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Trauma has narrowed my life, helped develop these intense fears of ever being vulnerable again.
I lacked any healthy attachment to either parent, instead I received criticism and coldness.
My dominant emotion besides fear, was hating my dad with a passion while he terrorized me.
In college, my girlfriend snuck away with a guy and ended up gangraped at a frat house. It was betrayal then a horrendous assault on a young, innocent 19 year old.
We were humiliated publicly, they bragged about pulling a train on her.
This event changed me, brought nightmares, suicidal thoughts and despair. I wanted to leave college that day, run away.
The rest of college was a battle zone. Animosity boiled over, Fights became part of college for me. I hated those bastards. Still do to this day.
I would rather die than experience this again.
I saw her young life destroyed and that traumatized me more. She ate and went to class in same room with them until she transferred.
Cheryl never felt safe again, never would be that innocent, free spirit.
The opportunity of college turned into a scary nightmare she would carry the rest of her life.
Sex was an act now, only a cold act, the gal I loved was assaulted by 10 guys and demeaned publicly. Sex changed, it never had emotion attached to it again.
I could never endure being vulnerable to a woman ever again.
I broke.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by Marty on September 24, 2020 at 2:32 pm
I would give that diploma back, if this event would never of happened
Since this has resurfaced two months ago, I want nothing to do with it, I do not want this to be part of me.
I can not repair of fix this, I am helpless
This haunts me now that is had resurfaced, I get my 20 year olds panic and rage emotions constantly running through me now.
College was horrific for me, never went back, even when elected to their hall of fame
They can have their damn trophy, I lost a big part of me at that school.
I did not trust anyone after this incident
Posted by Tazzie on September 25, 2020 at 12:02 pm
What reasonable responses Marty,
Thank You for sharing such heart wrenching traumatic episode/s! I can read and feel in your words that you are not OK. It is not just the male ego it is pretty much human ego for anyone of us with PTSD or CPTSD.
You are not helpless, you really know that. You are NOT. IS it time Marty, to begin to accept it is part of your life experience. Since it is.
No you can do nothing to alter any of it. That is also not your fault. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT.
The tragedy of such horrendous things such as the gang raping of your girlfriend is that you have been it seems to me left alone dealing with it as a young man. With so much happening about him and all the shit that was bearing down on you and your girlfriend.
Your dear brain attempted to save you the best way our brains can. As hard as it is , we are still here and the management strategy of the time saved your life. We either deal with the traumas that come up. Perhaps sharing this may be a step in the right direction Marty. You are dealing with it. The feelings are real and they are out there again.
We can not carry the consequences of anyone else’s choices no matter what our feeling is. You as her boy friend, probably received no support, and then the feelings that went along with it all anger, rage, frustration, anger, grief, anger, rage, grief, helplessness. I can not imagine the college being very open or dealing with any of it appropriately. I expect you were alone, and no way to cope.
You are not that 20 year old now. You did all you could at the time,(YES YOU DID) and for those times. They were so different in so many ways to know and I am not justifying any of what occurred.
I know they keep on impacting us, until as you know we can find the key to release us somehow from the things we are somehow not dealing with. The hardest thing I have done was to forgive all parties involved in my own traumas. NOT FOR THEM. They do not know that I have forgiven them. Nor do they ever need too. This is not a 10 step program, It was totally selfish, it was only FOR ME. It really helped me let go of my anger. I am not saying this is what is right for you necessarily Marty. Maybe forgiving yourself is a thought too. Male ego and all that.
You have taken on her trauma too Marty. You can not do that. Her choices were hers alone. You have to forgive yourself and her.
You are naming the feelings and why you have issues of trust, yet you completed collage as incredibly horrendous and hard that must have been and been on the ‘hall of fame’, you should be proud you succeeded under such a heavy burden.
I am sitting here wondering if I should share something in my life that impacted a male colleague more then me the victim. Since I have started I will. I was working in a hospital and was attacked stabbed in my shoulder(not badly) I ended up on the ground and it was fortunate that the knife was only a bread and butter knife, as even this went through my jumper and shirt and drew blood. The attendant was on the other side of the room, and I dont know how he cleared three tables to get my attacker so quickly and save me. I was sent to the hospital for full check up, I was given leave, supported with counselling, therapy and massages, I was off work for 3 months fully paid.
Working shift work it was not unusual to not see the same attendant for a period of time. When I had not I questioned where he was. I was told he had transferred.
A couple of years later I was shopping and ran into him. He remembered me and called out to me. He was so happy to see me. He had been so concerned for my welfare and well being he said, and he had felt so guilty for not being able to protect me, save me, stop the attacker. He had tears in his eyes.
