8 Jun

Some thoughts on daily affirmations

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

Unsplash:
Kelly Sikkema

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No one affirmation fits all exists.

Taylor your affirmation with the words that connect emotionally to your core.

In this moment, right now, I accept and love all of myself, did not connect.

“In this moment, right now, I surround myself with kindness, and a content, comfortable feeling (peace of mind)”, works better for me.

Kindness means something, whereas love is abstract and subjective to me.

The content feeling is a yearning to combat the anxiety brought on by PTSD.

Feeling relaxed, and at ease in situations that produced triggers in the past, I understand completely.

Adapt an affirmation that will have an emotional connection to your inner world.

Make it positive, simple, and repetitive.

We want to inject this affirmation inside us, which means beyond thought.

In this moment, right now, I shower myself with kindness, as peace of mind surrounds and soothes my being. I accept all of me!

Record ten affirmations and play them back while driving, standing in line, walking, or before bed.

Become your kindness as often as possible during the day.
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7 Jun

Why is having peace of mind so hard for us, me?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

Unsplash: Andrea De Santis


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Having peace of mind needs a level of trust toward others and the world.

Excerpt from PsychCentral: “You may not feel as though you can trust anyone or come to expect that others will harm you.”

I never understood how certain friends always believed things would turn out alright.

Abused kids are not optimistic, we carry a sense of danger and mistrust for the world in general.

I think we need to be safe or at least feel safe to have peace of mind.

We wake up to a daunting morning, abstract fear becomes a daily companion, can we avoid the perceived danger, today?

Peace of mind was always absent, every day brought a chance of doom or gloom, or abject failure.

Life feels like a prison, trauma thoughts and emotions surround us.

As a kid, I was never a rebel, or a troublemaker, enough violence and criticism already filled my days.

Why ask for more or piss off my father, my abuser?

We become introspective and highly guarded, our being lives inside our heads.

Normal kids feel much safer, much freer, and more open.

I noticed the difference at school in their attitudes and actions.

In the midst of all this, I became an overachiever by necessity.

I thought accomplishment and success would bring me peace of mind.

Accomplishments never satisfied or healed the open wounds for long.

There was an undercurrent of striving for things that would make me whole or acceptable.

That void I tried to fill with trophies and accolades was bottomless.

I always looked to the external for approval and peace of mind.

They are not stored in those places but inside our minds and body.

What is your relationship with having peace of mind?
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5 Jun

Our Ego is like a Ventriloquist’s dummy, man made.

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , .

http://m.deveoh.com/old-ventriloquist-dummies?page=4


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That dummy can say stuff we would never think of. It’s like Marty without all my inhibitions.


The Ego is not inherently bad, he/she has no way of knowing what harms and helps us.

The Ego wants attention, power, and center stage whether that path harms or helps us.

We are the Shepard, the Ego is the sheep. We are the captain of the ship, our Ego is a mirage, window dressing, an appendage.

We are not our Ego, not even close. We are not who we perceive we are.

The Ego was created for identity, period.

We blend how we feel about ourselves, with how our first caregivers valued us, along with how others treated us into this creation we call Ego. He is called Marty in my case.

Marty allows me to get mail, have a driver’s license, be able to order things, obtain loans, run for office, etc.

Our Egos were created under duress from our abuse. Self-worth and a feeling of safety are in low supply.

So certain parts of our Ego have negative emotions and unworthy thoughts.

Part of our identities was conceived during abuse with our fight or flight mechanism firing.

During this event, our common sense and cognitive skills are offline, these implicit memories carry great emotion, fear, and anxiety.

Our Egos grew up not trusting, lacking trust and belonging became a pattern in our lives.

The Ego is only for identity,

It was never imagined as our power source.

The true self knows what is good and healthy for us, the ego has no way of knowing intrusive thoughts harm us, or he would refrain.

Look at the suffering our egos hold onto.

I work to change my ego every day.

In the meantime, I have the skill to focus and breathe, the ability to step back and see if my true self agrees with my Ego’s path.
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5 Jun

Updated: I always thought my inner child was the weakest most damaged part of me

Posted by Marty in My Favorites. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , .

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/4574037110564549/

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Childhood trauma has this extra dimension, an inner child who had to navigate abuse while the brain was not developed. We can integrate all the trauma we experienced and still our hardwiring is unchanged.

I saw my abused inner child, as vulnerable and weak, the origin of all the PTSD. My thought was it needed fixing, repaired, made over.

Shifting my focus away from trauma and triggers into functioning in this moment, has brought a massive change in how I see my inner child.

Without knowing it, in a response I wrote to the last post, my inner child became the strongest, bravest part of me.

My inner child had the fewest tools, was the most vulnerable part of my life but he survived the greatest abuse, childhood.

Instead of a meek coward, he navigated his way into adulthood with great strength. As an adult I see he survived where mature Marty would of failed.

Is this thinking outside the box or just Awareness being a reward for my inner exploration?

That inner child had strengths others did not have. He could endure intense pain and still take action.

My inner child developed incredible willpower and never gave up in the face of hardship.

What a paradigm shift from victim to my leading freedom fighter.

Now my challenge is to soothe that inner child in current situations, reparent in a way.

Again, this approach is trying to not handle my trauma, it is about functioning now, in this situation, this moment.

I have danced around the inner child numerous times and have written posts in the past, but something was different this time.

I never thought my inner child was the bravest part of my life.

My perceived weakness might be my biggest strength in reality.

How about you?

Your inner child helped you survive also.

He/She maybe your ultimate strength, not the damaged mess we perceive.

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4 Jun

How do abused kids ever trust?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , , , , .

