Monica’s Request about My Fear!!!!! ************ What it was Like for me at my worst? Fear that is?

My nervous system was full of cortisol, reacting to highly charged, panic and fear.  I tried to battle this fear, but it grew, until my resistance, finally collapsed.


For six months I awoke in an aroused state from a nightmare, drenched with sweat in a frightened panic.  The sun meant another long, incredibly long day of this, second to second doom and gloom scenario, worse than death.  How could that be?  I did not have a way out from this point.

I do not share this, however, my fathers brutality and constant criticism manifested itself with thinking people were staring in disapproving ways, toward me.  Somehow avoiding this criticism was saving my life.  Describing this fear with words, is impossible for me.  I shook for hours, worn out from the onslaught each day of fear, just beyond my vision.

My nervous system was so upset, that my body would dump cortisol without thought.  I had fled to my dark garage alone, even there my mind and fear followed me.

My hopes were to someday be able to function for some things without this misery.  I knew my fears were irrational, crazy and foolish, but my body obeyed that cortisol and reacted.

That was a funny time, when I did not believe my triggers but did not have the tools to heal me then.
Hope that helps.  Wow, that brings back some fun times!

15 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by monica on March 12, 2012 at 1:02 pm

    Were you this way..even before resorting to the dark garage? Sounds like it. Like it just got progressively worse. In public, you were able to hide your inner chaos right?
    When did u find out that what was going on had a name? That it just wasn’t panic or anxiety?

    Can these tools….be just as effective for people who do not have c-ptsd but have anxiety or depression?

  2. I was trying to many therapies at once, overloading with retraumatizing of my nervous system repeatedly. The other day a therapist actually read off his notes he thought I was being retraumatized, he just did not see fit to tell me at the time. I kind of sat there and wondered why he did not share that to help me?

    I tried to avoid because it was so enormous that my life was shaking and terror followed me. It seemed like something would crash through the tiles of the roof and snatch me for something worse than death.

    My fear was not physical but some mental punishment far worse than death, it was just out of sight, not well defined but it had this aura of shame that made me flee.

    . Breathing track, mindfulness and meditation connect to our emotional control center, soothes our nervous system and generally increases our self worth and diminishes the negative.

    These tools are just building blocks for a mentally healthy human being.

    If you practice the breathing track everyday, stay present, avoid negative self talk add affirmations, you will be happier, healthier and open to opportunity.

    The breathing track, mindfulness or meditation supplement anything you are doing in life from creative endeavors to peace of mind.

    Try it you’ll like it.

  3. Posted by monica on March 12, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    I remember the last therapist I went to…schema therapy it was called. I was attracted to it because it originated out of CBT. I thought this was it! I invested the time and money hoping I finally would find the help i needed. I remember a few months into it…I asked her..when was i going to start to see a change in my behavior …what i was looking for was my ability to stay in the present moment and NOT RUN AWAY…also i asked her when was i going to start to FEEL better.
    I found i was getting more angry, more sad and depressed. NOW i know why…I was retraumatizing myself each and every time I sat in her office. Wonder why…I cringed every week when the appointment time would come…i cancelled a few times due to this fear of going!

    I stopped,gave up on therapy and just felt I would always be this way! I started my own blog as a sort of self therapy..and connecting with others who also could relate.
    I did not feel better. I met the most caring and kind people but we really could not offer ourselves anything other than a kind word and a listening ear. I was still stuck.

    By the way, i decided yesterday after reading an article about having a no complaining day to try it…since it works well with the mindfulness approach.
    I felt so liberated…that today i am doing it again.
    Cant believe how much complaining I do!

  4. Schematic work is not bad but the therapist has to have the skill to integrate what was worked on.

    I ask, where is the accountability for this profession or science?

    You go to school and get your license and that’s it, your a therapist whether you can do the job or not for life?

    How about some results?

    most careers, jobs have to produce results and in a timely fashion. therapy builds in years extra without urgency in any of them.

    Why is their no concrete results, successes?

