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At 67 I have finally found a calling that interests me.
My childhood abuse stole my life for decades. So much time was spent avoiding, denying, trying to make sense of PTSD’s symptoms.
I felt unworthy, flawed, shamed. I hid by overworking, trying to accomplish things that would give me status, worth.
That external search was misguided and uneventful, the real search was an internal one.
PTSD distorted my sense of myself , hid my strengths in plain sight, covered them in a cloudy anxiety blanket.
I think childhood abuse hides our true nature from ourselves. I had no clue who I was.
When I healed my therapist said your fathers abuse hid your true identity, an extrovert. My life was lived as an introvert until I was in my 50’s. I was quiet, easily shamed or embarrassed in a public setting.
All my emotions were aimed towards the bias of PTSD, making me a stranger to myself.
How could a shamed little boy, beaten and criticized, think he could be normal.
Now at 67, I have the desire to be a healer, a therapist.
First time in my life I know what I want to be.
Better late than never and I can find gratitude in my journey, not regret.
Life is not easy for any of us, challenges are given to every one of us.
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PTSD - A Way Out.com 
Posted by marandarussell on August 4, 2019 at 2:58 pm
I’m going through the same thing. I’m only 36, so probably aren’t as far along in my healing, but I’m trying.
Posted by Marty on August 4, 2019 at 3:54 pm
You are aware at 36 and can change the trajectory.
As I mature and heal, things have cleared up and I see how trauma sort of highjacked my mind and life
I did not know what happiness was or how to attain it
I avoided my triggers, distracted myself while always on the run, moving away from my fears.
I guess the trade off is the satisfaction of healing after five decades of being lost and suffering
Thank you for your input and good luck in your journey
Posted by mick8535 on August 4, 2019 at 7:44 pm
Marty, I replied to your latest (awesome) post, but I can’t get my head around whether or not is “took” or posted. Impossible to tell. Can I assume it doesn’t go live until you approve or moderate the comment? Help me out here. Mick
>
Posted by Marty on August 4, 2019 at 8:15 pm
I guess it did not
Please resend
Posted by Karen Lang on August 4, 2019 at 11:46 pm
Never too late to find your true calling and passion in life Marty! Well done 👏
Posted by Marty on August 5, 2019 at 12:30 am
We do our best then relax
Posted by mick8535 on August 5, 2019 at 4:01 am
Your post completely inspires me, Marty. I want to share with you my story (hope it’s not too long), which in many ways is very similar to what you describe.
I left home at 18-years-old to get away from my family and the town I was miserable living in, as there was nothing there for me but bad memories and disconnection. I moved 400 miles away and went to a 2-year graphic design school that I was not very committed to attending. I had no real plan or goal, it was just the best excuse I had to leave home and go somewhere else. As I am not a quitter, of course, I pushed through the two years and successfully graduated – but did nothing with the degree.
Many odd jobs later later, I discovered a job that I thought was perfect: I became a bicycle messenger and lived the wildest and craziest lifestyle for about 15 years. I had as much sex as I could get, did as many drugs as I could find, and never looked back. 100% carefree life. I had finally found my thing, or so I thought. Actually, I had just distracted myself really well. Looking back, I realize I wasn’t happier, just free of constraints.
Truly I am lucky I never caught a nasty STD, became addicted to hard drugs, or landed in behind bars.
When I was 40-years-old, I truly fell in love for the first time with a woman for whom education and having goals in life were primary values. For the first time ever, someone was willing to assist me in creating a “real life” for myself. She said, “Mick, you are smart and talented, have you ever thought of going to college and creating a meaningful career?”
One thing led to another and we were married the same week I started college. I graduated cum laude from my undergrad and went right into one of the top ten graduate schools of social work in the United States! I graduated with the goal of becoming a therapist, which I did well for 8 years, working with children and their families, committed to empowering children to being able to grow up free of the limitations that their screwed-up families can impose upon them.
My stand has been to work to ensure children can become adults who are fulfilled, who contribute to society, and are able to express their abilities fully.
To back up some, the many years I was “a wild and crazy mother***er, I worked hard at trying to fix what I perceived as my broken-ness, to alleviate my shame, to prove that I WAS worthy, etc, etc. But it never worked. I still was always aware I was tragically flawed, no matter what I did.
For me, the turning point in my life having meaning was when I dedicated myself to working on behalf of others, not for me, but to help my fellow humans. At this stage in my career as a social worker, I have recently shifted from being a therapist, to being a Service Coordinator (formerly called a Case Manager), where I ensure that children and their families identify and have access to the services and supports they need. As that is a critical part of recovery and strength in life – being able to get the right help.
I love my job, I love my wife, and I am learning to love my life. Still have much work to do to still my demons related to the emotional terror my mother caused me as a child, but I can truly see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it is getting closer all the time.
Marty, you don’t know how important your blog has been to this process.
Thank you again!
Mick
Posted by Marty on August 5, 2019 at 4:10 am
Incredible story
Our paths take crazy turns but it how we finish
Thank you for your gratitude and keep healing
Posted by Don't Lose Hope on November 3, 2019 at 2:40 am
Yes, trauma can leave us with a completely wrong view of ourselves. It can also cause us to repress key parts of our personality. I’m so glad you have found your true self and are able to share your experience here 🙂
Posted by Marty on November 3, 2019 at 2:51 am
We are
On this journey together
Posted by LovingSummer on December 19, 2019 at 8:39 pm
‘I felt unworthy, flawed, shamed. I hid by overworking, trying to accomplish things that would give me status, worth’
I really get this – thanks for typing it out. And now I’m not just working through the realisation that, not only is this is a good description of my history, I’m also tasked with trying to get my head around how to deal with the loss of said status and worth through getting MS. I thought I’d made myself more valuable through all my accomplishments/status. Argh! MS has stripped me of my cover and I have nowhere else to hide. Good thing I’ve started therapy!
Posted by Marty on December 19, 2019 at 9:21 pm
Awareness always happens first
Mindfulness Meditation helped me heal along with therapy
I ran into Acceptance and commitment therapy and it used mindfulness
I just took meditation do a whole different level
We heal by daily action over extended periods of time
Months at least
Access what strengths you have left
Get a plan
Have a good attitude
Then give all out effort
There is peace and happiness inside the pursuit