28 Nov

Pressure from others to act normal

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/engin_akyurt-3656355/

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A high overachiever would be the moniker on my gravestone.

Marty, my Ego is expected to always be strong, always overcome, always outperform, and never be discouraged or overwhelmed.

For the first time in my life, I have given up for now.

Overachieving has done nothing to heal me, so why not try something else.

My trauma constantly haunts me, thoughts proliferate with more humiliation than I can withstand.

All my tools, mindfulness skills and all the therapies have failed to lessen its intensity.

I have faced a whole abusuve childhood and improved, however public sexual humiliation is something I have no answers for.

Now, I have no way of ever trusting, ever feeling intimate, or even a desire to be in a situation where I can be betrayed ever again.

As I said before, my trauma makes it easier to be alone than ever risk a relationship, an opportunity to be betrayed. This is a fact for 50 years as I take a look back at my life.

People around me are demanding I be the old me, energetic, upbeat and very active.

I was told I need to find something I desire, a hobby to distract me.

Really!

For once in my life, I do not care, desires to do anything besides be safe and fed are gone for now.

My constant search for approval has also died, I could give a shit what others think for the first time in my life.

That is the most refreshing thing in a decade for me.

My desire to isolate has reached its apex.

My room is only place I feel safe on this planet.

I am amazed how long I have lived this way without concern or sadness.

Everything they say about needing all these relationships has never been true in my life or never been part of my life.

Am I that different than others?

I feel free to share both my triumphs and joy along with the tortuous times trauma steals life and brings worthlessness for a substitute.

Any thoughts?

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28 Nov

Ways that a Narcissistic Parent controls his or her young children

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/byrev-23277/
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From https://bandbacktogether.com/master-resource-links-2/mental-illness-resources/adult-children-of-narcissistic-parents/


“There are a few ways that a Narcissistic Parent controls his or her young children. These control mechanisms include:

1) Codependent Control: “I need you. I can’t live without you.” This prevents children of Narcissistic Parents from having any autonomy, from living their own lives.

( I had no clue how to live my childhood or life. Little kids are brainwashed by their narcissistic parent using emotional and physical torture.)

2) Guilt-Driven Control: “I’ve given my life for you. I’ve sacrificed it all.” This method of control creates a feeling of obligation in children; that they “owe” their Narcissistic Parents and must behave in a certain way to make their parents happy.

(My mother told me, every breath my father took was for me)

3) Love Withdrawal Control: “You’re worthy of my love ONLY BECAUSE you behave the way I expect you to.” So long as their children are behaving properly, a Narcissistic Parent will be loving. That love disappears the moment a child doesn’t meet expectations.

( My father threatened abandonment. I did not attach to something that threatened to leave me exposed, vulnerable)

4) Goal-Oriented Control: “We have to work together to achieve a goal.” These goals are generally the goals, dreams, and fantasies of a Narcissistic Parent. A Narcissistic Parent lives vicariously through his or her children.

(My father stole my childhood as his way of gaining status in his life, self worth at my expense.)

5) Explicit Control: “Obey me or I’ll punish you.” Children of Narcissistic Parents must do as they’re told or risk shame, guilt, anger, or even physical abuse.

( My beatings were frequent and severe, delivered coldly without concern for my wellbeing. My dad meant to hurt me and scare the shit out of me. Control would be absolute.)

6) Emotional Incest Control: “You’re my one true love, The One, the most important person to me.” An opposite-sex parent makes his or her child fulfill the unmet needs of the Narcissistic Parent.

( My mom was the enabler, her life was better when dad focused on me instead of her)
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27 Nov

This Will Change Your Mind About Psychedelic Drugs

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

https://pixabay.com/users/therapeuticshroom-16662245/

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Excerpt from https://time.com/5278036/michael-pollan-psychedelic-drugs/

“For years, the field of mental health has been largely barren of meaningful treatment advances. But now, scientists have new hope in the least likely of places: psychedelic drugs. Recent research suggests that certain psychedelic substances can help relieve anxiety, depression, PTSD, addiction and the fear surrounding a terminal diagnosis.

