My life, I have contact with evil, it robs, steal, lies, feeds its ego at all costs……..

The father of my three little Grandkids is an addict, abandoned his family without warning and has preyed on my daughter since.
He has stolen my health, my pain meds after a complete knee replacement, that is just me and what he has and is perpetrating against my daughter is the most difficult thing in my life.
To add to this dilemma, the mother of my daughter, also local, has stolen from us this week, while the one year old was screaming, sick, occupying my time.
This has happened numerous times and we have tried to limit their exposure, which becomes difficult when three little kids under six are involved.
Black and white is hard to find in a family dynamic like this.
My daughter and I are constantly letting go, coming back to now, to what is important, the kids security and safety.
I venture back and ask, why I am here, what is my purpose.
Cognitively, emotional, ethically, I can not begin to explain this.
I am here to support my daughter, my Grandkids, to try and make a space available so miracles can happen for three precious little ones.
Sometimes, I shake my head and wonder how I give and volunteer, then others rob and lie in response.
A thought that life is against me does not have much time to influence my space.
Then I focus, let go, allow my mind to empty and know these hardships make much more happy available, happy does not inhabit easy things or self absorbed things.
When we do the correct things, live and give abundantly, it does not mean the world will notice and external influences will be kinder.
I used to play that game, if I am kind, kind will happen for me.
It is just a delusion and life continues.
Our only recourse, focus, let go, be here, live, the next bend on this river of life is upon us.

4 responses to this post.

  1. This post is personal, as abstract and general as I could make the actual people.

    I guess this is me needing to write about what my experience is and to share that I am not some old man living in a pristine, unchallenged easy space.

    That is the farthest from the truth along with that it is easy and I float through this toxic waste.

    I share to let you know my practice is under a heavy load as yours, I am one of you, not knowing what is exactly the correct action to take.

    Does not matter, we all can let go, come back to now, let judgment and bias be, and breathe this moment and go forward.

    You have to learn to not give them power which I am a work in progress.

    Relatives robbing me infuriates me and I lose focus and anger visits my space.

    If I judge I am lost and dissociated, wasting life.

    Life is not easy, my happiness to know, I am not leaving, I am not yielding one damn inch to these people.

    It is like in the legends of the fall, the old sage like Indian

    “It was a good death”
    Evil does not have power over us, I will die like you, but this evil can not take away that I live as I will die, honorable, it will be a good death.

  2. Posted by jennifertemp on May 2, 2014 at 2:14 pm

    We have to practice every day – even you. Your the negative outside forces in your life are overwhelming and without your practice you would be lost. It’s good people know you struggle and that your life is not pristine.

    Thank you for sharing something so personal but that will help bond you with others going through the same thing.

    No owner’s manual for life. We have to constantly navigate daily what is thrown at us, decide what needs attention and let go of the rest. It is a challenge.

  3. Thank you for sharing, it’s indeed a difficult challenge. I do believe that it’s important to surround ourselves with people who uplift us and not bring us down. My ex boyfriend was a raging alcoholic and it affected the quality of my life, brought up imbalance. I remember, one day sitting at a local Wendy’s in NY having a burger and coffee by myself, feeling peaceful and content. (he had not been around for a couple of weeks.) At that point, I realized that my true nature was a peaceful one, one that could be content with the simple pleasures in life, and it was at that point that I knew we would separate. Nowadays, I am in a beautiful environment in Oregon with a supportive, spiritual man who treats me with respect and love. It’s the perfect foundation to heal my inner demons.

    It is my hope that your grandchildren will continue being exposed to your loving presence and mindfulness awareness.

  4. Wow see gift giver and receiver all equal, thank you for the gratitude, my spirit soars at times now.

    Where we place our attention. Realizing, awareness that an abusive relationship needs to be evacuated, is the first step to changing.

    As you know from one of my posts I have two active narcissists and addicts preying on us, I went with my kid, daughter, to her therapist.

    She tols us, which relieved my soul, these two individual and my mother and father were not capable of being a parent, a normal supportive caregiver.

    Why waste energy, oh me I hate them, anger does not start to describe my feelings.

    See, I can navigate most if life now, my desires are few, needs, just basic security, a roof over our head and food, besides that, there is only source you can get me to grasp, to have my ego grow, it is my kid and her kids.

    I desire with all my soul their happiness, there here lies my vulnerability. Mid you want to get to me, my children and grandchildren open the door to me.

    I see this is one of the few places I experience suffering. Funny how much freedom letting go of other desires has brought me and now this awareness of the difference.

    No I am not going to adjust on this one, I would give my life to protect these few. I am human and not a monk or someone trained by anyone, just me, I could be wrong but I personally have no doubt.

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