I looked at him, and assured him I was fine. No problems as I had help. I asked him what help he had after the episode. (We are talking over 20 years ago) he said none. He went home and no one talked to him, no one contacted him, he did not get out of bed the next day. He ended up quitting. He go no support at all. Perhaps he did not know he could have, or maybe his union did not cover it, but I am fairly sure he would have at least been offered counseling if he had asked. He should not have had to ask, and hope fully today he would not have to.
I share this only because, I had been able to move on from the attack yes I would occasionally have a flash back, and some anxiety for a while. I was not scarred by it that I am aware of it (it may have some part of my CPStD I do not know). He on the other hand years later was still dealing with it all. You are in my thoughts Marty. blessings Tazzie
Posted by Marty on September 25, 2020 at 12:37 pm
Thank you for your kind words
I did not have support or seek it out, I tried to isolate
I know none of this is my fault, the lies to cover it up added to the betrayal
I have tried to contact her four times and now am blocked
Forgiving those who violently gangraped the first girl I loved
I wish them pain and suffering and wish I could be the one to deliver it
I have my own trauma from this event
I lost the most precious thing in my life
Destroyed demeaned and publicly humiliated
Worst thing that ever happened to me
I have nightmares every night
It has taken over my life
My childhood abuse combined with this has knocked me down
Posted by Marty on September 25, 2020 at 5:52 pm
Very wise words
I have my own trauma from this event
Never been humiliated like this
Never been betrayed and lied to like this
I have plenty of trauma for me in this
But your words are wisdom
Had nightmares and thoughts of suicide
Posted by Msdedeng on September 25, 2020 at 5:54 pm
Jesus Christ!
I don’t know what to say to you, except that I am truly sorry for your experience. What a horror for that poor girl. What cruelty lies in these people?
Posted by Marty on September 25, 2020 at 6:35 pm
Happens so often by fraternities in campus
And sometimes by sports teams at big colleges
Sending your daughter to a college where gangrape is a 1000 times more likely without punishment is problematic for me
Never go into a frat house alone
Never drink from open container
Never get behind closed doors
Some colleges report over 10% of coeds say they were raped
When will this stop
Life’s are ruined
I laughed when people say it’s a privilege to go to college
I as poor earned a scholarship and college turned into a nightmare for her and me
That piece of paper had an enormous price tag on it
One I would gladly trade to change this nightmare
Posted by Tazzie on September 25, 2020 at 9:18 pm
Hi Marty I am so sorry if my response made you feel I was insensitive yourtrauma and feelings. I can only imagine how impossible it must have been. I meant nothing to detract from your own feelings and trauma from this horrendous situation. Betrayal and lies, are really hard to move through as is humiliation. Those I understand in my own experience,s nothing like yours.
How do you normally work through when this comes back into your consciousness.
I am concerned about You, the nightmares and suicidal thought. Are you really OK?
Is there anyone you can seek for support.
You are in my thoughts and heart You are not alone.
Thinking of suicide is one thing, but are you making any plans? If you are please please seek help ASAP. I know that is almost impossible, and you are independent. I wish I could be there for You in person.
You have obviously strategies that you have used Marty what tell me about them and are you using them?
The pain you are feeling is real, you have lived through it Marty do you meditate, are you exercising eating healthily, showering, self care. It can be so bloody hard. this may sound a bit out there the things that make you smile, laugh, that you love, like, enjoy eating (me its sponge cake with fresh cream and passionfruit icing), walking in the park or beach.
You are a survivor, and as bad as this was and its on going impact for you is you do trust you shared here.
Reach into your reservoir of management tools Marty. What has helped you in the past with nightmares?
Mindfulness and being thankful.. when i was unwell these seemed so pitiful to me, yet now I practice them and the difference in my life by such simple thinking. Not easy when you are in a dark place. You are safe Marty. You are cared about and you are not alone.
Posted by Marty on September 25, 2020 at 9:47 pm
Oh no worries
No never thinking about harming myself
I hike five times a week
Meditate everyday
Eat healthy
Now Ptsd is alive
Intrusive thoughts arrive at a furious pace
That’s normal
You were not insensitive
You do not have to be on eggshells around me
Right now this is two months old since it erupted
I appreciate your concern
You give great advice
Thanks
Posted by Tazzie on September 25, 2020 at 9:58 pm
Marty focus on today, the things you need to do. All you are sharing is so true, and getting your thoughts and feelings out there is a positive in many ways. Are you fixating, focusing all your energy on this horrendous situation.
You are grieving Marty. the losses you have had your feelings of anger rage, frustration and wanting to connect with the woman involved are all part of the grief.