“The biggest misconception people have about psychedelics is that these are drugs that make you crazy,” says Michael Pollan, author of the new book How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches Us About Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression, and Transcendence. “We now have evidence that that does happen sometimes — but in many more cases, these are drugs that can make you sane.”

What do psychedelics do to the human mind?

The honest answer: nobody quite understands. We’re really just at the beginning of exploring that frontier. But psychedelics appear to diminish activity in one very important brain network called the default mode network. That network is very involved with operations having to do with our sense of self: how we integrate what’s happening to us in any given moment, with our abiding sense of who we are.

The interesting thing about psychedelics, both LSD and psilocybin — the ingredient in magic mushrooms — is that they take this network offline. When that happens, you have this sensation of ego-dissolution: that your self is evaporating or dissolving. And that seems to lead to new connections in the brain temporarily forming.

Your emotion center starts talking directly to your visual cortex, let’s say, and you see things that you’re hoping or fearing. New connections are made that could produce new insights, new perspectives, new ways of looking at the world.

Your book talks a lot about the scientific approach to psychedelics. What do scientists believe that psychedelics can offer people?

The feeling among the scientists is that these chemicals allow us to essentially reboot the brain. If the brain is stuck in these narrow grooves of thought — whether it’s an obsession or a fear or the story you tell yourself — all those deep grooves that lock us into patterns of both thought and behavior are dissolved and temporarily suspended in a way that allows us to break those patterns.

What psychedelics do you think show some therapeutic potential?

There are two drugs that show the most potential and will probably be legalized for medical use soon. One is a drug that isn’t always considered a psychedelic: MDMA, also known as Ecstasy or Molly, which has been shown to be incredibly useful in the treatment of trauma, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in soldiers or in rape victims. A study recently came out that showed great effectiveness at treating those problems. That’s very encouraging, and that may be the first of these drugs to get approved.

The second is psilocybin. It appears to be very useful in the treatment of anxiety, depression and addiction in both smoking and alcohol.”

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My two cents: Psilocybin has been legalized in Oregon. Everything I have read always said a magic pill is a fantasy, but rebooting the brain along with our practice has me interested.

26 Nov

I know a life is not supposed to be lived like this

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

Pixabay: wgbieber

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Thanksgiving has sent my mind racing, searching for explanations why others seek family get togethers.

Wellbeing (happiness) has all these great trusting relationships and deep family connections.

My life is void of that, I am connected to a daughter and three grandkids.

I feel safe loving my grandkids, they will never betray me. I do not love anything else.

That hits me as extremely sad as I write it, but it is my reality.

I am a loner who is not lonely.

Betrayal is far worse than not having any deep attachments in my life.

Criticism cuts deep into our soul, betrayal rips our hearts out.

Unless you have been severely abused as a kid, my feelings make no sense to you.

That use to bother me, now I could care less if anyone understands me.

Luckily I have shed my guilt for believing I was unworthy, or at fault for my abuse.

Adult children of narcissist are haunted, not attached in healthy relationships, then confused at feeling like an outcast.

We stick out, we see danger when others feel secure, we see betrayal where others see opportunity, we isolate out of fear while normal people attach, enjoy, even trust.

We are shocked others can trust and feel safe.

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26 Nov

Thanksgiving is a hollow event for many of us.

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

Pixabay: pixel2013

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Holidays may have the opposite impact on abused kids throughout their life.

It is difficult hearing that family means everything for us.

What about kids who were victimized by their parents?

My family disowned me because I asked for help.

They thought that I would expose the families secret, so I was excommunicated from that devout catholic family.

Funny the mafia were devout Catholics on Sunday.

What others proclaim as the most important part of their life, is the opposite for us.

Families that trust are an unknown for us.

Trust has no reference in our life.

Today we reflect on how different we are from others.

Our childhoods haunt us on Thanksgiving , Christmas and Easter.

Childhood dangers come alive in any holiday celebration like this.

Our loss of family becomes profound on holidays.

Others celebrate and we reflect on how damaged our existence has been.

We never feel Good enough in life and holidays bring that reality to us in vivid color.

We search for answers why our life has been filled with suffering, never celebrating any closeness with anyone.

Thanksgiving is a hollow event for many of us.

Thoughts?

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25 Nov

Traits of Narcissistic Parents:

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , .

Pixabay: Fanette

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From https://bandbacktogether.com/master-resource-links-2/mental-illness-resources/adult-children-of-narcissistic-parents/

Traits of Narcissistic Parents:

While these traits may not match all Narcissistic Parents, what follows are some common traits of Narcissistic Parents:

1) A Narcissistic Parent has difficulty understanding the emotions of empathy and how to create meaningful connections. As the personal needs of Narcissistic Parents dominate, these parents have little room for the needs of anyone else. It makes it almost impossible for these Narcissistic Parents to relate to the feelings and meet the physical and emotional needs of their children.

2) A Narcissistic Parent owns the successes of his or her children. In a Narcissistic Parents mind, he or she has been sacrificing everything for his or her child – the child must retaliate by performing at or above expectations. These childhood achievements are then owned by the Narcissistic Parent as their own, “he’s a great soccer player – it’s my genetics. I was always athletic, too.”

3) Narcissistic Parents must be in control. No matter what. A Narcissistic Parent controls his or her children by dictating how these children should feel, should act, and the decisions to be made. This can lead to adult children of Narcissistic Parents being unsure of what they, themselves, like and want out of life. These Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents never learn to be autonomous and make his or her own decisions.

4) Narcissistic Parents emotionally blackmail their children. A Narcissistic Parent often is indulgent, kind, and sweet if a child is behaving in the way their Narcissistic Parent wants. However, the moment a child is disobedient, a Narcissistic Parent becomes enraged and cruel. This show of “I love you, go away,” creates insecurity and dependency among children of Narcissistic Parents.

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My two cents: I can check everyone of those boxes as part of my childhood.

Funny, how books explain all my deficiencies, my lack of autonomy, the damaged self worth, inability to trust, and the need to avoid and isolate for protection.

Childhood suffering turns into adult vulnerability, we are always behind, chasing a way to be normal or at least out of the relentless pain that follows us.

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24 Nov

What abused children Become

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

Pixabay: Soledadsnp

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From Dr. Nicholas Jenner on his onlinetherapist.blog

“I am convinced that codependents come into adulthood seeking the basic connection with others that they failed to find with their parents.

In a process of compulsion repetition, they engage in relationships with people similar to their caregivers, trying to solve the original problem.

In the specific case of codependency, this means controlling the environment and the people in it to gain reassurance and emotional security, mirroring childhood.

As we know, this means sacrifice, martyrdom, victimhood and the main principles of the drama triangle, fixing, anger and self loathing.

Codependents feel they need to be in a relationship to feel secure and once they are, will do all they can to stay in it.

Our logical mind often tells us that we need to make changes in our lives.

This is often overwhelmed by the emotional part of our thinking that holds fear, shame and reminds us how difficult change might be.

This protective thinking is the main reason we become stuck when deciding what to do.

It protects us from our primary fears, not good enough, abandonment, fear of commitment, rejection.

The thinking we listen wants us to stay exactly where we are so we don’t face these fears.”

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My two cents: In early adulthood I was extremely vulnerable.

I stayed after a public betrayal by my first love, first girlfriend in college.

Staying was humiliating publicly and extremely damaging but I was paralyzed like this article says.

Sad, abused kids need to suffer more in adulthood without knowing why or how to fix it.

Oh yes. We have enormous rage and resentment for all abusers in our life.

We battle an invisible monster, a caregivers treachery, for life.

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23 Nov

Tips for navigating the mechanical side of PTSD

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.turningwithin.org/fight-or-flight

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Serious PTSD sufferers live with an elevated nervous system, some underlying agitation is always present.

For me, the fight or flight exploding was like getting shot in the solar plexus, intense, an electrifying jolt.

Those are the easy times to know the condition of our nervous system.

Bringing more awareness to my inner world, I have noticed a few things.

First, my baseline activation is higher, my nervous system has more agitation at rest than a normal person.

I have learned my nervous system, or anxiety level can be raised to an excited level without me recognizing it consciously.

When intrusive thoughts are active, then I notice my agitation consciously. I guess it needs to reach a certain intensity before I become aware of it.

Being sensitive to smaller levels of activation helps us navigate PTSD much better.