    How many therapists even heal PTSD or how many are good with complex childhood PTSD.

    I know from reading all these books that as PTSD is described in childhood it gets more and more complex.

    Monica, I will have to write this in apost I thought of this walking this morning.

    My little plan helps you and Kaity heal so quickly because it does a couple unique things.

    We use directed thought to understand fear, then explore the sensations of fear or your inner world. Then with the breathing track we head towards the so called danger.

    instead of dealing with symptoms and large therapies with many dofferennt parts, we eliminate all that and focus on being here, present.

    We prepare to stay present and examine fear using the breathing track. It is specific, concrete and no thought needed because our focus must hold up under that adrenal stress.

    It works. Trauma collapses because you will see and the body will feel it is all a bluff, no danger is there. Just the ego and the past ghosts it created.

  5. Ok complaining is close to negative self talk, I think it decides if we are a positive person or something else we do not want to be.

    hard to face us without the deception. We have a hard time evaluating us without the ego’s bias.

    I used to be like this and I think it filled the time and hole left by low self worth and fear. It just faded with my breath work.

    So, now Monica you have stopped the blog and found awareness with complaining, wow, that is so much negative halted and look at all the positives you have added.

    Shifts will happens. Please share the changes so far

  6. Posted by monica on March 12, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    Today was another good day. No complaining and I went into my trigger . I managed. I began with a good state of mind because i was in an acceptance frame of mind…that is what non complaining does…u accept. I took some deep breathes on the track…and felt relaxation. Then I got started. I stayed in the moment and worked on a small part of the trigger and it was bearable. I didnt pass out or die…infact, I did not feel threathened. Come to think of it…the thought of leaving DURING the work (my trigger) did not even enter my mind once.

  7. So this is part of a death nail, Monica, if you did not notice.

    You changed your attitude, stayed present and when the trigger appeared, you went towards it with your focus on the breathing track, without avoiding or dissociating.

    it lost some of that fear factor it possessed before. Not a thought about leaving. You have tools and met him andnthen awareness and focus.

    if you only repeated this you would heal. Now please get the tape recorder out and make two affirmations out of this courageous experience. it took me four years to find what you have done in a month.

  8. Posted by monica on March 12, 2012 at 11:25 pm

    sadly…i can’t find TAPE RECORDERS anymore…so I have no way of taping myself….
    And I am not so techno anyway.

    I could try repeating affirmations. That is strange for me…I know i will feel dorky ..but I will give it a try LOL

  9. Ok quiz. Do you have an I-phone
    Two teenage daughters


  10. So was that a planned response to not address the significance of what you did or does that scare the ego.
    I thought my claim was bold.

    I am old so maybe I need to get out more, oh well.

    Any emotion in there with thoughts and ideas like this?

  11. Posted by monica on March 13, 2012 at 12:02 am

    No iphone or ipad…want one though!

    No I just feel funny with the affirmations…but If that is part of what will heal…I will do it.

    what kind of affirmations were u suggesting?

  12. I am striving to be present in a good state of mind, without complaint everyday.

    I am striving to be able to ride the breathing track while working on small parts of the trigger, in this moment.

    I strive to recognize my triumphs, courage and passion to heal.

    I am taking positive steps and healing each day.

    Each success builds momentum towards my healing!

  13. Those are pretty good I beleive and maybe easy to say, half encouragement, challenge and positive karma.

  14. Posted by monica on March 13, 2012 at 1:19 am

    oh ya..marty i didnt respond to something you mentioned earlier about wishing you could have a place to share or teach..why dont u consider making that place on u tube?
    why not?

  15. I would like to try in person with real people, if possible. Standing in front of my iPad as a monologue is not my strong suit. Not anything to show or demonstrate, practice, questions and most questions, then apply what you learn.

    I am searching though, for a niche!!!!

    in person I can refine what I am doing even more, if that is possible. It is bare bones now, I believe.

    but good suggestion.

    I would love to do an app and am still waiting for my LED model. graphics and a demo and practice routines.

    Anyone knowledgeable?

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