PTSD is the biggest thief in the universe

https://pixabay.com/users/ken_lecoq-5288289/

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If you follow this blog, my decade long healing journey, triumphs and losses have been shared. I healed twice in that decade, great joy and accomplishment filled my being for a while.

Underneath my supposed healing, I felt PTSD still had power. Then four months ago the final piece of hidden trauma from college exploded. The most humiliating betrayal of my life.

It feels like my whole life has erupted into trauma and suffering again.

My childhood abuse changed the way my (your) brain wired. Our nervous systems became super sensitive to danger.

Our worry circuit was overdeveloped, danger was always close.

Instead of pursuing pleasure, we spend our time on point, protecting our being from attack.

Our mental resources focus to much in survival mode, which shuts down enjoyment and security (normal life).

We never really feel safe, feel like we are worthy or deserving. We are different than other kids.

My father isolated me more, severing my attachments at school.

The ACE study details how abusive childhoods will have more suffering, addiction, mental disorders, cancer, alcoholism, prostitution and suicide.

Birth is the ultimate lottery, some win big, others are severely abused.

Personally, being the target of daily criticism and violence, created a negative self image.

How do you spin a self who feels worthy out of constant criticism from your dominant first caregiver.

My life feels like it has been mostly pain and suffering to the point I have huge resentment Now.

In the middle of PTSD, life is bleak and irrational.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Anonymous on October 31, 2020 at 4:23 pm

    Marty,
    I am relieved to see your post today, 10/31/2020. I want you to know that you have helped me so much by sharing your journey. I never feel safe, worthy or deserving, and then, I get mad at myself for feeling that way.
    The most current help, Neuro Dharma-Rick Hanson. The triggers just keep coming, and you have given me more tools to get back to this Moment. I just wanted to say thank you.

  2. Thank you for your gratitude

    I am having a rough time at life right now

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