An elevated nervous system depletes our energy, wears on our emotional stability.

This is the mechanical, the physical part of PTSD that we can learn to calm.

They teach Navy Seals to handle fear (high anxiety), their fight or flight mechanism, using their breath, focusing on elongating the exhales.

Yes, slow focused breathing can dissipate adrenaline and cortisol while activating our parasympathetic nervous system, the breaks, bringing calm.

I have learned that fear, it’s physical embodiment, our adrenal stress response (fight or flight mechanism), contains no fear.

Fear is added by our thoughts. I choose to focus on the body sensations, taking my breath into the middle of the agitation or unrest.

While hiking with my chronic pain, I would summon my fight or flight mechanism to fire, then use the Adrenaline and Cortisol for my workout energy.

While handling my fight or flight mechanism everyday hiking, I became more familiar, more comfortable with that intense feeling.

The more we know about our nervous system the better.

Now I do not fear my chronic pain or my fight or flight mechanism firing.

If you weather the storm sitting quietly, motionless, focused on your breath, your confidence and power will grow.

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22 Nov

Childhood abuse, do we ever trust

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

Pixabay: Myriams-Fotos

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Awareness preempts any change in my humble opinion.

Many habits and patterns go unnoticed right below the surface of consciousness.

Recently, I realized how sensitive or paranoid my behavior has developed.

At all times, in any situation, I am aware of everything around me.

I have always been like this, always knowing where my father was, what mood, what danger existed.

It is second nature to me, my peripheral vision is excellent, I even know what is behind me.

Now I see this as a defense mechanism (PTSD symptoms), where real danger rarely exists.

My behavior has developed from a violent, abusive childhood.

My Survival mode is always activated in some form no matter where I am or what I am doing.

I am not physically afraid, in fact quite the opposite, however emotionally, imminent danger has always been close.

My complete childhood was spent more or less in survival mode.

Spotting imminent danger overwhelmed all other circuits.

Part of it is hereditary, I inherited my mothers nervous system, high strung and anxiety ridden.

When my fight or flight mechanism would fire, it was violent and intense, numbing, almost paralyzing.

Meditation has calmed my nervous system.

Unfortunately now I see my Nervous system does not fire violently, however he is on high alert constantly, spotting danger.

It has been mostly subconscious, nothing overt or any conscious effort.

All this happens automatically without thought or input.

Being able to trust is so important.

How do we trust with only betrayal in our past?

Trust is just something I know nothing about.

How do you start trusting at age 69?

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21 Nov

Childhood abuse destroys a kids ability to trust others or himself/herself

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , .

Pixabay: GregMontani

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How do you trust when one parent is your violent abuser and the other is his enabler?

Conditioned love from your caregivers, places all self-worth and value as a person, on performance (approval) for the dominant abuser. 

I was conditioned to have no intrinsic value except for the achievements my narcissistic parent picked out as valuable.

My narcissistic father demanded I would be twice as good (at baseball) as any other kid in my hometown.

At five I was informed I would be a great professional baseball player or else.

How does a little boy handle such as outrageous demand. Oh yea, I played six years for the Baltimore Orioles.

Now, is my self worth dependent on being twice as Good? 

You better damn well believe it did in that household.

Sad as a little boy, that’s exactly how my father valued me or I was beat violently and portrayed verbally as worthless.

He did not care about anything else, cold, calculated and extremely violent was his demeanor.

Now, at 69, weakened by chronic pain, spinal fusions, and complex PTSD, my abuse overwhelms me.

Once a strong advocate for fighting for every breath, now my spirit is tired of the humiliation I have endured.

My strength is gone, endurance crippled by a serious car wreck, and my chronic pain grows as I age.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I have read enough, meditated enough and healed enough to understand the mountain I faced from birth.

With ten years of intensive healing under my belt, the mountain of trauma inside my brain keeps pouring out.

My expectations: I thought all my effort would heal me.

I did not expect trauma would never stop haunting me, or would be endless until I die.

For me, life has been filled with abuse, betrayal and suffering.

I think I have fought the good fight, my reward is always more trauma to endure.

I am lost in the middle of this recent eruption of old trauma.

It feels like trauma has consumed my existence, stole my life.

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