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Trauma feels dangerous when it explodes.
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The last two posts have detailed how fear and shame add strength and confusion to our symptoms.
To heal, we must face these past traumas that have ruined our life.
For me, it was an entire childhood raised in violence and criticism.
My abuse occurred before my brain developed.
My abuse was intertwined with the development of the mind.
We heal by observing our trauma when it explodes or the intrusive thoughts start rolling.
Integration happens when we stay present, accepting and then surrendering to what terrifies us.
I thought mine was over but an incident burning beneath my childhood resurfaced.
When trauma surfaces, it arrives at the age it occurred.
This happened when I was 19, in college.
The intensity and rage connected to this memory depresses me.
This is unresolved and stronger than my childhood trauma.
My traumatized 19 year old needs comforted and the ability to feel self worth return.
He needs to know it is long over and it is safe now.
The shame connected to this trauma destroyed my ability to trust for 50 years.
I have found the source of the betrayal, always running well hidden below what I thought was the worst culprit, my childhood.
Hard to separate my 19 year old ego from present day 68 year old Marty.
Our trauma fears resemble our greatest terror we can imagine.
Now, my fight or flight mechanism stays calm, saving me untold suffering.
What is left are the intense shameful emotions, thoughts, judgments and the desire for revenge.
That is the 19 year old who is stuck, suffering all this time.
It is a burden I hid so deep, it has stayed buried 50 years.
Our work is never done.
This is not an easy life.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by rudid96 on June 25, 2020 at 3:28 pm
Thank you for this share Mindful Marty. I didn’t realize that the age in which the trauma occurred is where the ego is stuck. What about multiple traumas? Does that mean one is stuck at various ages?
Posted by Marty on June 25, 2020 at 3:34 pm
Each trauma is stored In Our right amygdala as implicit memory along with trauma stored inside our bodies.
My body body trauma left last.
So my childhood trauma occurred beginning at early age, 5,6,7, it is fuzzy
My childhood trauma has few specifics and they are not nice.
This big betrayal happened at 19
It feels totally different. For the first time I was adult enough to be angry
It is hard to imagine how others could be so cruel to us, giving our childhoods
I was the opposite of my father, I always cared about those suffering around me. Hurting anyone on purpose was unheard of. We know pain and abuse.
Posted by Linda on June 25, 2020 at 3:35 pm
Old trauma like this comes up with strength with vehemence. Suddenly, we are back in the past reliving the old horror. It can feel at times even worse then the original experience. But this comes up only as opportunity. Opportunity to face this trauma with years of developed skills and wisdom that were not available to us in early years. We are offered an opportunity to be kind to ourselves, to forgive ourselves, and let go of the victim role. We can learn self reliance find our inner strength. Find a gift of inner strength and resilience the world or anyone else can not give us. All though it can seem incomprehensible at the time…out of darkness can come light.
Hang in there, friend!
Posted by Marty on June 25, 2020 at 3:43 pm
This is a nightmare I want no part of, strong enough to engage my ego in spite of the resources and focus I have built.
As you say, I experienced this betrayal, now as a mature guy and it is shameful what a gal did to me.
I am working my way separating the Egos and then going below the hurt.
My ego at 19 and now have hate for a few people
Feeling the rage of my young powerful 19 year old stunned me
How a memory a trauma contain this power and emotion 50 years later is beyond surprising.
We can it control others harming us, making us a victim but we have a choice now
Continue being a victim or try to improve
Posted by isidrobuquiron7876 on June 25, 2020 at 4:12 pm
I hear you….your statements are very much familiar to some if not most of us here. May we find strength and encouragement from each one’s experiences.
Posted by Marty on June 25, 2020 at 4:47 pm
This has been difficult, betrayal is hard to share.
It’s like my trauma at 19 has taken over part of my sanity
Posted by Vikalluf on June 27, 2020 at 5:06 am
Hello! Where is admin? we need to talk. Please contact me. Thank you.
Posted by Marty on June 27, 2020 at 5:45 am
And how am I supposed to contact u
You are anonymous , your avatar has no return
Posted by Julie Krupp on June 28, 2020 at 2:14 pm
This one hits home for me on so many levels, great share.
Posted by Marty on June 28, 2020 at 2:16 pm
I am surprised with how many identify with this dark post
For me it is the worst and the visual is running on its own at different times of the day.
Being brave I have initiated contact with her and asked for an explanation
Posted by jeffssong on August 8, 2020 at 9:53 pm
This probably doesn’t help a bit, and you probably know it, but . . .
When you are ready your mind dumps a bit of new crap leftover. The assumption (I think!) is that you are now ready to deal with “it” (whatever ‘it’ it is).
I know ‘we’, my other selves, often do this to me. “They” cook up something, some ‘plan’ in the background, then “Boom!” – there it is. But I’m not left in the dark. ‘They’ give me the resources to heal, I just usually don’t know it at the time.
What I’ve learned is to explore, go along with the process sometimes. After all, you can’t tackle an issue until you tackle it. (sorry to say) And yes, I know it is hard hard to do.
Posted by Marty on August 9, 2020 at 12:21 am
I believe our inner guide if we listen will bring things up when the time is right
Posted by tuckle on January 9, 2021 at 7:48 pm
It is a hard life