and fear ensued.

Now, when all this explodes life goes back to feeling imminent danger is near, it exists deep inside my memories.

I can not make sense of my life and all the suffering.

Was I born to be a sufferer?

How should I endure a life filled with suffering.

Where is the worth in my life, keeps nagging me for answers

Abused kids can not escape the damage.

Any insight?

Note: I am not advocating isolating, except from your abusers, even if it is a parent until after you improve.

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5 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Kelly Aarnes on November 20, 2020 at 5:02 pm

    When reading this I feel connected. I have recently started pushing people away I trust none not even myself. Mabe I to need to isolate to heal as well. Thank you for being here.

  2. I do not recommend isolating except from ur abusers

    We do not have the skills to pick trustworthy people

    Especially a mate

    Part of complex Ptsd childhood abuse we lack attachments

    We can not read people and our boundaries are invisible

    The best thing to do is get help as quickly as possible

    Unfortunately abused kids are not aware of how damaged or lacking social skills they are

  3. Posted by Anonymous on November 20, 2020 at 5:34 pm

    2 more recent gut punches from people I was thinking were friends. I am allowing myself to isolate, maybe that is how to heal. On the photo with all the wires going in? I am disconnecting a lot of them. Still pretty scary to isolate, but trying to build relationships surely has not worked. I thank you from very deep in my heart for sharing . these issues. I am rambling, better stop:)

  4. Well it takes being as calm as possible to heal

    Being around an abuser will sabotage us

    Fir me isolating sort of work

    I lived life had relationships but all were shallow as I was incapable of trusting or feared being betrayed

    Right now it sounds like choosing a partner near impossible

    How could you know this person is trustworthy

    I picked untrustworthy mates
    And got crushed

    Like trusting was not the issue in the long run but childhood ptsd is never rational

    I am not advocating isolating but it happens on its own

    Avoidance is a powerful symptom

    Basically it is isolating from future triggers

    Trying not to be hurt anymore

    I ran a mindfulness group

    In person

    That space was safe for me for seven years

    Then an alcoholic imploded it by his manipulation

    I have to say when someone messes with my space like he did, I become angry

    I went after him verbally and challenged him physically

    People just do not know the consequences of their manipulations normal people accept I guess

  5. My family mutually kind of agreed to disown each other.

    I asked for help when my trauma exploded

    They said no one here is admitting to our dead dad abused me

    I had come down with a case of sever childhood ptsd by accident t

    I caught it off the toilet seat

    I guess

    Not hard to isolate when your mother lies to your face and tells you a man who crafted a big paddle he drilled holes in to hurt more
    Never touched me

    I did not talk to my mother got over a decade

    Easier to isolate when your family disowns you

    Yes a parent can lie do more harm

    It makes you question how a family can act like this

    So my
    Mother the enabler for my abuser my dad
    Denies any abuse ever happened when my sister asked her why we got beat every week for not being able to eat Lima beans

    How do you trust when your abusers are you parents and family

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