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Yesterday, I meditated five hours total in one hour increments. A past Trauma popped up with all its emotional terror, being trapped inside my body.
Trauma is stored at the time it occurs and with the ability at that age. My 19 year old self is much different than this 68 year old self.
The power, the intensity, the sheer anger and hurt shocked me.
All my skills had not stopped this trauma from taking over for a week.
Yesterday during my meditative sets, I brought the event to the surface, then observed all the fear, shame, anger and confusion without reaction.
I learned this as titration, you bring your trauma up for a couple minutes of thought, then meditate. The goal is to settle the nervous system back to normal.
Yes, I triggered myself, so I could integrate the fear. It is the road less travelled for sure.
That’s how healing happened originally. Triggers always caused me to avoid until I realized healing goes directly through the center of our fear (trauma).
The goal is not to squash the danger, it is to do nothing, accept and surrender from a distance.
This process integrates the stored trauma from the body and amygdala.
It is a very simple process, however it takes a strong ability to focus and courage to face our fears.
As long as our trauma has these strong negative emotions to reinforce its storyline, we lose.
For a couple of days, I was a victim, experiencing the tragedy in its full power.
It takes me a while for the mind to grapple with the demon.
Today, my system has absorbed most of the stored trauma, settled closer to my normal existence. I have separation of my 19 year old ego and my 68 year old ego again.
I forgot the intensity, the confusion and the outright terror PTSD wields when aroused. It’s been five years since anything like this has happened.
What seemed overwhelming last week, has shrunk to very unpleasant.
Settling the nervous system makes PTSD much easier to handle.
Thoughts?
Writing a few post with me suffering with PTSD, was difficult sharing the last couple of days. I knew everyone would be watching to see how I would handle it.
Do I just talk the talk or walk the walk. I have an added responsibility to not feel sorry for myself or be a victim. That actually adds to my motivation to never give in, never give up.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by Marty on June 30, 2020 at 3:39 pm
If you have experienced serious PTSD fear, terror, anger and confusion you know how unsettling and vulnerable we feel.
Trust is difficult because for me, my parents betrayed me, gave only conditioned love and treated me worse when I did not perform to their expectations
I have no idea what love is except for my kids and grandkids.
Even healed I have enormous trust issues.
When people say everything will turn out alright, abused kids do not believe that
Childhood did not turn out alright for us.
Posted by Linda on June 30, 2020 at 4:02 pm
Awesome report!
Posted by isidrobuquiron7876 on June 30, 2020 at 6:37 pm
the process you just described is most certainly the road less traveled…thank you for showing the way.
Posted by Marty on June 30, 2020 at 6:40 pm
Isidro and I have zoomed once, me sharing these tools visually with feedback
Next time we will meditate
He has shortened the length of his meditation sits to build stronger focus.
If this goes well, I have been thinking of having a zoom group once a week from viewers wanting to heal
Posted by Anonymous on June 30, 2020 at 11:29 pm
You did a lot of hard work yesterday. Were you able,to face everything you were experiencing head-on and let it go?
Posted by Marty on July 1, 2020 at 3:01 am
Who knows what every thing is
I surrendered to the fear, I focused on my breath and body sensations
I have many hours of practice like this to heal the first time