Your description of the combination of this and your child hood yep I can see why you were knocked down. You chose if you stay there. Yep harsh words said with love.
As to forgiving the bastards who gang raped your girlfriend, as I said it is more about you then them. (Forgiveness in my mind is not a religious thing. ) Who are you hurting with the anger and rage. Certainly not the people who did this. it would seem to me you are only causing self harm with it or impacting those about you be they human or animal. my pets certainly pick up my emotions especially anger. When I forgave the people who hurt me (family the guy who attacked me the woman who attacked me) I was saying to myself I am fed up with having all this hurt and anger inside me the rage and yes feelings of humiliation eating me from inside, making me a person I did not want to be. It took me a long time but a weight lifted off me.
I have not forgotten what happened to me, I do not condone the things that were done to me, I dont want any relationship with any of the perpetrators, I don’t want to reconcile and I certainly do not believe their actions were OK.
All that happened to your girlfriend and to You were wrong Marty, More than that criminal.
How though is holding onto the pain helping you today? Your anger is justified and the arse holes do not deserve your forgiveness I do understand that Logic, again How is that feeling and emotion impacting you right now? what are you not doing today that you would have been if your mind and body was not holding all the feelings you are understandably going through right now? You had to work hard to get to college and these frat boys may have not had too winning having parents wealthy enough to pay for them. I would resent them and hate them so much too for what they did to your girlfriend, to you and to that first love. All the what ifs. Then these frat boys destroyed your girlfriend changed her completely and you were destroyed and changed too. Yes hold on to the anger rage frustration and all the negative (understandable) feelings emotions you have it seems nothing has changed over the years. Except you have a life, you have things you value and love. YOu have grown and learnt tools to help you and you share and help others. (me for instance) you have all the right to sink fall down into the hole.
You do and you can I certainly do not want that for you Marty. You cant trade anything to change the nightmare. None of us can. The piece of paper has had an enormous price tag on it, how long are you willing to keep paying it? The emotional cost seems to be huge at the moment.
in my thoughts and heart
Posted by Msdedeng on September 25, 2020 at 10:28 pm
My gosh, Marty, your pain is almost tangible, and I can’t tell you how your post made me feel so repulsed and angry today. It’s very wrong and disturbing, and obviously has to change somehow. There have be severe consequences for the culprits and enablers. Sickens me to the pits of my stomach. Again, I am utterly sorry for your ordeal.
Posted by Marty on September 25, 2020 at 10:32 pm
As I said this just surfaced do it is like new
I never thought about this and did not know it existed until two months ago when it exploded
I am letting go all day long
A movie, short and violent runs at the tiniest connection with the exterior world
Can not watch movies about love
And things working out
I feel danger
My dream of college and love
Was destroyed replaced by anxiety fear and humiliation
I did nothing
Made no decisions , did not cheat or betray anyone but that did not matter
Paying a heavy price for another’s behavior would never happen to me in a relationship again
I am grieving the consequences of never sharing intimacies again
I was cold, aloof and troubled after college
I never knew this was the reason until this surfaced
A lot of years to grieve the loss
Betrayal trauma seems more powerful than my childhood trauma
A one night event has had a lifetime of consequences for me
Posted by Marty on September 25, 2020 at 10:36 pm
Thank you
It pours out of me
U are bombarded with intrusive thoughts and I experience the moment like it is real, the emotions that are stored are real and scary
Sharing my thoughts without much filter is a little freeing
If some think I am nuts
They do not understand Ptsd
You have to face and suffer not avoid or deny
Posted by Msdedeng on September 26, 2020 at 1:58 am
Judging you would be the most insensitive thing to do. I am glad speaking out relieves you even a little.
Take good care of your self.
Posted by Marty on September 26, 2020 at 2:38 am
Thank you very much
I never had any support when this happened
Your first love should not be gangraped
Just think of all the things she missed so some drunken assholes could bond
I could castrate every one of them
Just saying
Hard for this to resurface now and bring that fear and humiliation back into my life
All my dreams as a young man ended one night
You can not unring the bell
Her reputation was destroyed
Her security well how would you feel with half a fraternity jumping in top of you cheering each other for demeaning you publicly
You sure do not want to be a public person
A tv anchor or anything where people will talk
Posted by Tazzie on September 27, 2020 at 6:32 am
wow I was reading this and what a positive step you have mentioned.
“I was cold, aloof, and troubled after collage. I never knew this was the reason until this surfaced.
As hard as that sort of thing is for me at least I have found when I can tie in the behaviour to the reason is like an AHHHA moment.
A step forwrad that connection Marty.
As you most likely know there is no time limit on grief responses.