Unsplash: Arno Senoner


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Excerpt from PsychCentral: Relationship difficulties

“You may not feel as though you can trust anyone or come to expect that others will harm you. You may also find yourself in other traumatic situations if abuse was a regular part of your past.”
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My two cents: To see this as a symptom of complex PTSD is reassuring, a little soothing, and disturbing.

Other abused kids share this inability to trust, I am not alone.

We want healthy relationships but isolate and withdraw from many situations.

It’s such a dilemma for us. At times we lose desire, a way to protect ourselves from our PTSD fears.

Hard to trust with hyper-vigilance always filling us with anxiety (cortisol and adrenaline), dissociation creating the almost real scenarios of doom, then triggers explode.

How do abused kids ever trust?

I do not know the answer.

All I can do is stay present and continue to take risks.

How deeply do you trust?

How many close friends do you trust?
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3 Jun

Updated: Symptoms of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD)

Posted by Marty in Assorted.

https://unsplash.com/@4nataliando

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Excerpt from PsychCentral

C-PTSD overlaps with PTSD, but it also has some unique symptoms, such as dissociation and negative self-image.


“Symptoms of C-PTSD often include the same types of symptoms seen with PTSD, such as:

* recurrent and intrusive thoughts or dreams

* flashbacks

* mental and physical reactions to reminders of the traumatic event

* avoidance of people, places, things, or events that remind you of the trauma

* memory loss

* negative thoughts toward yourself or the world

* self-blame

* bad moods that stick around

* detachment and disinterest

* difficulty showing positive emotion

* irritability

* recklessness

* hypervigilance, or being on “high alert

* trouble concentrating

* startling easily

* trouble sleeping

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But if you live with C-PTSD, you could have more severe you could have more severe DSO-type symptoms, like:

* a negative view of yourself

* dissociation, or disconnecting from yourself and your emotions

* emotions that feel “out of control”

* relationship difficulties

* loss of your belief system

* difficulty recognizing reality

* Negative view of yourself”

Continued in response
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2 Jun

Childhood abuse: How do we trust?

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

Unsplash: Marek Piwnicki


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When we can not trust our caregivers, the foundation for life is built on quicksand.

We learn to trust, not deep trust but a limited acceptance of a few.

I have found betrayal brings a deep hurt, it reverberates to my core.

Each betrayal makes trusting even more difficult.

All the literature tells us having a loving relationship with a mate is optimum.

I carry too much baggage, too much trauma, too much fear to make a good mate for anyone.

When all hell breaks loose, I may be suffering and unavailable at times.

At other times I will be in the thralls of a PTSD episode.

I have been in a relationship where a mate does not understand PTSD or the battle we face.

It does not end well.

The professionals say our chances of being in a healthy relationship are slim at best.

Childhood abuse lasts a lifetime.

My dad did not want me to form healthy relationships with others.

He did not want his control diluted.

Like most abused kids, I was isolated and adrift looking for safety and comfort.
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2 Jun

Updated: Desires wane as Ptsd matures

Posted by Marty in My Favorites. Tagged: , , , , , , .

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https://www.pinterest.com/pin/757871443547466965/

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Desires wane as Ptsd matures.

Avoidance is a major symptom, we avoid at different levels.

My mental ability to navigate triggers successfully, determines life.

I have carved out a space where I can handle most of my triggers. The rest I avoid like the plague.

My mind brings enough intrusive thoughts at rest.

Certain places and people are dangerous for my emotional well-being.

My mind erupts, anticipation (worry, doubt, fear) of being in danger supercharges my PTSD.

Nothing is gained when our trauma explodes like this.

There is a heavy price to be paid if I trigger some of my scariest hidden compartments.

Desire to do some things will never be the same, other things we will never risk trying again.

After a decade of healing and suffering, this is what remains.

This is a map of my PTSD inside.

It is a balancing act and mine is way out of whack.

Trusting people or even wanting to be around them has waned.

How many things you once desired have you avoided with Ptsd?

Remember, desire and happiness are not companions.

More desire only brings more desire, not satisfaction, not happiness, nothing good.

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1 Jun

Two John Wooden quotes applied to our PTSD

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

Unsplash: jesse orrico


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“Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.” John Wooden
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MY TWO CENTS: Do not let what we can not do, keep us from taking daily action.

If we do not take daily, mental and physical action, hypervigilance, depression, dissociation, and intrusive thoughts will proliferate.
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“A coach is someone who can give correction without causing resentment.” John Wooden

Another TWO CENTS:

We need to coach ourselves and give corrections without causing resentment.

How do we accomplish this?

Having PTSD complicates coaching myself.

As a coach, we need to change our mindset, seek to soothe and comfort ourselves.
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31 May

Distorted Thoughts and emotions from childhood abuse

Posted by Marty in Assorted. Tagged: , , , , , , .

Unsplash


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PTSD is like a T.V. rerun, our trauma movie of childhood collects many residuals throughout life.

Complex PTSD will always be alive, inside our body and mind, in some form until we die.

This movie is distorted, and stored while experiencing our fight or flight exploding.

Since cognition is offline, rational interpretation is impossible.

It is different for every person, the same stressor experienced by a group does not produce PTSD for everyone.

I have carried a feeling of impending doom, loss, or humiliation since my earliest memories.

Abused kids usually do not exhibit a happy-go-lucky demeanor, we are too busy spotting danger, then negotiating away or towards that danger.

For me, this process happens subconsciously. My mind is already assessing every situation before I know it.

Our trauma is stored in the same place, (the right amygdala) as our mechanism for spotting current danger.

Looking back, I never trusted or felt safe as a kid.

Some of that never goes away.

These emotions and thoughts are damaging to our mental health if we engage them for long.

Solution: Keep as present as possible during the day. Letting a mind like ours wander is a recipe for disaster.

Realize the battle is never over.

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