Pixabay: mohamed_hassan
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Life holds many confusing pieces for me. Thrust into the spotlight at an early , life was more than overwhelming.
In sports my father (coach) corrected (criticized) every play, every at bat, the rest of the world recognized my talent. I was shy, introverted, physically and emotionally abused.
This fear manifested strongest in public speaking. I could play in front of 30,000 but found it impossible to talk to more than a couple at a time.
Public speaking was my greatest fear, being embarrassed in public seemed worse that death. Somehow that could harm me more than death.
Was this fear of my “Ego” being executed, destroyed?
In the midst of this mess, I now run a mindfulness group open to the public. Somehow, I can compartmentalized this situation as safe or something.
Facing my fears has not been easy, but public speaking still remains the greatest fear. My fight or flight mechanism would fire under these circumstances.
Hard to speak when adrenaline and cortisol have flooded your nervous system. Panic impacts the voice and further escalates the terror.
When I built my focus and learned to integrate my childhood trauma, I went searching for all my trigger situations except one.
Public Speaking!
To this day, the thought of being thrust in front of a crowd terrifies me.
Should I feel weak or feel great loss?
Well for me, happiness does not need to have a thrilling public speaker under my belt.
Happiness is not a skill fortunately.
Would being a dynamic public speaker bring happiness for me?
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PTSD - A Way Out 
Posted by powerfulbeautifulwise on October 3, 2019 at 3:20 pm
Yet, here you are as a blogger reaching a wide network. Maybe you found your own way to be a successful public speaker.
Posted by Marty on October 3, 2019 at 3:32 pm
Thank you for the insight.
I hated English in college, so I majored in chemistry. Now writing is a daily pleasure.
I envy those who can command a crowd. On many teams I was a captain, not a vocal speech type, more lead by example type.
In the past not being able to perform well damaged my self worth. My father criticized me for not doing better at banquets and events.
Now I admit there are many things I a, not good at, like everyone else.
We all have strengths and weaknesses.
Acceptance has been much easier as I let go and enjoy my goodness.
Amazing I have shared this sensitive characteristic so openly.
It has been locked away
In my dreams I could,present my model and,practice to an audience
That dream is enjoyable and ends well😎
Posted by Vic on October 3, 2019 at 6:13 pm
Being great, or just good, at everything is not a predicate for happiness. We find our niches which bring us the in-the-moment, and hopefully good memories, happiness and calm we seek.
Strangely, i found I can speak in public, but feel incompetent in my more personal conversations as I do not feel well-versed on popular topics like sports, or remember things such as movies i have seen or events. Plus, my tinnitus prevents my hearing what people say. Maybe why I transgress to humor.
As a child, i could neither speak in public or private. I’m not sure how i overcame public speaking, or even joking with strangers. As a child, I was locked in my room due to illness and fear. My late teens, and twenties was where I rebelled and fell hard on my face, homeless for months, until I found a path forward to have purpose to live.
Posted by Marty on October 3, 2019 at 6:22 pm
Thanks for the input.
It seems apparent we all feel inadequate in parts of our life
How much energy we invest depends on how much we feel life lacks missing that skill
Being humble and vulnerable has been part of my journey
Being paralyzed in ICU and rehab was extremely humbling for me
Needed help with all body functions
It taught me so much
No way to run from that embarrassment