The Need to Please: Mindfulness Skills to gain freedom from People Pleasing and Approval Seeking: Micki Fine

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“Another childhood dynamic contributes to feelings of unworthiness. As children, because our parents are bigger than we are and know more than we do, we believe that they’re all-powerful and wise. This belief is important in helping us feel safe, and because we rely on our caregivers for survival, it isn’t easily shaken. Therefore, we believe our caregivers even when they say or do things that are abusive, unloving, or unaccepting and then assume that we are innately flawed.



Then, to avoid being hurt again, we disconnect from our emotions and bodies, where we actually feel the sensations of love: warmth, expansiveness, ease, or tingling, to name a few.




This numbing becomes the norm.


In addition, because our original experience of love is receiving it from others, we believe that love originates outside of ourselves, and we look for proof of it from others (Welwood 2006).




This further disconnects us from our own nature of love.


Accordingly, we compulsively strive to earn love and are fearful of the possible consequence of not receiving it: abandonment.”

Additionally, since our caregivers’ support was essential to our very existence and the desire for unconditional love is deep, we adaptively tried to think our way into their good graces, giving rise to some of the thought patterns and emotions associated with chronic people pleasing (these thoughts and emotions are described in chapter 3). This sets us up for more pain and suffering as we try to obtain perfect love while at the same time being cut off from it.

2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Paging Mrs Zen on July 30, 2018 at 4:56 pm

    Wow.. Reading this was one of those moments were you have a massive realization. This explains a lot about me and how I function and why. Thank you! 💐

  2. After all my therapy, reading and healing codependency received little attention.

    This is the book I found to explore new ways to integrate.

    I read about loving kindness but never resonat d with me.

    Now these two issues have my attention

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