Pixabay
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My blog has always been very positive. Lately some have questioned how I have made this journey seem easy. This is a post to share the challenges I faced.
I was read poetry in therapy sessions when I was triggered and my nervous system extremely upset. I would sit shaking from trauma while my therapist read Louis Hayes.
This was not even a good distraction skill. During my journey, one intuitive would ignite my trauma, having me visualize my little Marty’s, 5,7,9,12 year olds sitting around a big table with my father, my abuser.
I always departed far more terrified than when I arrived. When we start our healing path we are naive, clueless. The time wasted searching for a way out, cost me five years of my life.
This did damage because no integration was happening. I was paying for someone to supervise me dissociating into my trauma, triggering intense fear without the skill to integrate. Wish I had those wasted ducketts back.
My complex PTSD deepened, intensified as my daily suffering grew. I was lost and being sabotaged by the professionals.
This ended with a severe case of agoraphobia, locked in a dark garage, more terrified than any other time in my life. My professional help took me to a place where my mind was frozen, my body would shake for hours as an unknown fear, worse than death haunted me.
Haunted me!!!!!
My reprieve was my abuser demanded perfection on a baseball field and that taught me skills of persistence, a never give up attitude, and courage. I was isolated my whole childhood by a controlling narcissist.
Narcissist isolate you for total control. Healing, going it alone with books did not feel strange for me. My fathers abuse created the skills I needed to heal. Ironic, no?
I believe my healing would have taken maybe six months not five years with what I know now. The benefit was the experience I gained along the way. This blog was created to fill in the voids I faced.
I turned to books, books on therapy, books on neuroscience, books on war-time PTSD, books on survivor personalities and books on meditation.
I read, practiced and applied with an aggressive type intensity. This was not drastic for me. I was a pro athlete, comfortable with all out effort in the off season, over six month periods.
This type of aggressive intensity meant accepting and surrendering, actually doing nothing to fight back. It was extremely scary and brought the most vulnerable feelings of my life.
Funny thing being vulnerable, humble in the face of this terror started to heal me.
I resorted back to my strengths and proceeded to attack PTSD like a competitive athlete would. Somehow I knew intuitively healing was an internal battle.
Healing like this has given me a command, an insight into this process.
I dug out of a deep hole following my intuitive guide, a very organic journey.
The external world did not change a bit.
Life is much better, not easy or free from traumas eruptions from time to time.
Perfection does not exist in our lives, challenges will always greet us.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by chickenlittle2017 on February 2, 2018 at 4:13 pm
DVT
One of your best!
Posted by Laurie on February 2, 2018 at 4:42 pm
You have opened up so much. I feel like you are healing by opening up an sharing you own experiences throughout your journey. Thank you Marty!
Posted by teddythedogtalks on February 2, 2018 at 8:40 pm
Thank you for sharing your story. Your resilience is admirable. I appreciate your positive posts.
Posted by Marty on February 2, 2018 at 9:03 pm
My resilience was different than ever before.
Strength was shown by accepting, being vulnerable and staying present.
A different kind of battle of war.
Being vulnerable, accepting, surrendering was not easy for me.
Admirable, thank you but that never entered my mind
At my lowest, I decided to never give up trying, no matter if I shook everyday.
Incredible stubborn and contentious is how I viewed my suffering.
Giving up was losing. My fisher would win
My father was not going to win this battle
We all have to face our own abuse and do whatever it takes.
Posted by Healing Grief on February 2, 2018 at 9:35 pm
You are a wonderful example of a wounded healer Marty. Your story and courage will help many 🌈
Posted by Marty on February 2, 2018 at 10:08 pm
Therapists are not the only fountain of wisdom and direction
Therapists go to school for pschology not mindfulness
Meditating for extended periods is far different than reading a book or taking a class
I have worked myself
Out of that hole and that counts
My path I have walked not read about
Posted by Val Boyko on February 2, 2018 at 10:48 pm
Thank you for this Marty 💕
Posted by teddythedogtalks on February 3, 2018 at 7:12 am
My brother told me he looked up to me and admired my ability to get up after I get knocked down.
Some people don’t face it.
Some people drink it.
Some people drug it.
Not everyone faces it.
Those who face it and help others to do the same are indeed admirable.
You are admirable and brave.
Posted by Marty on February 3, 2018 at 12:56 pm
Thanks healing grief, Val, teddy, Laurie and dar.
“You are admirable and brave”
I did not feel admirable or brave on my journey. I have refused to share specifics until recently. Hopefully this is a further sign of deepening and healing.
I was fighting for my emotional and physical life. It was so difficult to accept and then surrender to my unworthiness, my need for approval, my need to do more because I was so flawed.
The battle was not to change anything, not to push away, not to resist, not to manipulate, and not to avoid, but to stay present, to not judge, to accept, to surrender to my fear.
This took hours practicing and more hours meditating.
I did not have a person like me with the focus skill and direction. I was read poetry, that is not a direction. I suffered and wandered through most therapies but that struggle educated me to do this.
Every person who has tried my model and direction has improved and quickly.
Does not matter if it is on the phone, in texts .emails or on this blog, it happens.
Thanks everyone for your responses and support
Posted by Marty on February 3, 2018 at 1:19 pm
Takes leather balls to play rugby
Healing does not happen for some of us without great fear, and great courage
Posted by smilecalm on February 3, 2018 at 5:04 pm
thanks for reflecting on the work
and making it real 🙂