Each situation and each persons experience of loss is vastly unique. And if you did not understand the reasons it is hard to move through the process. Of grieving and being able to process what the loss is and impact on the individual and what to do with the pain. Emotonal and loss Pain is often seen as anger rage frustration in me.
Betrayal Trauma I feel it is involved greatly in Childhood trauma too. Betrayal at any deep level is a huge thing. Childhood trauma is usually about betrayal. So each time betrayal happens it is sort of like another branch in our brain building another wall to keep the emotions feelings frozen.
Who knows why or what caused the wall to breach in your mind and this all too come tumbling out. We just have to not let the wall go back up. As hard as it is to work through and let go. If the wall blocks it again, the whallop will be worse. It is OK for what ever emotions are happening in regard to this. (as long as you and others are safe).
Is there anyone you can see to receive some support and or a safe place to work through this grief of never sharing intimacies,.
You also used the words Dream of college was My dream of college and love
were destroyed….
Dreams are not realitiy, and as hard as it is to hear Marty, you succeeded, you lived through it all somehow. It was not the Dream, it was full of numbness, humiliation pain hurt, and all the other emotions that you were dealing with or not dealing wiht. You were only 20. So much to deal with without the gang rape and betrayals. You can not do over those years. all you can do is work to become the person you want to be now. Be you. just as you are right now. Sounds to me like you are not cold or aloof or troubled as you were after college now. What have you been doing over the weekend to nurture and self love your self Marty?
In my thoughts and heart
Posted by Marty on September 27, 2020 at 1:23 pm
You are a blessing
I recognized immediately how special your journey overcoming trauma had been.
Funny I thought I was encouraging and giving you compliments to help you on your journey.
And look now.
Giving is a boomerang and your compassion and wisdom are more than I ever received from my first caregivers.
Yes this last two plus months have been shocking first
I have a hard time believing my girl was gangraped
That this horrendous act could not of happened
But the nightmare did and I buried this complete
I have no clue how I lived my life without this being a conscious memory
How did I bury this so deep for so long
PTSD enters life when it feels damn ready and leaves only with a tremendous effort by us.
I never knew why I did not hold hands or hug or trust or why people staring at me while eating became my trigger
It was college cafeteria as the frat guys used to stare at me, I guess to shame me more
They gave me the gift of hate
In my world what do ten guys get from raping a defenseless 19 year old they go to class and eat in same cafeteria
What I left out was this was a small college in Ohio only 1200 students
We all knew each other
When I graduated she transferred
She was not going back alone even though she belonged to best sorority on campus
I am in the hall of fame there for baseball but I refused to go back to get my trophy
I was also in the hall of shame at that college
I wonder if those assholes had daughters and their wives are what
They demean assault and try to destroy a woman
Now they marry one
My therapist told me those guys receive as much damage as her in the long run
I do not believe that
But karma is a bitch and hope they suffered
Not very good for a meditator but punishment for this event was warranted
Thank you Tazzie
Posted by Tazzie on October 2, 2020 at 9:48 am
Marty, punishment is a necessity in many situations such as this. You will not hear any argument from me in this regard.
Yet it feels to me you are the one being punished now. It is what we do to ourselves us that are more empathetic, than others, who see the world very differently.
I believe in Karma, yet, I also believe in the power of forgiveness for me to heal. (not religiious as I said before) 19 such a fragile and turbulent roller coaster of emotions and egos along with being free at college first love and loss, destruction and loneliness. Lost angry and confronted constantly by seeing these bastards just living life. NO it is not right and I can not comprehend how hard it must have been I can see why its impacted you so greatly.
I can not explain or have any reason why anyone rapes, anyone. Why assault and demeaning bullying and yes sadly if they were not punished (which beggers belief for me) they will have just gone on and lived their lives. Leaving you and perhaps the woman involved struggling.
Some of these guys may suffer and others may not. I dont agree with your therapist either.
Too many narccissistic types about and self centred out there. I have major trust issues..(just saying).
Are you angry because they were not punished? Resonable reaction for that at the time.
You have been in my thoughts and I have hoped you have been able to keep from sliding downwards.
Thank you for your kind words. means a lot 🙂
Posted by Marty on October 2, 2020 at 2:17 pm
I have stopped sliding
Takes me a while when a trauma explodes
My ptsd and nervous system react violently
My fight or flight mechanisms. Paralyzes my solar plexus with a violent jolt
I have calmed all that and now
Have accepted it in its entirety
The battle of wills has started
My enemy is thinking about this
It will get no attention..
I have integrated much of this and now it is a battle of wills
I am a grinder and when I do recognize what I need to do