My childhood was extremely violent: life was a battleground




Today I felt that old familiar total helplessness. Cortisol and adrenaline released in small quantities, but that feeling a huge man was about to beat my ass violently, gripped me.

The level of violence my dad perpetrated on me was intense. A specially made paddle with holes was hand made at the cabinet shop.

He was proud of his creation, he was a narcissist, I was his pawn.

Once a week at dinner, Lima beans were served. When my gag reflex would not let me ingest them, I puked, then got beat until he got tired.

Once a week.

Imagine if I did something wrong, his level of violence and rage escalated. Emotionally, constant criticism was his preferred vehicle of conversation.

After all my healing, all my meditating and practice, that demon still lives in my nervous system.

Childhood trauma leaves scars, some last the rest of our life.

My choice is obvious, avoid and isolate or accept, let go and be present.

It is always a simple solution to yesterday’s problems.

External stimulus either controls our mind or we focus and direct our attention to this moment.

My practice has not eliminated the damage but made it possible to enjoy life and experience happiness.

At every breath we have a choice, give in to judgment or stay present, focused and alive.



2 responses to this post.

  1. I’m so sorry. What you went through is horrifying. What kind of a sadistic monster would regularly beat and humiliate his own child? I grew up in the 70s. Spanking was normal. I got it with a belt from my mom. But rarely. When I had my own child, there was no debate about it. My child would not be spanked. Ever. I also didn’t believe in letting him “cry it out”. Friends and family gave me a hard time! Well guess what? A study just came out saying to let a baby cry it out causes psychological damage. And I’m sure the general consensus now is that spanking is child abuse.

  2. At no time in life do we like being best, ridiculed or shamed

    Thank you for

    Please understand I share this to show it is my past, not my present

    The lottery of birth is not fair

    Think what being a kid without parents is like

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