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Childhood abuse changes the development of the young mind.
Instead of normal caregiver attachments and supportive growth, an abused child has to focus on survival.
My adolescent brain feared my father, dominated my thoughts exclusively. Every action or situation throughout my childhood, I tried to not piss off my father.
While regular life was a blur, my mind focused entirely on the lethal threat my dad posed for my young, damaged ego.
When PTSD erupted at 55, my mind gave all focus to these intrusive thoughts. PTSD was more 24/7 than a trigger here and another tomorrow.
I guess it became a habit from my earliest memories.
Life seems to stop for me, trauma takes over, having only trauma thoughts in my consciousness, minute by minute.
How does PTSD enter your consciousness?
Is it there in the background, is it dormant then explodes or does it dominate your existence? Please share.
I know my friends think my total absorption into trauma is not normal.
People who have not suffered serious PTSD have no clue what terror this mental disorder causes.
How does PTSD impact your thoughts and minute by minute existence?
My childhood trauma dominated thought before it was integrated.
I knew my father well, had a whole childhood to understand his methods.
After my childhood was integrated, I thought healing was complete.
Last week a new trauma appeared hidden by my childhood trauma.
This new trauma did not involve my father and happened when I was 19.
This trauma is different than my dads abuse, involves a woman, betrayal and public humiliation in front of my peers.
Our childhood abuse renders us vulnerable to others abuse.
We have a difficult time with trust, relationships and have no idea how to pick a mate we can trust.
Love is a word we have no concept what it is.
When we are betrayed, it reinforces our childhood abuse, our perceived unworthiness. Betrayal arrives like emotional death, it destroys what little trust we could muster.
Our mates have no idea the extreme damage their behavior can cause us. Some do not care and for us a tragic selection we will pay a heavy toll.
My friends see my life and behavior through their normal childhood eyes.
They have no clue the atrocities I have endured and the fear that I live with or they would never talk or act like they do.
I have lost friends because of the harshness and insensitivity of their words. That is not past tense, I lost a dear friend this week because of their actions towards me.
They will never know how deeply they harm us.
At 68 my abuse still takes a toll.
They do damage as they condescend and belittle my PTSD.
Have you ever caused someone to get PTSD, or traumatized a mate.
Better check your behavior to your PTSD friends if you care for them.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by Marty on July 6, 2020 at 2:34 pm
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It saddens me some of my female friends fail to see the damage done by former girlfriend.
They do not understand childhood PTSD, how this abuse makes us vulnerable to their actions.
My trauma and suffering was not important to them, my abuser’s (female) wellbeing somehow was much more concerning.
My father devalued me like this. My suffering did not matter, my dads wellbeing was all that mattered.
Now history repeats itself as I lose a few female friends.
I have helped rape victims heal, been sensitive and supportive as they trusted me.
I would never say things to them that some of my female friends have said to me last week.
As a male, I am to ashamed to share my humiation with another man.
It was a mistake to share it with my female friends.
Posted by Anonymous on July 7, 2020 at 10:47 am
I feel you., but insensitive remarks from other people towards PTSD experience may be coming from a severely restricted view of what human experiences are so from that I choose not to be offended……because when we are hurt some more by those comments we could be just turning in circles and not taking a way out. Words are cheap and easy to say but I believe this too is important for healing.
Kind of agree with the comment “All of our pain, love and courage count equally”.
Posted by Marty on July 7, 2020 at 11:06 am
When we are in the midst of trauma exploding our minds are in survival mode
I agree what others say maybe harsh or misguided but superficial
If words from others detour us enough, we will never heal
Thanks for your insight