Understanding why I have been a loner

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Trying to heal has given me insight into the causes of my suffering. In childhood my naricsstic father tried to control every attachment.

Actually, he controlled every aspect of my life, trying to fulfill his desire of me playing professional baseball.

Any friend or acquaintance had to meet his standards, then their influence over me would be limited or cut off by good old dad.

Assessment: This week it dawned on me that I did not attach to either parent or anyone else beyond a shallow friendship.

My father would severe any relationship that he thought diluted his control. The natural desire to connect with others was cut off for me many times.

After you tell a couple of guys you can not be their friend anymore, word gets around. Oh, having a girlfriend was out of the question around my father, he owned me.

This means my social network lacked connections and attachment was unfamiliar to me. Social emotions lacked experience in my consciousness while athletic willpower and strength dominated my development.

When my first real attachment in college betrayed me, I had no one to confide in.

This week is the first time I became aware of this. I guess it was normal facing life alone for me.

I did not feel loss, I never experienced love, or kindness in my childhood. Criticism and fear dominated my existence.

Trusting someone was a foreign emotion for me.

Being a loner was so natural for me, in fact I never felt safe around people.

I did not know why, now I do.

It will be a massive undertaking rewiring 69 years of life.

With meditation and years of healing, my empathy center is open, I am a giver at my core.

For a loner, I ran a mindfulness group. Somehow that was a safe space while around people.

A triumph in my life, I have helped others heal in spite of my suffering and fears.

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5 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by rudid96 on October 24, 2020 at 4:43 pm

    Indeed, you have, and are continuing to help others heal as you continue your quest to heal your own wounds. Just listened to an interview of Dan Siegel. His work points to hope and that the brain in it’s flexibility can heal at whatever age. Thinking of you Mindful Marty.

  2. Thank you

    We journey together

    I would ask if some of us were set up for suffering

    If you review the ACE study, abused kids suffered more cancer, early death, addiction, depression, prostitution suicide etc.

    My mind did not have a chance to develop normally with a narcissist abusing me daily.

    Now, I see that little boy had parts of his brain underdeveloped, the constant criticism tarnished my self worth.

    How do you get a healthy dose of self esteem with a critical father

    You do not

    I have so much to repair, I see my life so much clearer now.

  3. I saw this post in reader and had to give it a read. I’m so sorry you went through such a painful childhood, Marty. My heart goes out to you. I also battled C PTSD because of being severely bullied. Know that you’re among friends here. And that the best is yet to come for you! Wishing you many, many blessings!

  4. Thank you

    It is a battle

  5. You’re very welcome. 🙂

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